A few months ago I was driving to work in the normal LA traffic and it occurred to me that on this day I was having troubles changing lanes. I would find a gap, hesitate, and realize I missed my opportunity in getting over. I thought about how many moments in my life I've missed out on an opportunity, and can only regret it; never being able to go back.
I started feeling sad about where I am in life, knowing that I am at a stand-still, trapped, in a place I'm not excited about and can not give me the future I'm looking for. Too scared to move, too scared to face financial instability, and too scared of failure, what a combination not happy but too scared to do anything about it.
My boyfriend would send me job listings from time to time, and I would imagine myself putting in my resignation letter, but then reality hits, "the show only lasts three months? What am I going to do if I don't find work after that?" "No I'll just stay where I am and patiently wait for something to drop in my lap." These feelings continue, and Christmas comes along. "Yayyy, hiatus, can't wait till I get out of here," and I happily pack my bags to leave town for two weeks knowing that I don't have to see, hear, or interact with anyone from work.
I'm back now cringing at the thought of being at the same place for another year. Just last night I felt my heart racing and my arms numb from the mere notion that the weekend is over and I will be returning to work once again.
But this is a new year. I'm determined to make a difference in my life. I'm choosing to be conscientious about what I eat, I'm making an effort to keep my place tidy and presentable, and I am definitely going to leave this company this year. I need to start the next phase, I am ready to welcome my new life with open arms!
Please if you find yourself in a rut embrace it and then shed that layer of unhappiness. We will work hard together in making a life worth laughing about and enjoying.
I'm sitting here at work gazing at the people around me rushing to their desks, printers, conference rooms, etc... At what point does one start thinking that they're more important than others or that they're more important than they really are? I watch as they frantically shuffle papers, clicking they're keyboards, and specks of spit land on their telephone receiver as they are explaining their appointments, family events, or plans for the weekend to whomever is listening. I imagine a figure without a face on the other side yawning and looking at the clock as I would, or am doing so now.
Is this where I will end up ten years from now, slowly moving up the ranks of pretentiousness and dramatic performances of self importance? How do I break out?
At what point of my life am I going to ask myself, have you done something you're proud of, and being able to answer with yes I've made my life worth while?
I feel trapped in a place I don't want to be in, but if I leave, my world will collapse...or at least I won't be able to pay rent or buy food anymore. I've found that I frequently speak about the past, how fun that used to be and how great that was. Is the present so dim that the future isn't even worth fantasizing about?
I haven't written in a while, but I have been super busy in all aspects of my life. Although, I'm only going to share the fun and not boring.
I just got back from Vegas and had a blast! The three day weekend was a much needed break. I spent quality time with my mom, which was long overdue, I got to meet up with my childhood friend, who just got back from Italy, and I spent a fun-filled time with my boyfriend's family and friends! I also enjoyed a puppy extravaganza with 7 dogs running around the house at top speed. We were up till 4 am having water wars in the pool and eating really good Mexican food right before. This weekend has taken me back to times where my responsibilities were limited and I absolutely love that feeling.
I've spent so much time worrying what my next step in life is, that sometimes I overlook the having fun and acting like a kid part of it. I've tried so hard to plan every weekend with new things to do and new adventures to experience, just so I can drown out the misery of where I am career wise. But with that, I plan and re-plan, I coordinate every part of our trip or functions, etc... I make sure everyone is having fun and that I haven't forgotten anything. I seem to put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself to ensure other people's happiness. This trip to Vegas, I let it go. I just went with the moment and did what came up, and I had a wonderful time. Don't get me wrong I have a great time when ever I go out with my friends and boyfriend but this time I wasn't so stressed to have fun. I'm not sure if those two words should be in the same sentence, but so many times I feel exactly that.
Sometimes I forget to take a breath and I think it's time to do more of that...breathe.
We had a very big scare during our vacation to Big Sur. As I said in my last blog that we were celebrating Corky's 6th birthday. Towards the end of our trip Corky became very ill, he started to urinate blood. We immediately took him to a vet in Carmel for an emergency visit. Corky seemed to have developed a lot of bruising around his body and especially on his stomach. The doctor said that it was an auto-immune problem and if we lived in the area he would hospitalize him immediately; he mentioned that the condition is more severe than a bladder infection or kidney stones. He suggested we cut our vacation short and see our vet at home. We took his advice and rushed Corky back to LA and the night we arrived, he was transferred from our vet to the emergency animal hospital. That night he had his first blood transfusion. As the days pass, and countless transfers from emergency hospital to the vet and back again, Corky seemed to be getting more stable, he was sent home along with some medication. The day at home became long and excruciatingly painful as we monitored his weak, panting body. When it was time to feed him he vomited black sludge and collapsed. We rushed Corky to the hospital once again. The next week and a half Corky stayed at the hospital/vet and had 5 more blood transfusions. Everyday we went to visit, brought him his food and toys...he didn't have any strength to play, but it was nice to have something familiar to him in his cage. Another week went by and finally he was well enough to come home. Always on the edge of our seat, we watched him, followed him when ever he moved around in the house. Our young puppy seemed to know Corky was sick, the normal rambunctious, biting his big brother's ear, pup walked gingerly around Corky; making sure not to disturb his big brother. Every day Corky seems to regain a little bit more energy, his bruising has faded to an opaque pink. A couple days ago he felt strong enough to chew on his Nylabone, and this weekend he has plans to visit his friend a golden lab puppy. But as my little guy is getting better, I now am trying to recover from the flu.
I was going to blog a while back about marriage, but I wasn't sure how I wanted to approach it. I'm only going to mention it a bit in this blog, so I don't offend anybody.
I signed up on a mailing list for my 10 year high school reunion; after doing so, I was sent a link to Myspace for my class and I check out the people who also signed up for the list. I was going through some of the people I grew up with and realized, most everyone is married and has kids. I was confused, why is everyone rushing into marriage at 25 or younger? There is so much to experience in life before getting married and having to settle down. Don't get me wrong I'm not against settling down and being in a commited relationship, but I feel that 25 is too young. I may seem a bit hypocritical, because I am in a commited relationship where we experience life and adventures together, but we are not even close to being ready for marriage. It's just my opinion that 25 is too young. What do you guys think? Feel free to let me know your opinions.
Anyway, I'm going back to Big Sur for vacation from July 4th till the 8th. Hopefully I'll have more pictures to load. We're also celebrating Corky's 6th birthday.
On another note, my show got picked up for another 52 episodes. Who would've thought it?
On Saturday, I dragged my friend and boyfriend to dim sum in Monterey Park. I had been looking forward to this little outing the whole week prior...since I haven't had dim sum in a long time. We went extra early and when we sat down I tried to order everything off the menu, but thanks to my boyfriends' persuasion I settled for only half of everything on the menu...
I was so excited when each of the dishes came out. Of course I over indulged, but it completely made my day. I immediately called my mom and described every single dish to her. I know it's kind of pathetic, but I can't hide my excitement. Jah Leung is my mom's favorite, and I told her I would take her there when she comes and visits me.
This weekend I will be going back to Vegas and my mom has already planned where we'll be eating for the time I will be there. Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze in Bellagio buffet. I'm such a glutton...
Now I'm just counting the minutes, sigh.
I'm not sure if I would call it reminiscing, when the memories aren't exactly the one's I want to remember. Looking back at the life I left in Vegas and comparing it to what I have now, I realized how lucky I am to have stepped away when I did. It's just so hard to say good bye to yourself, but the hardest thing to do is admit that...I miss it. It eats me up inside that after 5 years a simple picture or a song can still get to me. I saw a flyer, my first love is doing a show in San Diego today. All the feelings come rushing back to me, as if a wave crashes over me and I'm struggling to come back up for air. On one hand, I'm so excited that he's doing well, and he's not in jail. On the other, I wish he were miserable and everything went down hill after I left. It's not just him, I miss other aspects of myself, how sexy I felt when I went out to clubs, how talented I felt when I was performing on stage, how sure I was of myself when I was in my social circle. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now, minus the career aspect of it, but the traveling, the exploring, the family, my boyfriend, no past love could compare. But I can't help being in this melancholy state.
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