I just watched the US vs Algeria match today and I'm just ecstatic.  By no means am I a crazy sports fanatic, and honestly this is the first year I paid much attention to soccer/football.  My boyfriend describes me as an exceptionally competitive person and I just delve myself into the competition of the game.  I just have to say, I have never felt the way I did when I watched Donovan make that goal.  I am a huge Peyton Manning fan and a Colts supporter, so saying that I'm not into sports is not true.  American football was always my game, but after watching a series of matches this World Cup, I can proudly say, I'm hooked.

Let me describe the newly found feelings that emerged from the depths within me.

When the clock was at 87 minutes, in my mind I thought, "It's just not going happen.  It's too late."  I grasped my blanket and pulled it over my mouth and I proceeded to breathe in and out at a slow pace, hoping that I can calm myself, and my heart.  Four minutes, an extra four minutes, were added to the clock.  My eyes gazing at the TV, blanket covering half of my face, and reaching for the hope that still dangles in front of me...Donovan comes from behind and swiftly kicks the ball into the goal.  A high pitch, wailing scream charges from my throat and the next thing I know, tears are flowing as I raise my shaking hand to my mouth and a sigh of relief embraces me.

I have screamed at the top of my lungs before, most of them planned and forced, especially when I'm at a concert; but this, I have never experienced.  An involuntary scream that rockets through my body and out to the public to hear, has never happened, including the time Colts won Super Bowl XLI.

When my boyfriend and I get back to our senses, we high-five each other like we knew all along, but our panting exposes us clearly.  Our eyes in disbelief, the sheer joy encompasses us, and we numbingly cheer on our team as they enter the Top 16.

Still shaking at this moment as I'm typing, I can tell you that I will always remember this point in my life when soccer becomes an important sport to me.

Do I have Sucker written on my forehead?  My two Pembroke Welsh Corgis seem to think so.  In our home, my boyfriend's and my life are run by two little ankle biters with cunning intellect and hypnotizing puppy dog eyes.  Yes, I admit it, I am a sucker when it comes down to my two little boys.

Every night before bed my older and bigger corgi, Corky, will sit next to my bed gazing into my eyes.  Of course, the only thing to do is pick him up and set him on my boyfriend's side of the bed, lol.  My younger and spry corgi, Brulee, just jumps into bed without an invitation.  He goes where he pleases...mainly because he's just not good at listening.  He sets himself right in between my boyfriend and I, his favorite spot, and quickly falls asleep.

Then I realize in the middle of the night that I'm shivering while hanging off the side of the bed, my covers are all under Brulee and I can't even pull them over myself.  At that point I regret letting my boys into the bed.  And by the time I'm fully awake I realize that I'm bathing in leaves and sticks...generous gifts my lovely boys leave for me in my bed.  Again the regret fills my head.  I go through sheets faster than I can wash them...but does that stop me?  No, actually it doesn't, because the routine seems to repeat itself every night.

Why is it that you can't seem to learn, you ask.  Well, I really blame those damn mesmerizing eyes, or maybe it's the satellite ears that somehow channel me through my heart, or really I'm just a SUCKER.  Just as simple as that.



My Cuties.



They love the outdoors.  This is Corky swimming in a river (Big Sur).

I'm a bit embarrassed about how inactive I really am on Alive Not Dead; hopefully I can finally find the courage to write freely on here. 

I really want to thank those of you who were concerned about my well being.  I know my past entries have just been a ray of sunshine, but I really was in a rut.  I was miserable and I felt that I was being suffocated by my work and the people that I had to work with.  I felt like I had no direction and was unhappy about where I had ended up.

I've finally decided to take a break from things and I'm in the process of trying to find myself.  I'm trying new things and just trying to enjoy myself, it's a long awaited rest.  I'm searching for the creative me and abandoning the cold paper pushing me.

In all honesty I wasn't too sure as to what to write on a blog, since I'm pretty much a socially awkward nerd...I fully admit it and embrace it.  Although, I'm still not sure what I should write, I want to earnestly show what's on my mind.  If I go into rant mode or just really don't make any sense, I apologize.  I do that sometimes.

Recently, I was reading Yahoo News and there was an article about a girl in Mississippi that wanted to take her girlfriend to prom (a school dance).  She also wanted to wear a tuxedo rather than a dress.  Her request to do so was denied and in turn the school just canceled the prom instead.  Some students of the school support her, but some don't.  I can only imagine what type of treatment she's receiving from other students and the people in the town.  Upon reading this, I was outraged that such ignorance and actions are being enforced.

But what really surprised me was the comments left on the yahoo board after the article.  I expected mostly supportive comments toward her but in actuality there were more comments condemning her.  Saying she ruined everything for other people.  I can't believe that there are still so many people out there outwardly practicing bigotry.  I'm just amazed that there is such intolerance in this society and it makes me sick.  All the best goes out to that young high school girl and hopefully things go better for her.  I would suggest getting out of Mississippi, lol.

A few months ago I was driving to work in the normal LA traffic and it occurred to me that on this day I was having troubles changing lanes.  I would find a gap, hesitate, and realize I missed my opportunity in getting over.  I thought about how many moments in my life I've missed out on an opportunity, and can only regret it; never being able to go back. 

I started feeling sad about where I am in life, knowing that I am at a stand-still, trapped, in a place I'm not excited about and can not give me the future I'm looking for.  Too scared to move, too scared to face financial instability, and too scared of failure, what a combination not happy but too scared to do anything about it.

My boyfriend would send me job listings from time to time, and I would imagine myself putting in my resignation letter, but then reality hits, "the show only lasts three months?  What am I going to do if I don't find work after that?"  "No I'll just stay where I am and patiently wait for something to drop in my lap."  These feelings continue, and Christmas comes along.  "Yayyy, hiatus, can't wait till I get out of here,"  and I happily pack my bags to leave town for two weeks knowing that I don't have to see, hear, or interact with anyone from work.

I'm back now cringing at the thought of being at the same place for another year.  Just last night I felt my heart racing and my arms numb from the mere notion that the weekend is over and I will be returning to work once again.

But this is a new year.  I'm determined to make a difference in my life.  I'm choosing to be conscientious about what I eat, I'm making an effort to keep my place tidy and presentable, and I am definitely going to leave this company this year.  I need to start the next phase, I am ready to welcome my new life with open arms!

Please if you find yourself in a rut embrace it and then shed that layer of unhappiness.  We will work hard together in making a life worth laughing about and enjoying.

I'm sitting here at work gazing at the people around me rushing to their desks, printers, conference rooms, etc...  At what point does one start thinking that they're more important than others or that they're more important than they really are?  I watch as they frantically shuffle papers, clicking they're keyboards, and specks of spit land on their telephone receiver as they are explaining their appointments, family events, or plans for the weekend to whomever is listening.  I imagine a figure without a face on the other side yawning and looking at the clock as I would, or am doing so now.

Is this where I will end up ten years from now, slowly moving up the ranks of pretentiousness and dramatic performances of self importance?  How do I break out?

At what point of my life am I going to ask myself, have you done something you're proud of, and being able to answer with yes I've made my life worth while?

I feel trapped in a place I don't want to be in, but if I leave, my world will collapse...or at least I won't be able to pay rent or buy food anymore.  I've found that I frequently speak about the past, how fun that used to be and how great that was.  Is the present so dim that the future isn't even worth fantasizing about?