While looking through old photos, I came across some baby pix and realized that.... Damn, I was cute! hahaha.... here are a couple...

Man, those were the days..... care free life... oh how I long for thee..... hehehe....  Check out more here.  I'll be back to post something of substance later on when I think of it.... see ya!!

As you can tell, my blog is starting to resemble a memorial service. I just can't help it, I have so much to say and share and it's easier to write it all down then talk about it. You guys are my little safe haven where I can tell you anything, so feel special!! j/k. Emotions are high right now and I have so much going through my mind so please excuse and incoherent-ness.

I don't have too many memories with my grandma. Like I said I lived in Toronto while she was in Calgary. For a while I thought she saw me as a second tier grandchild. Yes she was my grandma but no connection. She never saw me grow up. I never had conversations with her like my other cousins did cause I simply had nothing to say (and the whole language barrier thing).

The other night when we were all sitting around her waiting for the doctors to arrive, everyone shared stories and memories of grandma and I couldn’t help but cry silently because I didn’t have any. Now that she is gone I sit and think about her and what little memories I have with her. Some moments that stick in my head:

Her 90th birthday celebration. It was indeed the party of the century. There was nothing to good for Grandma. We booked up half a restaurant and ordered every delicacy they had. Abalone the size of my palm! Entire pieces of sharks fin in the soups! Lobster galore! Yes, it was a meal I will always remember. But the moment that sticks in  my head was not her birthday but another dinner. We went to a small sushi place near by and when dessert time came for some reason there wasn't enough ice cream to go around. Being the respectful grandchildren that we are we forfeited our rights to the ice cream and gave it to grandma.  After taking a bite she began wiping off her spoon. We were all confused. Then she pushed the bowl towards me. For some reason that moment just sticks in my head. When she gave up her ice cream, it was like a little sacrifice for me. That's what she had to deal with all her life and even when we were spoiling her she wouldn't let us.

When I got back from Asia last summer, I remember going over to visit her with all my pictures from my trip and my giant glamour shot album. Before I left on the trip she had said something along the lines of, she's glad that we will get a chance to see where we came from. It was important for her that we knew about our heritage and culture. To her, Canada had spoiled us and we had forgotten our roots. She had taken numerous trips back to the motherland with her grandchildren so they could appreciate our culture.  After the trip, I now appreciated my heritage so much more. I would have been nice to talk with her about my new found appreciation cause that would be something we both had in common. She had been to all those places I had visited and she had her own stories and memories for each place. I can just see it now, us two sitting together drinking tea and chatting with chinese music in the background, in our finest qi paos. =P Another thing I remember from that time was my glamour shot album. She looked at the pictured and just gushed about how pretty I looked, it was good for my ego. Then she came across the pictures of me wearing the qi pao in a olden day China setting (you'll see the picture in my glamour shot album). I'll never forget the smile on her face. She loved those photos. She told me they were her favourite and that I wear the qi pao very well and I was very pretty and that I was growing up. Then she just smiled and looked at me. It was like she was reminiscing about her times as a young lady, like she saw herself in me.

I think my last memory that I will always remember is when I decided to move to Calgary. All my life, I never said much to her besides, "Hi, A Po", "Jo San" and "Dou Je". I never really communicated with her because I was afraid my Chinese wasn't good enough. I'm very sensitive when it comes to speaking Chinese. I would listen and understand her words but I didn't know how to reciprocate. Because of this I always thought of myself as a second rate grandchild, I would never be her favourite, she hardly knew me and I didn't really know her either. We cared for each other but there was still distance. When I moved here, I went to visit her often and was always greeted with a smile. Then one day, she said to one of the aunts, "since she’s moved she’s become more outgoing and happy".  I will always remember those words cause when she said them it was like a validation that she did care and that she did notice me.  I mean of course she loved me and I know she cared, but this gesture was like a little moment between us.  She just smiled at me. She didn’t know it but those words truly did mean a lot to me.

Now sitting here recounting all these little moments, I realize that the grandma who I always thought was so distant, was very close to my heart after all.

Here is the official biography of my Grandmother written by a close family friend.  It's a more serious tone compared to my random babblings so I though I'd share it with you.

Tran Ai Binh was born on April 13th, 1916 in Qian Xi Chen Village, Cheng Hai City, Guangdong Province.  She was born into a wealthy and privileged family, in which her father was a successful businessman.  When she was 9 years old, Mrs. Tran attended private school and studied with many of her cousins.  At that time, girls were not allowed to continue schooling past the age of 14, so she was forced to stop attending.  In order to continue her education, Mrs. Tran began attending vocational school in the city to study arts and culture, graduating at the age of 18 in 1934.

In 1935, with the help of relatives, Mrs. Tran became acquainted with a young businessman named Si Vi Hua.  They fell in love and married soon after.  They lived happily together, until a war between China and Japan erupted in 1937.  Mrs. Tran and her husband fled to North Vietnam in the spring of 1938, and settled in the city of Hai Phong.  There they ran a grain importing and exporting business for a short time, until imperialist Japanese forces invaded and occupied North Vietnam later that year.  During the Second World War, Mrs. Tran and her husband were continually persecuted by the Japanese military police, with her husband being imprisoned on three separate occasions from 1939 to 1945.  As a result of the turmoil and persecution during those years, the couple was forced to discontinue their family business entirely.

In 1954, the occupying Japanese military was defeated, and the overall environment in North Vietnam was improving.  Mrs. Tran and her husband once again attempted to start the family importing and exporting business in 1956.  Sadly, Mrs. Tran’s husband fell critically ill shortly after, and passed away in the summer of 1957 at the age of 45.

Mrs. Tran was left with nothing financially, and was left to bear the responsibility of raising their 10 children ranging from ages 1 to 16 years old.  Her husband’s death was a truly devastating loss, and for many years Mrs. Tran and her children struggled to survive.  However, it was during these tough times that Mrs. Tran did not give up hope, and demonstrated her will and resourcefulness.  She organized a group of women to set up a club, in which she applied and taught her skills in sewing, embroidery and knitting.  These were the same skills that she had learned while attending vocational school during her youth.  The club became successful as a result of Mrs. Tran’s perseverance and hard work, and she was able to support her large young family by selling her beautiful creations.  Her children were all able to go to school, and each did very well as a result of her encouragements.  Her children would all eventually graduate one by one.  As her children grew older, each helping the family with their own unique abilities, Mrs. Tran’s heart filled with joy.

From 1960 to 1979, war would revisit North Vietnam and enter Mrs. Tran’s life again and again.  From the Vietnam War in the 1960’s, to the Sino-Vietnamese war in the 1970’s, life was filled with many struggles, hardships and persecution.  As Chinese-Vietnamese relations soured in 1979, Mrs. Tran and her children were forced to leave North Vietnam and find refuge in various places in China.  They were divided into six groups, and were separated in the confusion and chaos.  By now, Mrs. Tran, her children, and her children’s families totaled 21 people.

From 1979 to 1986, Mrs. Tran and her family would find refuge in Canada.  They would reunite over a number of years, after numerous setbacks and having to overcome many difficulties.  It is in Canada that Mrs. Tran and family have found peace, contentment, opportunity and success.  Without Mrs. Tran’s strength, guidance, and love, her family would not have the wonderful life of prosperity that they enjoy today.

There is a deep sorrow in my heart tonight.

At about 3:45 this afternoon, my grandmother, surrounded by 3 generations, took her last breathe.  There were teary eyes but we all knew she lived a long wonderful life and she went peacefully, she was 92. 

Living in Toronto all my life I never had the same "grandma experience" as my cousins living in Calgary.  I only saw her 2 weeks out of the year while my cousins were able to see her  on a daily basis.  I would hear stories about my Grandma passed on from my cousins but never first hand.  She was a very courageous woman, taking on a load 10 times anyone could handle.  Our family history is like one of those epic movies that you would see in the theatres, full of excitement, indescribable bravery, nail biting drama, heart break and happy endings.  We have always wanted to document these stories so that they would not be lost and so that generations after us would know about our history.  We've always said this but never actually done it.  So I've decided as a little truibute to my grams, I would share some stories about her, even if only for the few readers out there who happen to stumble upon my page.

From what I've been told, she had 14 children. Only 10 survived. 18 months after the birth of the youngest daughter her husband passed away and she was left to raise10 children all alone in Vietnam.  Being Chinese living in Vietnam (here's where the confusion of our heritage arises) she was forced to learn Vietnamese for the survival of her family, she no longer had her husband who did speak Vietnamese.  Unable to carry the load of 10 children she had to give up a daughter and never got the chance to see her again. Through the years she has lost other children and now there are 7 left.

She was a very strong woman, having to live through all types of obstacles.  Being a girl growing up in the early 1900s her education was restrictive and she ended up getting an education elsewhere, learning practical skills in art and culture. When circumstances brought her down she made her own way.  She has lived through numerous wars, where I am told her husband was captured by the Japanese army on numerous occasions.  During the Sino-Vietnamese war, the family was seperated and she did not know if she would see them again.  She had to deal with the death of her two youngest sons and while everyone brokedown in tears, Grandma stayed strong and never let anyone see her cry.

After her husband died, she was left with nothing and made a living making the fancy buttons that you see on cheongsams while her children learnt to take care of each other.  My oldest aunt took on the motherly role and helped to care for her siblings.  I've always heard stories about my grandma's bravery.  Like how one time, in the middle of a war when bombs were being dropped, she went to find her son at a hospital (might have been a school, refugee camp, I forget.) and while everyone was running for their lives in a panic.  Not my grandma, she was cool, calm and collected, with only the goal of finding her son in mind, and she did.  Another story would be when one of my aunts was fatally ill with a fever.  Not knowing if her child would live to the next day, she wrapped her baby up in blankets and put two pots of hot water around the baby and just just let fate take it's course.

I guess the number one story that we all owe our existence to is the one about how we made it here to Canada. I'm a bit fuzzy with the details as it was way before my time but I believe it went like this. During the Vietnam war, my family was forced into a refugee camp.  At this time, all her children were grown and had children of their own. Now with 10 children the family had grown pretty large at this point.  We did not all come together at the same time, we got seperated by circumstance.  My uncle arranged a boat that would take my family away from the war torn Vietnam to China where they would then flee to Canada.  My grandmother with only the clothes on her back took her two eldest grandchildren and ran, not knowing if she would see her family again.  Would they all make it out of the refugee camp? Would they all make it to Canada? Would they be reuited?? It took a couple years but we were all finally reunited.  This was a fresh start for her family.  Her job was done, she no longer had to worry about putting food on the table. Her children were grown with their own families. She could finally be at ease.  Her children would take care of her now.  And that we did!

My grandmother knew how to live. She was a regular at all the dim sum places. She knew all the best places to eat in Chinatown and she knew her way around Calgary.  She would take the bus on her own and venture out in the city to the point were she could memorize all the bus routes and hand to lead us places.  Even back in Vietnam/China (here's where I get confused) I'm told that she would go to the theatre everyday, no matter what movie was playing, she just went to enjoy herself.  Dressed in her best clothes and always perfectly coiffed.

Not only was my grandmother a headstrong matriarchy, she was also a lady.  She always made sure she looked her best in her cheongsams which she still wore on special occasions even till the present days.  She made sure her make up was perfection and not a hair was out of place.  Up until last year she went to the beauty salon every couple months to keep up her beautifully coiffed hair.  Her number one beauty secret: all you need is a tube of lipstick! You put some on your lips, then some in the palm of your hands, rub em together and then rub it on your cheeks and ta-da, instant glow!

She was a world traveller.  I can't even begin to count the number of places she has been, and well into her 70s might I add.  She had a tradition.  Whenever her grandchildren graduated from highschool she would take them back to the motherland where they could learn about where they came from.  She provided us with experiences that would never have known if it were not for her influence. She never let us forget our heritage and would tell us these stories so that we would stay humble and be greatful for the things we had.

She was not an old fashion grandma. She knew that the times were changing and she kept up best she could.  Her fashion sense was impecable, she knew how to coordinate and would blast her own daughters for wearing "old lady" clothes.  She understood that her grandchildren were living in a different world and encouraged them to be who they wanted but still remember their roots and where they came from.  She was the cool grandma whom you could bring your boyfriend/girlfriend home to and would not freak out.  I remember on my cousin's 18th birthday, after a small family dinner he went out to party with his friends while the parents were concerned of the newly found legalness bestowed on my cousin, my grandma told him to "fan hoi sum deet", essentially, party hard!!  We weren't angels, and she knew it.  It's a part of growing up.  She did not approve of people coming home pissed drunk but she knew what young kids were up to.  On my cousin's wedding my grandma gave some wise advice to him.  "When it's time for toasting, fill a bottle of XO with tea, so you won't get drunk!"  Even when she was weakened she could still give us wise sage advice.

A year ago, August 11, 2007, my otherwise vibriant grandmother had a stroke and has been fighting an upward battle ever since. We were told she would only have a month to live but she held on for a whole year!  Her body deteriorating but her mind staying sharp as ever.  She held on for as long as she could.  She was surrrounded by love everyday, with the laughter of her great grandchildren always in the background.  It was painful to see her in this state, not being able to live life to the fullest cause that is what she did best.  It is now better that she has passed, because a restricted life is not what she would have wanted.

She was the foundation of our family.  She lived through the hardest of times and was able to give her family the life they deserved. From her strength, we, her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, now have the strength of ten armies, able to withstand anything.  We started from humble beginnings and are now power forces in our own right.

We owe you all our strength and courage and thank you for all you have done for us.  You are a true inspiration to anyone that has heard your stories and those who have been lucky enough to know you will take your memories with them.  You will live on through your memories and we will continue to live by the lessons you taught us.  You gave us a chance, now it up to us to make something of it. 

Thank you for all you've done. You will be missed dearly...

R.I.P Tran, Ai Binh (1916-2008)

When she was about 20 years old.

With Her Children

At her 90th Birthday, celebration with a feast fit for a queen!

Grandsons

Grandaughters

Grandchildren

The whole family last summer

LOVE YOU!!!!