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  Monday, Aug 10, 2009 1:52AM / Standard Entry / Members only
  

  yeap baby, its time to hang around here aimlessly again bloggie heheh~
  
  first of all, i'm outta job (due to end of contract la!! xD) and nowadays my money is flowing out, no longer in. plus the fact that i *have* the time to spend, money does seem to flow out faster. *damn*. i really need to stop spending so much.
  
  second of all, i'm one week away from a three-month relationship.. of course i'd hope it'll be longer but due to many many foreseen circumstances, chances are thin~ but anyway, he's really a nice but blur guy so sometimes he makes me feel smitten, but at other times, he's a total nuisance.
  
  then, there's my beautiful dearie back from faraway land~ hopefully she stays for my bday =( *considering her saying she decided to go back earlier again(?)*
  
  decisions decisions. life is all about making one, many, all of them! and its domino effect, what one decides will change not only his/her life forever, but others too. this year is definitely a turning-point year for most people that i know. why 2009 seem to be such an unlucky year? we are suddenly being put to our worst outcome, and if one doesnt use their brain, they fail. i've taken my one-year break, its time to continue this endless journey. to be honest, i'm scared. and no one is there to share my fear because everyone's fear is different. will i be able to cope with new subject, new future, new life, new friends? or will i be the same, or even worse? will i succeed, or fail as usual? to think back, i feel that i experienced too much failure that i now forget the taste of victory. what its like to get an A? to be the top in class? am i up for it? am i the average shadow? it takes much more bravery to start a journey than to finish it. i really want to stop thinking or worrying and live through life just like that.
  
  there was this time, when in that whole week itself, i didnt manage to finish even a day without tears. i had my first and so far the worst emotional breakdown in life (and its not due to pms!). i find it amusing that i'm somewhat different in demanding attention. i need more attention when i'm in bad mood (sorry baby!!) and i hate, hate to be left alone when i breakdown. most ppl would like/be best (to) be left alone during those times but i just dislike moments of loneliness. sad sad~ i was consumed by angst unknowingly for that time and i consulted my sis on it. we both somehow shared emotions like twins =S but difference is, i tried really hard to control my emotions after realising what devil has consumed me. reason being, i dreaded the possibility that i'd end up like her. i didnt, and still dont want to lose a loving person due to my failure in controlling my emotions. but how hard it was during that week. i was already on verge on ditching him because his near-non-existence during my breakdown annoyed me. i despise ppl who are close to me but dare not be by my side when i'm in trouble. then spontaneously before we depart for home, i told him everything. from all the teary nights to how i dislike him being away when i really needed someone to be around. i was terrified of how i could act that time, and so i cried out of fear every night. out of fear, fear for myself. split personality? i sure hope its temporary. but i'm all good now, at least so far so good =\
  
  to be honest, whatever there is to do with finance suffocates me. in fact, i find myself needing (but not using, yet) inhaler more and more each day. i have no idea why, and though i actually do, i hate the fact that i'm considered penniless and hence being stressed. so now there's another reason why youngsters would choose to work instead of furthering their studies: parents pressure.
  
  before ending this long useless post, i really think i need stay away from the world for awhile. most of the ppl around me proved nuisance.
  
  i've decided to just go penang sometime in sept regardless of being alone or not.
  
  
  Music: Caught in the Moment