Hope you enjoy this

 

SYMPTOM	FAULT	ACTION
Feet cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.	Improper bladder control.	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.	Glass empty.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.	You have fallen forward.	See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.	Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving.	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.	Bar has closed.	Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.	Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.	You are dancing on the table.	Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear.	It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.	Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.	You have been in a fight.	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.	You've wandered into the wrong party.	See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.	The beer is too weak.	Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.	Beer is just right.	Play air guitar.

 

 

Well It's a sorry state of affiars for me here at new year.

My son has disappeared off on his world travels (currently in HK) just leaving a trail of e-mails behind him, and of course a disaster of a bedroom.

My brother and his family are off to France for New year,

Even my Mother (who is 87) is off with her friends to spend a riotous New Year at a hotel on the coast, she has a better social life than me

So here I will be billy no mates, home alone !!!!

But look on the bright side I can stoke up the central heating, get the beers in the fridge and spend the whole day and evening all by myself (oh the peace) and have a Jet fest,

Non stop Jet  dvd's all day long all to myself  

That is unless the real thing wants to stop by !!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Sorry for the delay but here is the next installment

The day after we went to see the orangutans we had decided to spend a day by the pool, but God had other ideas and decided to let the heavens pour the moment we had got settled on a sun lounger and all oiled up
 


We quickly ran under an umbrella to shelter and started talking to the other group hiding under there as well, they had just arrived, we were talking about a trip we had booked to go snorkeling the next day, we later found out that they spoke to the staff at the hotel and booked on the same trip as us 

After 10 mins it was clear that the rain had set in for the day so we raced up to our room quickly changed and then ran to catch the bus into Georgetown, the capital.



Georgetown

The people we had been talking to, who I have to say were a lot younger than us were amazed as they only just managed to catch the bus before it left and was sure we would have missed it, but there we were sat there on the bus already.

As we were going into the town my friend decided she was going to need more cash so took her bankcard to get money out of the “hole in the wall” (atm)

We went to the shopping centre first and if she wanted to buy anything she was borrowing cash off me until we got to the bank, so when I had run out of cash we made our way to find the bank

After the first attempt to get cash the machine said she had put the incorrect pin number in, after shouting at the machine, telling it that it was stupid she had entered the correct number, she entered it again, by this time I was nearly wetting myself laughing at her shouting at the atm.  It then again came back wrong pin number, I managed to stop her trying again telling her she would lose her card if she did, so she then decided to find a person to shout at.

As she was waving the card in the air I glanced at it and, HORROR, I realised it was MY CARD……. She then tried to crawl out of the bank as everyone was looking at her

The one thing my friend wanted to do in Georgetown was go to this posh hotel that served high tea, cucumber sandwiches the lot It is called the Eastern Oriental hotel I think, so we decided to get there in style by going on one of the many rickshaw type taxis, but the bike was at the back and you sit at the front looking at the view.





This would have been very nice but I think our driver had a death wish…. We were going along quite nicely until there was a queue of traffic in front of us going our way, so, he pulled over to the other side of the road !!! There we were sat on the front of this thing with traffic hurtling towards us and we are on the wrong side of the road.

Luckily this traffic swerved and missed us I say luckily as the driver of our contraption had no intention of veering from his course, we spent the rest of the journey with our hands covering our eyes, deep in prayer, thinking WE ARE GOING TO DIE…..

We finally got to the hotel and leapt out of the seats in record time, we later found out that these people do not need to get licenses or pass any tests to drive these on the roads. 

So we arrived at the Hotel and made our way to the tearoom to have high tea. It was really nice, I felt like I was a lady of the old British Empire



Then we came to pay, bearing in mind my cash had all gone and we had no money from the bank, my friend had said she had her credit card so would pay for the tea. She gave them the card and they came back saying they could not accept it. She started saying “but I have plenty of credit on it”, once bitten twice shy I checked her card she had produced and this was her debit card to get cash from the bank….

It was a good job I had my credit card on me to pay or we would be still there now washing up trying to pay off the debt.

 

When we came out the weather was much brighter so we decided to walk back to the hotel we needed to get to for our bus back. I have quite a good sense of direction so using that we wound our way through the streets to get back. It was nice because we were out of the main touristy part and it was very pleasant.

At one point a man came running out of a shop yelling and shouting obviously unhappy about something and took his shoes off and hurled them down the street, with people having to duck out of the way to avoid them, I think he was drunk… but as he seemed to pose no threat to us we just watched what he would do next, but he just wandered off still shouting.

All the way back through the streets those bike/taxi things kept stopping and asking us if we wanted a ride, we politely declined the offer. We then finally got some money out of my friends account and came back on the bus.

After the day we had. we decided to treat ourselves to a seafood meal that night, in a nice restaurant we had seen. WELL we sat down to order the food and I happened to mention money to my friend and she went pale… she had taken the cash out of the bank and put it in the hotel safe so yet again she had no money on her.

I said that in that case we should go to the hawker market as I did not have enough cash on me to pay for both and they did not take credit cards.

At this point the waiter, who also seemed to be part owner .saw us getting up and came over, we told him we would be back the next day. He then said we could order what we wanted and pay what we could and come back the next night and pay.

We couldn’t do this so we finally agreed that we said how much we had got and they would give us food and drink to this value. What we had came well over the value we paid, so we said we would come back in 2 days to have lobster from them, and they were going to order it in specially.

more later

I have to do a lot of traveling in my job and have just been away for three days, In this time I have found some insights in to how driving works works.

When is a bus lane not a bus lane? When it is in London, I think I was the only car not in the bus lane while trying to find my way around London

When are you allowed to travel in the fast lane of the motorway doing only 50mph?, When you are a white van driver traveling on the M25 around London, this pillock held all the traffic up at 6pm last night, when I was trying to get home.

Why does the Sat Navs always send me to the street behind where I need to be, twice in the last 2 days it has done this to me, but then I cannot find the way to get where I need to be because there is no way through and I am on a one way system.... At one point I could see the hotel I wanted but could not find the entrance, so I ended up going twice through the Dartford Tunnel at 5pm, not a pleasant experience......

My sat nav tried to send me down a closed road with no diversions shown, and as I was trying to find a way around it kept sending me back to the closed road 

Also my sat nav loves having a joke with me, and when I switch it on it tells me what time I will arrive at my destination.........In my dreams.... I am not a slow driver but the traffic here in the UK can be terrible, for example last night I got into my car at Dartford in Kent 160 miles from home... my sat nav said it would take m,e 2hrs 40 mins, I thought then "you're having a laugh" but it eventually took me 5 hrs to get home.

Good job I have good music in my car

 

There was one thing I forgot to mention about my trip to Jackies office, when I was coming out, the sliding electric gate was being opened for me to go out.

Just as the gate slid open there was a coach full of tourists stopped on the road outside, I'm sure as they saw the gates open they thought they would see someone famous come out.

Their cameras were clicking away 20 to the dozen as I walked out, I felt so silly, I bet they were thinking "Who the hell is that?", I skulked out of the gate and up the road as quick as I could.

Where was I? yes we had arrived at the hotel in Penang late in the evening we dropped off our bags and went over the road to a Hawker market to eat.

If you have not been to a Hawker market to eat it is quite an experience you sit on tables placed in the centre of a large square, all around the sides are stalls selling all types of food.



The idea is that you go and order the food from tha stalls that you want, it is nice that you can order a mixture of dishes, Indian, Chinese, Italian etc all for the same meal, you pay for the food when it arrived. The food was delicious.

We spent 2 days just lounging by the pool to recharge the batteries and on the evenings we went out for the lovely food.

On Wednesday we took a trip to see Orangutans we went over the Penang bridge, the second longest in Asia.



The orangutans were on an island, firstly we saw the older ones then the 3yr olds. There was some children in our group and they couldn't stop laughing as the one orangutan had a pee over the head of another :lol:







Later we went to see the babies in the nursery




Much later we went back to see the 3yr olds and were allowed to meet them.







No comments please about which one is the monkey

Later we went to the ECO Park, you could buy bags of food on the way in and feed the animals on the way around, the moment we stepped in there little monkeys jumped all over us after the food.

Here is a picture of a Bear Cat, I've never heard of them before



The park also had a lovely waterpark but it was not part of the tour, if we ever go again I will hire a car and spend the day there.



More later