Happy New Years from everyone at alivenotdead.com!

Happy Birthday To Me..
Happy Birthday To Me..
Happy Birthday..
Happy Birthday..
Happy Birthday..
To..
Me..
sudah lewat.. aku tidak punya lawan bicara disini..[I've no friend to talk here..]
aku terus berbicara layaknya orang gila..[I always talk like Crazy people..]
Sendiri.. Kesepian.. Hanya ditemani cahaya..[alone.. lonely.. Just friend with light..]
Sedih.. Ditinggal pergi sang kekasih.. [sad.. Leave with darling..]
I'm not a good girl for U.. man..
I'm not nice, not beautiful, not high, I'm not perfect for U.. man..
U're a lucky man.. U're a handsome man.. N U're a perfect human..
But I'm not a lucky girl.. I can't find U in my life..
God create me only to life N worship to God..
I try to learn everything that ever happen to me..
I learn to be a good child N human..
I want run away from this earth..
I say Thanks To God and Everyone who has be the best everything in my life N got me N have see me to be my friend or my enemy or other..
And Thanks to All human in this world.. because have help me to lost my lonely..
Good Bye.. I will go N lost from this earth..

Tomorrow my age is 19 years old.. I hope my life better than before and do new life.. But I feel less.. I got an accident 5 days ago.. My right hand got spilt of frying oil.. I can't use it well.. So pity..

Tomorrow my age is 19 years old.. I hope my life better than before and do new life.. But I feel less.. I got an accident 5 days ago.. My right hand got spilt of frying oil.. I can't use it well.. So pity..

and, please delete your comment to me in victor's blog. thank u

sorry, I just saw all your comment in my blog and victor's comment to me. I know you may suprise to see victor comment to his fans, it's not the first time,he talk on my guestbook before few times, you can check.

Amy?? I hope you will open my blog and comment my say on your blog.. I think I've do mistake there.. and what Victor mean? he said "well said. impressed by your observation", I don't know this word to whom?for who? I'm scare.. I'm affraid.. I hope nobody angry to me cause my talk here.. Do you angry to me? why don't you answer all my question on your blog? do you hate me or I've disturb you?.. I try to find brother or sister in everywhere I can..

Amy? just answer on my blog yea? I hope we still can become friend?

I see.. thank to remember me.. I hope I can meet you someday in everywhere you live.. It's my self photo.. when I without glasses N without jilbab.. I never see you.. May I look yourself photo? Do you know how say "brother" in Dutch language? What mean of "voila" N "lol"? Amy? how old are you? If you eldest than me.. May I call you sister? But if you can become my sister I will happy to hear it.. It's Up To You??? I'm the first child in my family.. I want got much sister in everywhere I can.. although just called...

Ttd; 4:50_ Thursday, 13/05/2010

{ during writing this.. my me continue to emit a stream of without desisting... endless regret }

I feel my life have [there] no expectation again.. I hopelessly with my life.. forgive I God is because is not grateful to the enjoying life which You give and enjoy love him which you make me feel it before my death arrive... I always pray to be immediately my death.. I never again pray to ask longevityly.. because I hope quickly go from this world.. so that I [shall] no longger need to face various misery and temptation, anything and love.. I have never feel happy as intact as during my life.. continuous problem coming [at] me start from learning.. non I [do] not ready to face it.. but I too tired facing it.. I wish to run from problem of which I face [in] this world.. I fear cannot justify life which I experience during world.. I also fear myself longer become protester, defector of religion, and others... I think with death of me only require to justify life which have my pass of without adding sin.. and protected from existing problem [is] world.. if problem of exist in eternity nature and of barzah/ natural [of] that grave will not possible can avoid.. (are) all the same to die quickly or not.. because remain to have to face [all] death angel.. I fear if too old live [in] my moment world doze with earthly life [of] me forget will the who is my The infinite.. I fear nothing that guide me to recognize my The infinite return fully.. I [do] not know again have to tell what.. but I [do] not ready to if continuing to be forced [by] continue my studies.. I tired to learn... but responsive nothing that me.. if only since early there is no need to me to continue my studies might not will become like this... but there will be heavy risk [is] I which must accept in consequence.. surely him I will not be permitted again remain with my parent..
[Is] added again with my love story which always fail.. during the time is I loving people.. I always love one who don’t love me.. so despise my moment me expect one who is [there] no feeling / [soul/ heart] to me.. only 1 times I have an affair with one who love me as heartfelt as its [soul/ heart] but I don’t love him as heartfelt as heart also is.. it’s my fault have discharged him but that's destiny even there [is] his.. in the reality my parent disagree with him.. but I have promised will not have an affair again / betraying my love again.. but what I earn.. I decide my boyfriend just for returning [at] my lover which first, hoping - hope to worry.. fear if he return.. if he know I have an affair again I fear if he do not want to again become my lover like first again.. most matter [is] I frighten finally happened also.. moment I again expect my lover return.. he really return but [do] not such as those which I expect even have 2 year lose without news.. my heart pain and injure moment he tell he is only assuming me [sister/ brother].. and I only have time to contact him during 3 day.. last [is] he even also return [do] not contact me to this moment.. I [do] not understand.. why myself too stupid love which [do] not as proper as loved and run from one who have heartfelt love myself...
God.. permit I quickly face You..
I regret first have asked you animate me.. I regret [do] not ready to accept Your order.. and regret cannot execute as intact as Your command...
Rabbi.. I feel inappropriate [to] become Your slave.. I inappropriate [to] get easiness of You.. but You don't assume me as Your slave.. I don’t expect world easiness and or eternity because me feel not yet properly getting it.. but don't also You eliminate Your love and blessing from me.. don't also You hold off me of You.. don't also You overcome me get syafa'at of You.. don't also You forget me.. Even I wish quickly die non meaning I is not grateful [at] You.. but I impatient to so wish immediately come in contact with You..

Ttd; 12:05_ Friday, 21 May 2010

In the reality without require to await through years.. last 2 day [of] success me find the name of genuiness of bikshu barrel exist in indosiar. In the reality I prefer to form its body [of] moment he/she play film [in] that Pilgrimage west the to, its body more containing compared to its photo before him.. moment I see its status which still single, I are unconvinced really.. I become madness hence.. I (it) is true [do] not wish too high hope.. but I remain to expect my self.. and me do not can avoid my feeling which too high hoping to [him].. I interest to maintain my love to its[his].. But there [is] 1 matter which I disappoint also that moment.. I opened about wa kwong.. in the reality have is bigamous [of] its name [of] mother kitman and have 2 child, daughter and boy, I keep its data [is] I hope that will become memory for me.. K'Chen.. I so love you... let today my me emit a stream of / my tear dropp because you... I don't know it’s happy or is sorrowful..
I (it) is true hope Friday day which is the full (of) this benediction.. you chosen to desist to to become artist [in] your state permanently.. and you accept islam and enter islam as your life choice [of] your life age forever.. then you remain to [in] your life age indonesia forever become citizen of indonesia.. last look for me to do me marry.. with your self which have believed in islam even still muallaf but you have decision of [soul/ heart] to remain to to behave firmness believe in islam and you have many knowledge concerning islam and have studying it many.. I hope both my parent accept you as my husband..
But there [is] which I feel concerned about.. will you it to my, will you accept me as heartfelt as [soul/ heart], loving me as heartfelt as your life age heart, accepting my situation and my insuffiency which not yet too can cook and clean clothes with cleanness, will for want of my that will not become your reason for the me of me / polygamous [of] me/ selingkuh of me, will you are devoted [at] your life age me for selingkuh / polygamous/ me me / combine good me [of] me give clan you or not, will you [shall] no longger make a move religion even have owned child or don’t have, will you [is] me me will never be religious which you embrace, will your you, your family, your receptive [sister/ brother] or sisters [is] my attendance with my insuffiency above, will he accept us we [is] differ religion with them, will you secede from liquor, forbidden drug and cigarette if you have drinked it/ consuming of it, will you volunteer for a lifetime desist to become artist and launch out newly more lawful...
I really love you and hope you enter islam and altogether it to my and become citizen of indonesia your life age then do me marry.. but I not will have married you if me know you cannot discharge your life which first, including becoming artist, believe in apart from religion which me embrace, smoke / drink hard beverage / forbidden drug, more than anything else [do] not accept my insuffiency heartily.. comment because I cannot cook / cleaning to continue to be informed against my me / you continue making [him/ it] of[is reason of to apart from me / move religion.. hitting, instruction, cuffing blow, harsh, dirty talking, oath, penyambatan/ like word- gnome, is, criminal avaricious, stingy, lowly, calculation, ugly and others.. I [do] not wish that thing happened... I (it) is true first have made character for the candidate of my husband but after I thinks [there] no perfect human being become I don’t wish again give difficult characteristic..

Even my human being insting surely will refuse out of hand because I have succeeded to get K'Chen such as those which will.. That cannot avoid / to be denied..
But for the shake of getting calmer and better life.. I volunteer my soul [is] taken..
Because if I dead, I will never again experience of love and sorrow which so hurt..
I will not again think of love and or world.. existing only justifying my life during world life..
I get out of world.. [shall] no longger add other mistake or sin.. which might not will I ready to account after..
Tonight my heart so miris / lugubrious/ injure/ sorrowfully.. I need place which can make calm my heart and mind..
Where I can spill all which hidden my heart/ my subconsiousness..........................
Rabb... where I have to confront, if non [at] You..
where I have to tread on, if non [at] You..
where I have to indulge, if non [at] You..
where I have to lay open all this, if non [at] You..
I wish my normal life again...
I wish entire/all my memory about my life which I experience during the time lose and clean without secondhand of my brain, my liver, my heart...
I wish new babyish again born, what not yet owned memory about any because just borne.. Even I given [by] opportunity for second life [of] its times;rill / reincarnation.. I surely will refuse out of handly...
I not understanding.. why myself first just will be borne to this world...
I ought to like that babes.. delivering birth in a state of is inanimate / dying in baby age..
What a happy is/are they.. needn't experience life which so weight... I are catty in them..
I regret have asked to be animated first my soul moment still not yet been blown to this body.. Because have come too far unintentionally have life.. so I ask to immediately [is] again fetched so I don’t too old wait..
Even I very is expecting [of] death.. but..
I also grateful, because have time to be permitted to feel bitter beloved of life.. Grateful beautifully as sorrowful as love which I feel..
I given [by] grateful [of] affection and love..
I given [by] grateful [of] intact and complete family..
I grateful have been given [by] opportunity give and propagate my love love [at] darling people who and I love..
I grateful have been introduced [at] God creating me and give life me..
I grateful because my life will not go along way..
I grateful is not old again I [is] fetched by my lover which more endless than existing [is] this transient world..
I will be more be grateful if me [is] immediately brought into contact with my The infinite............
Love just getting grief and forever [is] grief.. love will not be happy if insincerefrom heart... I ready to converse but don’t ready to practice it..
Let my heart sink with my death.. let my feeling follow to be buried with in I bury me..
Let only just God which know how my feeling in this time jumbling like hodgepodge..

Ouch.. I tired once weep continuously thinking of him.. I... depress because continuously deal with its name of love... I nor wish like this.. I don’t understand why I as this... In fact.. there is most matter I regret my life age.. There is something that I have to avoid.. and I don’t wish that thing is also happened in my childrens and grandchildrens.. But I will never lay open it.. Let that thing hidden in my heart and I will bring with me in my bury.. I try to bury that words in innermost me subconsiousness where there will be no body even also able to express it.. What a stupid is/are I [is] my moment remembered that thing.. I feel inappropriate [to] again live in this world.. I so blush at myself alone, more than anything else at others.. I really don’t want again live in this world.. Will my moment die to wait.. I will forgive [by] because my sin during the time...
Rabbi, I conscious what a far it my self of You during the time..
Will You accept my attendance return beside You???
Will I [is] accepted beside You???
Death is my desire in this time.. I promise if I can have K'Chen [ if he enter my religion / embracing my religion] my life age.. I will never again wish suicide..
What [of] your intention at the opposite of all this???
Mean what implicit and letter of postponement of my expectation and prayer of K'Chen?? Inform [at] me as respects to that...
Do K'Chen measure up to, habit, and him something else to bring me to kemudharatan / badness???
Or he will never be receptive my attendance [of] its in his life?
Or he will never enter islam?
Or he will never recognize me?
Or he is disagree with my expectation even we can coalesce and with?
Or what?? I tired continue to guess..
Though I so loving him..
More than anything else after I see its status which [is] single of his link..
I feel there will be opportunity for me to be more close to him.. Shall I downright at myself alone that me too hoping more to him???

Allah.. this ill [soul/ heart] so sorrowful and.... In mind my.. I [is] life fatigue.................................................
Too much duty I which must do..
Too much demand addressed [at] me..
I don’t ready to live again in this world....
I hate to learn..
I hate school..
I also hate continue my studies..
Rabbi.. immediately abstract my heart..
I very long to wish immediately come in contact with You..
Why You don’t long me?? Is You don’t be darling again [at] me??
I tired wait You to immediately to fetch me..
Is my waiting useless?? Even there [is] feeling fear which strong so if me alone in land;ground which [is] broadness only my body size measure se.. But I sure... even I fear.. I surely will feel it if/when have arrived a period of/to him
I always feel alone..
I [is] thank is not darling as intact as..
I don’t get it fully...
don't know since when I become to feel far from my parent..
There [is] which I cannot remember and I explain to regarding this matter..
Remember I have never happy with my life..
First.. time old ones once.. I really is requiring [of] affection..
But.. what they pass to me.. is not affection which I expect..
There [is] missing from that moment me.. Non accomplishment to the all which I wish..
In fact I enough like because all which I wish [is] always given, but non that affection which I require..
Nothing that understand my intention.. only my Rabb that understand affection that I require... To this moment I never again expect that affection from both my parent..
I continue to try to look for one who will hear my complain..
I continue to look for one who will give more affection me which I have never get during the time.. But I still not getting this world him..
If I have hopelessly and tired because this seeking.. Hence I will immediately return to dearer [of] me..
I will ask [at] Him to immediately to fetch me because only Him which [is] its affection will be everlasting forever for me
Downright.. I com under pressure with my life..
I feel myself progressively day progressively madness...............................
That Zuana have been long enough died..
Kiky also have been long enough died...
Which [is] this life [of] whom???
I not remember the who is me in fact.........
I lose my spirit..........
I don’t ready to if having to too old live....
If given choice among/between death or love..
I are is more opting [of] death..
Even K'chen that I expect readymade [of] my property or not..
Even that K'chen have entered islam..
Even he will do marry me..
Even he have ready to consorted my life..
Even I have strained after getting him..
If me given [by] that choice and have my time..
I volunteer discharging him for the shake of my death..

we talk here,dont talk in victor's blog.

Ttd; 7:58, Friday, 2 juni 2010
K’chen is Chen Jiang Liu who has born and live in this world.. I inspiration it from Miraculous Monkey story. This man or character which I create in my mind’s eye/ my day-dream.. in my fantasy country.. namely Forbidden Life.. Here is not only K’chen, there’s named K’chang, K’wong, K’shou san, Abang zhang, n K’xuanzhang.. they all my lovely heart..]
Though my love [at] k'chen have started to decrease but because I still not yet can discharge him, so that I still not yet can forget my love to him. . I have conscious that expecting death is bad..
Alhamdulillah because You have awaked me of my fault and my stupidity..
Alhamdulillah because You awake me what a important is/are my life..
Alhamdulillah because You have given better life me of more suffering others of me.. Alhamdulillah because You have reminded me of highness, Your strength and power.. Alhamdulillah because You have taught me of [is] way of complimenting [at] You and matters which I don’t understand..
Alhamdulillah because You have awakened and rouse me return from fallen down / failure.. Alhamdulillah because You have animated me of my death and make healthy me..]
Rabbi.. I surender my self [at] You to the all I which have do during my life, from my slip and sin..
Allahumma shalli ‘ala sayyidina wa habibina wamaulana muhammadin nabiyyil ummi nurussama’ watiwal qamar.. Here my me exist in masyriq and [in] maghrib.. Here my best couple according to you, according to me and both my parent, according to entire/all my family for me.. To passing my climb semester 5 with value above 3,.. [so that/ to be] answering the demand [of] standard of sks and can take all eye of my continue studies [in] this semester 5.. Permit to water down slave business in all matter.. Permit my value altogether there [is] in report paper assess so slave is not busy search for lecturer to manage that thing.. Permit me quickly pass to make and proffering of proposal, presenting proposal, ppl / kkl, pkl, make skripsi, test of skripsi, pass S1.. Immediately do marry with my couple and get clan.. Give me first child / men eldest child and [both/ second] child / last / youngest [of] woman. Enough just 2 is. Make child them which [is] and shaleh of shalehah don’t like me.. Amien.. 1000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.00x.
If may be downright I still expect and love K'Chen.. but I don’t know with You have determine to me.. This lugbrious heart and continue to weep because love which I feel in this time.. Allah..
I love you.. in - at my heart.. though that no one people even also knowing it... I love you as heartfelt as my heart.. one just [hour/clock].. I have loved you... in my heart.. but for me.. forget you need my time [of] my life age....

Is you I conscious love..
Is you I conscious cry for you..
I really love you..
how I lay open all my feeling to you..
K’chen.. [ this man which I create in my mind eye’s or my day dream.. in my fantasy country.. namely Forbidden Life ]
I will consort yourself..
I will love your insuffiency..
I who have never forgotten you.. Will continue and always love you..
Rabbi.. why You let I continuously bitter feeling [of] him love???
Why You let I feel it???
Why You don’t prevent me to continue to love???
Why???
Do according to this temptation You surely I ready to face, I pass by, I overcome, I experience and I account?
But why love temptation which I have to feel?? To be added again grief live in my family which I experience.. Why I have to love one who don’t I ought to love???
Why You let I love them which non my couple???
What should I do???
Who is who which ready to heal me of craziness of love which I experience of???
What intention and hikmah which consist in in all occurence of love which always I experience of??
My love always crack side hand.. I always love one who don’t love me, I have to how God???
If only love distress which I experience of [is] love to you.. even I suffer will not become problem for me..
But this non temptation love for You.. but for Your creature which named [by] human being.. my oposite gender..
Journey of my love [is] I hope [do] not happened [at] my childrens and grandchildrens.. I don’t wish they feel grief of love which I have experience of..
Pain.. not easy to if have broken heart.. all nothing;there is no likely..
Even eat, [there] no likely.. I cannot lay open how likely broken heart which I have experience of.. Anything become chaffy for me.. live even also I don’t willing to again..
its thanks [of] me still awaked that suicide will not finish problem.. but I will remain lay open it compared to fulfilling my heart..
Even I to this moment still expect death.. even I fear death.. but I remain to wish it..
I almost hopelessly and surender every times;rill love that fail.. just but always me re-confronted with new love.. and happened again despise that.. continue repeatedly..
If I tell about love which I experience of it will be no ending..
but I will remain lay open it compared to fulfilling my heart..

I (it) is true first have made character for the candidate of my husband but after I think - think [there] no perfect human being become I do not want to again give difficult characteristic.. for me enough by accepting my situation and my insuffiency which not yet too can cook and clean clothes with cleanness and also can give child [him/it] or [do] not, [do] not hitting, instruction, cuffing blow, harsh, dirty talking, oath, penyambatan, is, criminal avaricious, stingy, calculation, lowly, and other - ugly other, nonsmoker / drunkard / unemployment / consuming forbidden drug, is not mad sex & homo ( I [do] not wish my husband like to relate to besides myself, because me fear if he [do/conduct] [him/it] [at] its own child), surely it[him] [is] same akidah se with me is - [is] same [of] islam, understanding religion, can study better & correctness, knowing law / prohibition order / demand & its obligation as a father / husband and a moslem [ even muallaf [do] not the problem of, coming [from] which (it) is true embrace Islam before recognizing me and because its own awareness / hidayah of my God], non extreme understanding because I [do] not wish too bridled in religion business but remain to [do] not impinge religion order and or leaving [him/ it], close-mouthed but nor is demure [ non kept quiet - to be kept quiet in the reality many word - hearting word / touching [is] secretory the than is oral [of] him] / have a loose tongue/ [do] not contact, cheap smile, benefactor [do] not meanie / is / criminal avaricious, silent remember Allah / always berdzikir, cannot & have never fulminated, its soft talking always but non womanly which [is] klemak-klemek [ flabby] / coherent but [do] not too coherent nor kill with kindness child, without ordered direct listen carefully, malleable always listen go word - wife word, is not extravagant, its soft liver to be well its people liver cannot blame people promiscuously, there's only some its insuffiency.. extravagant in ill part but [do] not meanie, too [is] same malleable wife, first its it[him] people of cina but now [do] not know deh.. I do not want to too hoping again like first, I nor take as problem tribe.. so long as he/she will remain with my birth place town me, developing ourselves house here [ my birth town], and also enough fulfill all condition above...

*(it) is true***** there [is] man like that this world? just Even so maybe non your couple or [do] not fully as according to existing criterion.. because perfect there is no human being.. become don't too hoping too high.. fear moment him disagree with which [is] wanted can make you suffered [ born mind]

Khalqiah, I'm not so sure whether you will see my message, but gal, I might be a couple of years your elder and you might find my words reasonable...:

I've read all the messages you left at Victor's blog, I belieive he does come and read every message we leave. Everybody here loves him, and he sure knows that. Victor sure appreciates the love, care and support from us, but besides these, there probably is one more thing that we should give him, which is "respect".

Everybody has something that he would prefer to keep to himself. Victor is a celebrity and he is a common human being as well, just like everyone of us. Therefore, shouldn't we let him live his life the way he likes? Shouldn't we keep a respectful distance and just give him best wishes and say our silent prayers? This, in my opinion, should be the way we love him.

Victor belongs to all his audience and fans, and no one should ever think of anything else...and we all should know better not to say anything inappropriate and disturbing here at his blog. Hope you can understand that too much probing into other people's private life is unsuitable ...

Jacky Chang has been my favorite singer for years and I do admire the honest way he announced his marriage in the first place. Some other super stars chose to hide their marrital status and that I don't think highly of. I don't see any necessity for the celebrities to conceal their "good news"; on the contrary, I think they should joyfully share it with fans...

Well, if we say we love Victor, we should be happy if he has found his true love and just wish him happy everyday, don't you think so?

So Khalqiah, calm down...Hope you would take my advice. We can make here a place where everybody feels relaxed, rather than pressured and interfered, can't we?

I hope i can find my love..

i love barongsai and arsitecture of china