i feel kind of down right now. i found out last night that a pretty good friend from high school, melody, is back in town today saying goodbye to her house. my mom told me, after she'd talked to this girl's dad, and said that she'd be hanging out with other girls we hung out with in high school: the likes of nalani, larissa, and serena. i swore to myself i'd never talk to, let alone hang out with, these girls again after graduation. but i feel bad because i sort of want to talk to melody. mel and i got along pretty well for most of high school, and had similar outlooks on life. we both felt like outcasts; she, because she's adopted from korea and isn't extremely interested in petty things like accessories or fashion, and i, because i felt no one understood me. typical high school stuff, i know, but we bonded over it, over the stupidity of our friends, over the shit they pulled. and then we graduated and never spoke again. i feel bad about that, and i also feel a little intimidated because melody seems to have done so much with her life since we graduated. she went to korea and lived there for a year or something, learned the language, met her real family. and now she's at USC, studying, i think, international relations or something along those lines. yes, i've done good things with my life: i'm moving out to an apartment i rented on my own, across town, finally; i've got a great gpa at college, pretty good relationships with important professors, written very strong papers for difficult classes; i've made a name for myself with my saxophone in the tri-county area and at my university. i have good relationships with my parents and sister, i have a wonderful boyfriend and a best friend for the first time in my life. i've been to more airports/cities than i can count, been to kentucky, churchill downs, the biggest cave system in america, chicago. i've missed a flight home and gotten through it without spending money. i've had sex and good sex and bad sex, been on birth control, made decisions about my body on my own. i've bought a vibrator.but in comparison to what i imagine her life to have been like over the last three years, my life seems pretty shabby and dull. not that it is. i like my life, i like where i'm headed, i like what i have put in store for myself, what foundations i've created, what relationships i've started. but it's not glamourous or exotic, at least not in ways that i can explain to someone i haven't seen in three years: i haven't learned another language; i haven't traveled outside the country; i haven't changed schools or moved away from colorado, even for a short time. i don't know. i'm a homebody, comfortable, but inert.i wanted to call her and tell her about my life and have her be impressed but not hear about hers. i guess that's what it comes down to, and that makes me feel bad. hypocritical and insecure. so whatever, i'm whining about that, and i miss geoff. i've been sort of avoiding the whole thing lately. i said i missed him before, but i was in denial. now i mean it. i miss him. i miss him with my whole fucking being. it doesn't feel right, moving without him. my bed doesn't feel right, my mind doesn't feel right, my showers don't feel right, driving with my hand alone on the gear shift doesn't feel right, my clothes don't fit right, lingerie looks inconsequential and pointless and shapeless. no matter how much money i spend to make this apartment look good and whole and proper, something is still missing. i'm not whole. i'm dwelling. i'm sorry.those of you with significant others within a drive's reach: go be with them now. go appreciate that. don't fight or expect petty things or argue about tv shows. just be. i wish i could have that right now, any of it, even the arguing. i moved a few more boxes of stuff to my apartment. no more books in my room, no more framed pictures, no more hangy things from the ceiling. my desk is empty of files and markers and notebooks; only the things i use everyday are left on top. it feels a little desolate. i need to find someone to help me move my couch and chairs and bed so i can feel at home somewhere.sorry for such a depressing entry. it's raining outside, and though i enjoy the temperature change and the feeling of rain on my skin, the color of the sky brings me down.

well, today could have been better.i just found out that the girl who was begging to live with me, since late june, even though she knew i had plans to live with geoff, is thinking of backing out, two days before i sign the lease. she apparently thinks it's "too noisy". i offered her the other room of the apartment, the one without the washer, dryer and water heater in a small closet inside, and the one with less light and further away from the small intersection outside, and she said that she had to "process it all". i fucking sign the lease on friday. she was BEGGING! what the fuck does she expect? she's a spoiled little rich girl who gets everything she wants, and she's not willing to bend her little pride to live in an apartment with some fucking noise.honestly, who doesn't live with noise? everyone turns on the radio or the tv when they get home, who fucking cares about a few cars driving by during the half-hour "rush hour" in this dinky fucking town? she's probably not even going to be home during that time anyway. i'm very pissed. this is like a gut-punch. i was relatively ok with geoff not moving because i thought i could count on this girl to want to move in and pay half the rent. now not only do i not get geoff, but i may not have a roommate, leaving a $600 rent payment every month, or alternatively, a roommate whom i do not know or trust, or alternatively, leaving my deposit where it is and living at home, a junior in college, living at home. i feel like puking, all over the place.i hate everything. fuck fuck fuck. and not only that, but my grandpa is depressed about my grandma. i don't like this, anything, right now. goddamn everything.EDIT: ok, still goddamn everything, but the deal's off with this girl. i don't need her. i can afford that apartment on my own for a little while, and i really need to get out, regardless of whether i have a roommate right now. i'm going to have a few words with her when/if she calls me back tomorrow. she needs to know that she can't get what she wants by being a retarded, stuck-up little bitch about life. she should be embarrassed by her wishy-washy, rich-girl behavior. if i were to give in to this girl's demands now, where they're not appropriate, she would be walking all over me in no time. i don't need that, because i have my own life to live and cherish. no college student can expect perfection, and she was completely stupid to be so picky about her space--this apartment, no kidding, is one of the best deals she'll ever find in this town. bah. she's out. i will rent that apartment on my own, and i will call the people i know from school and work to see if they or anyone they know are looking for a place to stay. an ad in the paper about it will be the last resort when i can't afford it anymore. i want someone i know, or partially know, and can trust not to steal my stuff but to pay the rent on time. i'm not looking for a best friend here. i'm looking for a contractual roommate with whom i can be on good terms. i'm not looking to play head games or maintain other people or deal with drama. i just want to go to school and be myself in my own place. that's all.i'm tired. i'm going to bed.

if i could, i would get this entire poem tattooed on my lower back. i would get it inked in violet, in small, narrow, victorian cursive. it's long, and many parts, but it's the most beautiful piece of writing i have encountered in my short literary life. i want to become this poem.

"Her name sprang to my lips at moment in strange prayers and praises which I myself did not understand. My eyes were often full of tears (I could not tell why) and at times a flood from my heart seemd to pour itself out into my bosom. I thought little of the future. I did not know whether I would speak to her or not or, if I spoke to her, how I could tell her of my confused adoration. But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires."

-a couch. we need a nice fluffy couch with a sleeper in it so if someone spends the night, they don't have to sleep on the floor. -a tv or two. entertainment purposes, you know. all the videos i own. a dvd player, possibly.-a queen-size bed. i don't know how much mattresses cost, or how much frames cost, but as far as i care, we can just put the mattress on the floor. saves cleaning. i'm going to look into the pricing of this. -a microwave. a refrigerator. a dishwasher, perhaps. an oven, possibly a toaster. knives, silverware, glasses, mugs, plates, bowls, mixing bowls, a small electric mixer, casserole dishes, pans, pots, mixing spoons, measuring cups, dishtowels, dishwashing soap, rubber gloves, hot pads, cutting boards, a garbage disposal, trash cans, cleaning supplies, paper towels, food.-a la-z-boy.-an answering machine. or answering service. a phone, maybe two, preferably cordless.-lights. plants. a fish.-comforters, blankets, sheets. pillows, extra for those who stay over. -a coffee table, a bedside table.-a dresser. a full-length mirror.-a desk. a computer.-bookshelves. and all my books.-pictures on the walls. posters, hangings, leftovers from childhood. -a newspaper subscription.-a welcome mat, a rug or two, more if hardwood floors.-a stereo.-alcohol of our own.-a desk chair. a bean bag for the floor.money. we need money, gift certificates to linens-n-things, secondhand things. yeah, that'd be helpful. i'm a little nervous. what am forgetting?10:12 update-vacuum, broom, bathroom cleaning solutions.-shower curtain, toothbrush holder, shower head?, towels, lots of towels, bathrobes.-hangers.-printer for computer, paper.-pencils and pens and highlighters, notepads, sticky pads.-first aid kit.-mace?-tv stand-crates/boxes for storage-xmas tree, smallermore?