When You're Gone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAWbDVhD8A4

I don't regret having to leave or shut some people out of my life; those I left in the past should remain in the past.

But this one I truly fear: A passing of a love one.

I don't have anyone who's too dear to me that passed away, well there's my grandfather who passed away last 2006 & there's a friend of mine who died of leukemia 10 years ago, she was 16.

Her passing was the first time I felt how hard it is to lose someone.

During junior high in '98, my friend was diagnosed with leukemia & had to stop going to school. None of us knew that she was sick until a few months later. We weren't very close, we only knew each other through common friends, but we got to hang out during summer class in '98, she was actually nice.

I remember going back to school during sophomore in '97, I got sick & was absent for a couple of weeks. Everyone was greeting me, welcoming me back & saying their well wishes. She & I were on different class sections. As I was walking to my next class, I saw her coming up to me, thought she would just say "welcome back", but I received a very sincere hug from her.

During a visit at a hospital we accidentally bumped into each other, she was there for her chemotherapy, that's when we start to become good friends. Although, we don't see each other due that she's living in another city for her chemo, she would sometimes call & would update me about her condition.

She recovered in 1999, we even had a celebration with old friends; she went back to school at the city were she currently residing that time, I too transfer to another city. From then on, I only talked to her on the phone twice. First, when we were discussing about her plans on going back to school & my transferring to another city, & second was when she told me she's confined at the hospital but assured me she was already okay.

A few months later, a certain acquaintance told me that she passed away, I didn't believe him. Yet, together with my cousin, sis, & I, we asked our folks to drive us to their home. There was a white flag at their house, we thought that probably another relative died. So there was her Mom. We asked her where she was, she couldn't answer at first, then she said "She finally went home..", I knew what she meant, but I was hoping that it meant differently. She said that it's been 2 weeks since she  passed away. That came a shock to me & I was filled with guilt. Why didn't I tried to reach out to her, why did I keep postponing my plans to visit her?

She was buried at the back of their house, but I didn't go to bid farewell; I just wanted to leave.

It was our first time to meet her Mom, she said to us while trying to hold back her tears, "She returned to school already, but she suddenly had a relapsed. So, you are the friends that she keeps telling me about, she would often talk about you guys." I too was holding back my tears.

I'm a cold, introvert little person & don't want to show my emotions. I didn't talk about her death to anyone, didn't receive a hug, or heard any words of comfort.

We told her Mom we'll come back, but up to this day, I still haven't stepped back at their home.

Death is inevitable. I know there's no one on earth is prepared to lose someone they care about.

Yet I see so many people who have move on with their lives after losing a dear one. My closest cousin's mom died of cancer. During the 2nd day of her mom's wake she was okay & finally joking around. I know she was hurting inside, but if I were her, I'll probably lock myself up in my room, & will try to avoid talking to anyone.

There are others whom I think can accept death willingly because of their strong faith & positive outlook in life.

I admire these people, because I know to myself that although I may be a loner, realizing a love one's mortality is something I can not handle..

Although I agree that moving on doesn't mean you have forgotten that person. As what they say - the pain never goes away, you only got used to it.

Have a peaceful All Soul's Day. Let's remember our dearly departed & pray they'll have a better journey in the after life.