http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAWbDVhD8A4

I don't regret having to leave or shut some people out of my life; those I left in the past should remain in the past.

But this one I truly fear: A passing of a love one.

I don't have anyone who's too dear to me that passed away, well there's my grandfather who passed away last 2006 & there's a friend of mine who died of leukemia 10 years ago, she was 16.

Her passing was the first time I felt how hard it is to lose someone.

During junior high in '98, my friend was diagnosed with leukemia & had to stop going to school. None of us knew that she was sick until a few months later. We weren't very close, we only knew each other through common friends, but we got to hang out during summer class in '98, she was actually nice.

I remember going back to school during sophomore in '97, I got sick & was absent for a couple of weeks. Everyone was greeting me, welcoming me back & saying their well wishes. She & I were on different class sections. As I was walking to my next class, I saw her coming up to me, thought she would just say "welcome back", but I received a very sincere hug from her.

During a visit at a hospital we accidentally bumped into each other, she was there for her chemotherapy, that's when we start to become good friends. Although, we don't see each other due that she's living in another city for her chemo, she would sometimes call & would update me about her condition.

She recovered in 1999, we even had a celebration with old friends; she went back to school at the city were she currently residing that time, I too transfer to another city. From then on, I only talked to her on the phone twice. First, when we were discussing about her plans on going back to school & my transferring to another city, & second was when she told me she's confined at the hospital but assured me she was already okay.

A few months later, a certain acquaintance told me that she passed away, I didn't believe him. Yet, together with my cousin, sis, & I, we asked our folks to drive us to their home. There was a white flag at their house, we thought that probably another relative died. So there was her Mom. We asked her where she was, she couldn't answer at first, then she said "She finally went home..", I knew what she meant, but I was hoping that it meant differently. She said that it's been 2 weeks since she  passed away. That came a shock to me & I was filled with guilt. Why didn't I tried to reach out to her, why did I keep postponing my plans to visit her?

She was buried at the back of their house, but I didn't go to bid farewell; I just wanted to leave.

It was our first time to meet her Mom, she said to us while trying to hold back her tears, "She returned to school already, but she suddenly had a relapsed. So, you are the friends that she keeps telling me about, she would often talk about you guys." I too was holding back my tears.

I'm a cold, introvert little person & don't want to show my emotions. I didn't talk about her death to anyone, didn't receive a hug, or heard any words of comfort.

We told her Mom we'll come back, but up to this day, I still haven't stepped back at their home.

Death is inevitable. I know there's no one on earth is prepared to lose someone they care about.

Yet I see so many people who have move on with their lives after losing a dear one. My closest cousin's mom died of cancer. During the 2nd day of her mom's wake she was okay & finally joking around. I know she was hurting inside, but if I were her, I'll probably lock myself up in my room, & will try to avoid talking to anyone.

There are others whom I think can accept death willingly because of their strong faith & positive outlook in life.

I admire these people, because I know to myself that although I may be a loner, realizing a love one's mortality is something I can not handle..

Although I agree that moving on doesn't mean you have forgotten that person. As what they say - the pain never goes away, you only got used to it.

Have a peaceful All Soul's Day. Let's remember our dearly departed & pray they'll have a better journey in the after life.

It's been 2months since I was gone!

Few of you were aware that I went to Saudi Arabia more than a month ago. I was quite hesitant of going because I'm just too lazy to travel!

And as we don't know what's going to happen whether you'll have a safe flight or not, I threw a couple of old letters that I have & the others, instead of throwing it, I deliberately erased some names that were mentioned on those letters, on which I did the same with some journals that were required for us to write way back highschool. I do this sometimes even if I'm going out of town, but this time, I went all the way to our other house just to get my things there. Not that there's something to hide, but you don't know what goes on other people's minds.What if I haven't return & someone might go over my stuff? They might conclude a different & exaggerating story.

I did read that Jackie O. did the same during her final days, but in her case, she probably has something to hide.

Before leaving, I came upon these books at a local bookstore. I wanted to get the one with Gustave Dore's illustrations, yet when I got back home I bought the one with Harry Clarke's.

I already have a book of Edgar Allan Poe's poems & tales, thought it would be a waste if I bought the other book just for Dore's illustrations on The Raven. Luckily the other book has Edgar Allan Poe's works that are not included at my other book.

Anyway, its been almost 2weeks since I return home, & I don't know anymore what it is that I should blog about regarding my recent trip to K.S.A. But here's a few though:

Sadly, we didn't go to Riyadh, thus, I didn't walk down memory lane, just as some of my friends & relatives expected.

When I returned home, there were so many people waiting at the house. Just so you know, our way of greeting, saying congratulations, hellos & goodbyes or even I'm sorry is.. BESO (Kiss)!So expect lots of beso here & there.

They bought tons of food & cakes!! I feel like I live in a cake house. For two weeks I get to eat different types of cakes!

Oh, heard the news that Michael Jackson has finally laid to his final resting place, Patrick Swayze passed away & so did Boyzone's Stephen Gately!  I can't say if I'm a fan of boyzone, but I do love Ronan Keating & did like some of their songs.

I love Boyzone's version of "Baby Can I Hold You". R.I.P Stephen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyuVjaQodnY

These aren't new set of bittersweet songs; just have to post this playlist again, because my 'Melancolia' blog is already on the second page.

“Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away...

Despair will attack you again and again.

In the same manner hope will return to you.

Again and again...”

“I started crying..

It was the first time in my life that I felt forgiven.

Like I was saved.

Like the frozen snow that's melted by spring,

the tears wouldn't stop.”

3)     Can (slowly) read & write Arabic, but I don't how to spell or speak the language. 

4)     John Donne is one of my top favorite poets.. To those who doesn't read members' about section, I don't own the quote that reads below my headshot. I just copied that from one of his Holy Sonnets.

HOLY SONNET V

I am a little world made cunningly

Of elements, and an angelic sprite ;

But black sin hath betray'd to endless night

My world's both parts, and, O, both parts must die.

You which beyond that heaven which was most high

Have found new spheres, and of new land can write,

Pour new seas in mine eyes, that so I might

Drown my world with my weeping earnestly,

Or wash it if it must be drown'd no more.

But O, it must be burnt ; alas ! the fire

Of lust and envy burnt it heretofore,

And made it fouler ; let their flames retire,

And burn me, O Lord, with a fiery zeal

Of Thee and Thy house, which doth in eating heal.

5)       I can't imagine myself living a  long life.

6)      Easily forgets a person's face & name.

7)    The sky is always the last thing I would see before going to sleep.

8)      I find Androgynous men sexy!

9)       I always develop a crush on Keanu Reeves whenever I see this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH_AJ4rDdEY

10)   I used to be a bookworm, but now, I have so many unread books left in my room.

11)   I have a scar near my left eyebrow; Had it when my younger bro threw a porcelain doll at me when I was 7.

12)   Have 9 piercings.

13)   I fell down the stairs when I was 8. I used to wonder what goes on in the mind of those who falls down a stairs or a building;  so my thoughts while rolling down the stairs was, "so this is how it is".

14)   I'm very perceptive. I can easily tell when a person is lying to me.

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16)   Back in 2nd grade while playing 'tag' with friends at our school's waiting room, this boy suddenly interrupted us to ask for my name & when I asked him why, he suddenly kneeled down & sang this line:

17) When my friend tried to make peace with me about a small misunderstanding we had, I didn't want to go easy on him, so I drove his car & pretended I was gonna crash it. His then-GF was in the car with me, panicking & screaming, but I stepped on the brake just in time. And when I got out of the car, there he was cheering for me. 

        I only learned a few basic in driving & never properly practiced driving, so anyone who wishes to go for a drive with me, just let me know.

18) I've always wanted to be a nun.

19) I'm fascinated with the old eras - the architecture, lifestyle, arts & literature. I sometimes wish I was born in  the 18th or 19th century.

20) I'm very moody & sometimes have a bad temper, I can control it though, but there will be times that I get so fed up, I go ballistic ala-Christian Bale (no, mine only last a minute or two).

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24)  I'm not fluent with any of the three languages I speak.

25)  I fell asleep listening to The Hollies before.