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Melancolía 2 

(I don't own this video, but I can't resist not to post it here; It's so beautifully done.)

“Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away...

Despair will attack you again and again.

In the same manner hope will return to you.

Again and again...”


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3rD year on AnD & Other Stuff

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When You're Gone

While listening to this song The Cranberries 'When You're Gone', this thought came floating in my mind: how unbearable it would be to lose someone so dear to you.

I don't regret having to leave or shut some people out of my life; those I left in the past should remain in the past.

But this one I truly fear: A passing of a love one.

10 years ago, a friend of mine died of leukemia, she was 16.

Her passing was the first time I felt how hard it is to lose someone.

During junior high in '98, my friend was diagnosed with leukemia & had to stop going to school. None of us knew that she was sick until a few months later. We weren't very close, we only knew each other through common friends,but we got to hang out during summer class in '98, she was actually nice.

I remember going back to school during sophomore in '97, I got sick & was absent for a couple of weeks. Everyone was welcoming me back & saying their well wishes. She & I were on different class sections. As I was walking to my next class, I saw her coming up to me, thought she would just say "welcome back", but I received a very sincere hug from her.

During a visit at a hospital in '98, we accidentally bumped into each other, she was there for her chemotherapy, that's when we start to become good friends. Although, we don't see each other due that she's living in another city for her chemo, she would sometimes call & would update me about her condition.

She recovered in 1999, we even had a celebration with old friends; she went back to school at the city were she currently residing that time, I too transfer to another city. From then on, I only talked to her on the phone twice. First, when we were discussing about her plans on going back to school & my transferring to another city, & second was when she told me she's confined at the hospital but assured me she was already okay.

A few months later, a certain acquaintance told me that she passed away, I didn't believe him. Yet, together with my cousin, sis, & I, we asked our folks to drive us to their home. There was a white flag at their house, we thought that probably another relative died. So there was her Mom. We asked her where she was, she couldn't answer at first, then she said "She finally went home..", I knew what she meant, but I was hoping that it meant differently. She said that it's been 2 weeks since she  passed away. That came a shock to me & I was filled with guilt. Why didn't I tried to reach out to her, why did I keep postponing my plans to visit her?

It was our first time to meet her Mom, she said to us while trying to hold back her tears, "She returned to school already, but she suddenly had a relapsed. So, you are the friends that she keeps telling me about, she would often talk about you guys." and she gave us a weak, sad smile.

I'm a cold, introvert little person & don't want to show my emotions. I didn't talk about her death to anyone, didn't receive a hug, or heard any words of comfort.Prior to her death, I was rather depressed regarding certain issues, her death made it even moredifficult.She was buried at the back of their house, but I didn't go to bid farewell; I just wanted to leave.

We told her Mom we'll come back, but up to this day, I still haven't stepped back at their home.

Death is inevitable. I know there's no one on earth is prepared to lose someone they care about.

Yet I see so many people who have move on with their lives after losing a dear one. The Mother of my closest cousin died of cancer. During the 2nd day of my aunt's wake, she was already okay & finally joking around. I know she was hurting inside, but if I were her, I'll probably lock myself up in my room, & will try to avoid talking to anyone.

There are others whom I think can accept death willingly because of their strong faith & positive outlook in life.

I admire these people, because I know to myself that although I may be a loner, realizing a love one's mortality is something I can not handle..

Although I agree that moving on doesn't mean you have forgotten that person. As what they say - the pain never goes away, you only got used to it.

Have a peaceful All Soul's Day. Let's remember our dearly departed & pray they'll have a better journey in the after life./* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;}


 “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." 

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Dark Period Films

REPOSTED from 04/22/2008

I'm a huge fan of dark period films. It makes you see a world that is too GLOOMY & LONESOME.

Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein

“Do you share my Madness?”

This film actually tells us, that it’s not one’s physical appearance that makes him evil, but with how cruel people treat another that they make someone a monster.

"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe.”

Mary Reilly This is another beautiful dark period film. I had a crush on John Malkovich.

“ Is Evil Stronger than Good”

I love how this film shows how one's sadness can bring out either the better or darker side of men.

The depressing atmosphere, the filthy market & brothel.

And even the seemingly lush mansion of Dr. Jekyll is filled with emptiness.

"I wanted the night you see.. And here it is.."

From Hell Almost all of us are fans of Johnny Depp. I’ve watched almost all of his movies.

Brilliant acting from “The Libertine”.

Powerful scene don't you think?

But the film I loved most from Depp is “From Hell”. I can watch this over & over again.

“I shall tell you where we are. We’re in the darkest region of the human brain, a radiant abyss where men go to find themselves.”

My favorite scene would probably be the kiss.

Its a very dark film, you can barely hear anyone talking inside the movie house.

I was with my friend & sis, but I felt I was all alone in the movie house. It was just me & the film.

That kiss was a relief from all the tension we were feeling from the movie.

Interview with the vampire

This is the bestvampire movie for me (although 'The Lost Boys" was really good - a remembrance from childhood).

Don’t you just wish to be in their shoes? Perfectly beautiful, mysterious, Immortal, & stands out without even trying. Yet despite all these, the truth of the matter is they are monsters & should not be adored. “Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately, and so shall we.

For no creatures under God are as we are; none so like him as ourselves.”

Favorite Scene:

“I have never seen a vision, nor learned a secret, that would damn or save my soul.”

“No one could resist me, not even you.”

I love the opening theme from "Interview with the Vampire", Elliot Goldenthal's 'Libera Me'; 'Libera Me, Domine, de morte aeterna'..

Here's the English translation:

“Deliver me, O Lord, from eternal death on that awful day when the heavens and earth shall be shaken and you shall come to judge the world by fire. I am seized with fear and trembling until the trial is at hand and the wrath to come: when the heavens and earth shall be shaken.”

Another Favorite movie theme is from " Bram Stoker's Dracula", Annie Lennox's 'Love songfor A Vampire". Although I terribly love the book, this movie I HATE so much!

“ Oh loneliness, oh hopelessness To search the ends of time For there is in all the world No greater love than mine.”

“Let me be the only one To keep you from the cold Now the floor of Hell is lain With stars of brightest gold They shine for you They burn for all to see Come into these arms again And set this spirit free”

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One at a Time


"My goal in life is to give to the world what I was lucky to receive...

the ecstasy of divine union through my music and my dance."

I always had this weird feeling that sometimes when I think of something terrible, it becomes reality..Like thinking what will I feel if one of my fave artists passed away, such as the KING OF POP..

And when an old friend told me that he's coming back home because his Mom's sick, I suddenly had this strange image of them having a funeral.

This day was extremely sad: an old friend whom I haven't seen nor spoken to for so many years lost his mom from cancer & another friend was fretting about a sudden engagement.

But this text message I received from my cousin affected me so much:

K: Breaking News: Legendary Pop Icon Michael Jackson dies at 50. =(

Me:Are you sure? is this on the news. 

K:Yes it's true, my friend texted me that she saw it on the news.When i heard about it, I suddenly remember back in grade school you were a big MJ fan & thought I should text you & your sis. MJ's songs are really nice...

I really can’t believe MJ has left us. ='(I grew up listening to his music. Hearing his passing felt like someone very dear & close to me died.

Still don't know much about the deatils of his death.

I’m trying not to watch the news, it hurts so much seeing all these headlines of his demise.. sobs

I’m silently crying right now.. And yes, I am listening to his songs while writing this, I feel extremely sad, knowing he’s no longer with us.. ='(

Hearing his songs gives me goosebumps knowing that never will we ever see him sing these songs to us again..

I will miss him truly...

“Even though the pain and heartache

Seems to follow me wherever I go

Though I try and try to hide my feelings

They always seem to show

Then you try to say you're leaving me

And I always have to say no...

Tell me why is it so

That I Never Can Say Goodbye…”

He was one of my sources of inspiration to be a good person.='(

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Can you hear their cries?

"In my dream children sing a song of love for every boy and girl

The sky is blue and fields are green and laughter is the language of the world

Then I wake and all I see is a world full of people in need."


 "Tell me why, does it have to be like this?

 Is there something I have missed?cos I don't understand.

When so many need somebody we don't give a helping hand."



"Everyday I ask myself what will I have to do to be a man?

Do I have to stand and fight to prove to everybody who I am?

Is that what my life is for to waste in a world full of war?"


 “Tell me why (why, do we never learn?)

(Why do we pass the blame?)




I’m the type of person who doesn’t cry easily, but seeing these photos of what is currently the situation inGaza, no matter how I tried destructing myself, I can’t help but get emotional.

If just seeing this on the news & on the internet disheartens me, how much more are those who are actually witnessing these horrors!


What if I was one of them, or if the dead children were my own? What if this happen in our own country?

Steal away our lives, our loved ones & our homes!I just can’t fully imagine how much sufferings they are going through! It’s heart breaking! :'(


Let’s prayfor the innocent victims, to those who died in this war & to those still fighting to survive.

And hope at least that this will be over soon…


I know, with this kind of situation, we can’t help but feel helpless.

What can we do to stop these kind or wars? I have no idea.

But I don’t want to ignore this & pretend that none of this is happening.

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Random 90's


This is my most favorite album from The Smashing Pumpkins .

Ironically, no matter how blasphemous, & suicidal the lyrics were, their songs kept me sane.

Don't you just love how strange their music videos are? Thirty-ThreeBullet with Butterfly WingsTonight Tonight,   Zero, & Ava Adore.

My favorite Smashing Pumpkins song would have to be " Disarm" from their album Siamese Twins, great song & beautiful video:

I like how Billy Corgan writes his songs; it doesn't have to be so elaborate for you to understand what it means:

I even tried to learn the guitar. Not so I can be a Rockstar & perform crazily on stage; No, I just wanted to learn how to play their song ZERO.

(my old guitar)Did I ever learn to play the guitar? After a few lessons I got sick of it. I regret that I didn't try to learn the violin or piano instead; guitar wasn't for me.


Although the 90's was also the era of the boybands & some irritating & excruciating songs such as Ace of Base's I saw the sign, Macarena & Aqua's Barbie girl .Fortunately, there was a good side of music during that time; thanks to the likes of Smashing Pumpkins & these guys:


Have any of you considered this 90's teenage flick as one of your guilty pleasures?

I'm not a huge fan though, but it's a good film & has a very good soundtrack,  including Placebo's "Every You, Every Me"  & Counting Crows' "Colorblind"."Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way."Don't you just love the ending of this movie? With that awesome song from The Verve.

Poor Kathryn, I felt really really sorry for her at the end.


One evening back in the late 90's, Mom, my sis & I were at the grocery store when we encounter one weird stranger.

While I was busy getting the things I need, my sissuddenly told me that there's someone who has been following us.

So the guy was hiding behind the grocery aisle().Then when he saw me looking at where he was, he suddenly hid behind it. "Probably someone we know", I thought.

Then it's getting really weird, because although he knew that we were aware of what he was doing, he still keeps following us. Hiding behind the aisle, watching us; just like this dude:

(Can't find anything close enough to picture that weirdo, so let's just settle for Mr. Grizzly Bear) 

We didn't tell our mom about this "stalker", we were busy thinking on how to get rid of him, 'should we ask why he's following us',but how?


He was out of sight when we were already at the check out lineHe suddenly popped out of nowhere & putting some of our grocery items at the cashier desk. Mom looking at him curiously while my sister & I was just watching him, then he left & that was it.


We weren't freaked out about this stranger following us, because you can actually feel if someone is a psycho; this guy is harmless & doesn't seem to be a threat, he was just... WEIRD . ****



****I used to wear black in high school, way before it became a fad in school.

One day, my high school teacher asked me this question:

Teacher: "Miss ______, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN BLACK?"

Me:"No reason."

Teacher: "You look as if you're mourning."

Me: "I'm NOT. And besides, I'm not in black right now, this is dark blue."

Teacher: "Yeah, but still looks black to me."

 (he even described me in two words, " Mysteriously Silent".)

I less often wear black when it became such a fad in school & other campuses. I don't want people to think that I'm one of them -  Who wears black because they think they're so cool or thinks that "I'm the next Kurt Cobain." or "The world is dead to me"sort of mentality.****

T.V. Shows & Pages from old Magazines


The late actors, Brad Renfro & Jonathan Brandis .


The other article is about some misconceptions on then-14-years-old Brad Renfro, such as: He doesn't speak to both of his folks, he only does R-Rated films, he was discover at a drug rehab.

Then some facts about him: He doesn't answer his fan mails, he dyes his hair, he doesn't do interviews etc..

The article on Jonathan Brandis is about his tv series "Sea Quest".****

 Will Friedle & his ex, Jennifer Love Hewitt(she's kinda cute before)

"Boy meets World" was funny, saw a few episodes. "Party of five", can't remember any of it.

I don't watch TV sitcom religiously. I often missed a lot of episodes or I just stopped watching them. 

But I kinda like this one



And this one's my favorite

MY SO-CALLED LIFE Then I love this one, and forever will love this family-sitcom


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Sickly 花

Been feeling sick for almost a week now.

Went to the doctor this afternoon, and he gave me some antibiotics & pain reliever.

Had a late lunch at a near resto & took the medicines immediately after.

Problem is, I’m allergic to almost anything! Early this evening, I noticed I’m having a little allergic reaction, I don't know which of the medicines have caused it.

I think I’m going down with another colds & a fever. sigh…Session data

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My Grandfather..

I’m not very close with my grandfather, but he’s very dear to me.

I remember when I was hospitalized back in 1997, he would come visit me whenever he's in town. Even if my folks weren’t around he would still drop by at the hospital ( so kind of him). During one of his visits, he told me that I should take up Medicine in college, because, according to him, doctors & nurses have to be pretty ( I assumed he was just trying to make me feel better).

My aunt mentioned to me before, that even if my grandfather doesn’t show much emotion, he loved his children dearly.

A humble & generous man; he has helped so many. In return, he was loved & respected. And that showed during his funeral; those we’re not related to requested to give them a chance to carry my grandfather’s coffin, they wanted it to be their last service for him .

It's been two years since he left us...

I haven’t been much of a good granddaughter to him (which I regret), but I hope he knows how much he means to me & how I wish he’s still with us.

 Today marks my grandfather's 2nd year death anniversary.May he Rest in Peace...

He will always be remembered…
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My list of androgynous men, a response to AgnzM blog about pretty boy Lee Jun Ki.

Lee Jun Ki from " The King & The Clown ". One of my few favorite korean films.

He looks so feminine. Too pretty, don't you think?

  I hardly notice good looking guys unless they're celebrities, especially those with androgynous look. But not those whom you might mistake as drag queens with their heavy make-up & silly outfits, as most visual artists are. 

Malice Mizer

They look creepy.


Seriously, don't you ever wonder what they really look like? when they wake up? after they shower? do they stay pretty even without those heavy make-up?The Gazette

No offense, I like “The Gazette”, they're cool!Androgynous men I'm referring to are those who are naturally pretty with or without make-up, but still look masculine enough.

                                             David Bowie                                         


                                Richard Oakes                                                     Ville Valo

Brett Anderson

                            Sakurai Atsushi                                                         Gackt

 And if you are familiar with the Johnny’s, almost all of their talents represent the term " b ishounen". ****

Matsumoto Jun


Hideaki Takizawa

 Yet with how plastic surgery is such a big fad now a days, we don’t know which of these guys are artificial beauties. ( There were rumors that Kame Kazuya & Akanishi Jin have their doctors to thank for their looks).


Kame & Jin

 And of course, there is Björn Andresen , hailed as the most beautiful boy.

I just found out about him this month when I was searching for old movies to watch. He plays the pretty boy Tadzio in the 1971 film “ Death in Venice ”.

I’ve read from wikipedia that his looks were the inspiration of many manga artists, especially of Keiko Takemiya.

Kaze to Ki no Uta

See the similarity?

 And my favorite of them all...

HYDE   (no explanation needed!)

4th Avenue Cafe
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"Things are not always what they seem; The first appearance deceives many. The intelligence of a few, perceives what has been carefully hidden." ...Read more

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