“The Constructicon Conundrum”
Over this past weekend, I had a revelation on a topic that has been pestering my subconscious ever since I was a child. A revelation of “bake your noodle” proportions. Now, before I dive into both conundrum and subsequent revelation, let me preface this all by mentioning that if you were not a fan of the original 80s Transformers cartoon, you may find this rambling just as necessary or relevant as those goddamn accelerator suits in G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (in other words, “not very”). However, if you were one of those inquisitive minds that wondered where the hell Soundwave was able to store all those damn tapes that popped out of his chest ad infinitum, then read on!
First, the conundrum (you may not have consciously thought this to yourself--or maybe you did—but trust me, as soon as I finish asking the question and providing the answer, you will suddenly feel as if a nagging itch has finally been scratched). You ready? Here it goes:
“Why the f*ck is Devastator dumber than the six collective Constructicons that form him?”
Oh snap. Yeah. You heard that sound, too? That was your collective jaw dropping to the floor as you suddenly realized that this question has been hounding you since childhood (for those of you still reading even though you're not familiar with the 80s Transformers cartoon, we're not talking about the robot from Revenge of the Fallen that was comprised of a bunch of unidentifiable parts with a cement mixer/woodchipper thingie for a mouth; we're talking about the badass motherf*cking Hulk-color-scheme-looking motherf*cker from the original cartoon).
Ostensibly, this makes absolutely no sense. You've got six robots, meaning six central processors, who collectively should have the computing power to actually think faster than one individual processor alone, right? Devastator should be smarter than any single one of the Constructicons alone, right?
WRONG.
Let me tell you why. The answer, when you think about it, is actually quite simple. The reason Devastator gets dumber when the Constructicons merge is because he speaks and makes decisions by committee. Let me illustrate by way of example:
Let's say the Constructicons run into Optimus Prime on the battlefield. For whatever reason (most likely because they individually feel overmatched against Prime and don't want to risk being labeled or identified as the Constructicon weak link just as Starscream is unequivocally identified as the Decepticon weak link), they merge into Devastator.
Now, here's where we breakdown Devastator's thought process when it comes to speaking or verbalizing. Usually, after the invariable “Constructicons, merge to form Devastator!!!” command, the Constructicons merge, and then Devastator has some kind of quip that he relays to his opponent. In terms of actual process, each of the individual Constructicons would have to come up with that quip, so what you'd have to start out with could possibly look something like this:
SCRAPPER: “Prime, I'm gonna destroy your ass and the f*cking horse you rode in on! Or rather, you and that f*cking trailer that rode in with you. Wait a minute—what the f*ck happened to the trailer?”
HOOK: “I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your f*ckin' ass, you'll be tasting titanium toejam for the next two years!”
BONECRUSHER: “I'm gonna enjoy destroyin' you, Prime!”
SCAVENGER: “I'll wipe that sh*t-eating grin off your face and then—oh wait, can't see your goddamn mouth underneath that f*cking faceguard thingie. F*ck it—destroy!!!”
LONG HAUL: “I'm gonna destroy you in combat and rip the f*cking Matrix out of your chest cavity, Temple of Doom style!”
MIXMASTER: “Hand me the keys, you f*cking c*cksucker motherf*cker, blehblehblehblehblehaaargghhh!!!!!”
Now, for those of you who've taken statistics, you know that the first we thing we do is get rid of what are called “outliers.” In layman's terms, if your professor is grading on a curve, he or she will usually throw out both the highest and lowest score in order to more appropriately assess the median or mean. In Constructicon terms, it means throwing out the cleverest remark (let's say Hook's because of its poetic and alliterative wittiness) as well as the dumbest one (Mixmaster—what the f*ck?).
Here are the four replies remaining:
SCRAPPER: “Prime, I'm gonna destroy your ass and the f*cking horse you rode in on! Or rather, you and that f*cking trailer that rode in with you. Wait a minute—what the f*ck happened to the trailer?”
BONECRUSHER: “I'm gonna enjoy destroyin' you, Prime!”
SCAVENGER: “I'll wipe that sh*t-eating grin off your face and then—oh wait, can't see your goddamn mouth underneath that f*cking faceguard thingie. F*ck it—destroy!!!”
LONG HAUL: “I'm gonna destroy you in combat and rip the f*cking Matrix out of your chest cavity, Temple of Doom style!”
So, if you're Devastator, you have to take those four answers and whittle it down to one LCD (Lowest Common Denominator) answer. Let's illustrate by eliminating words that aren't seen in all four versions of the individual Constructicons' replies:
“Prime, I'm gonna destroy your ass and the f*cking horse you rode in on! Or rather, you and that f*cking trailer that rode in with you. Wait a minute—what the f*ck happened to the trailer?”
“I'm gonna enjoy destroyin' you, Prime!”
“I'll wipe that sh*t-eating grin off your face and then—oh wait, can't see your goddamn mouth underneath that f*cking faceguard thingie. F*ck it—destroy!!!”
“I'm gonna destroy you in combat and rip the f*cking Matrix out of your chest cavity, Temple of Doom style!”
What you're left with is:
“I (Devastator) destroy you (Prime)!”
And thus, Devastator's menacing, not-too-bright quip becomes:
“Devastator destroy Prime!”
And there you go. There's the answer plain and simple.
Unfortunately, this doesn't shed any light on why Wheeljack made the Dinobots so f*cking stupid. Either his ass was a little too toasted on some of that Cybertronian moonshine or he just decided to play a practical joke on those poor Dinobots. Oh well, we'll save answering that problem for another installment...
