You want to be upbeat and positive and believe that all things will work for good, but you'd like to be a little selfish and think... My good... doesn't always happen, does it. We start year 2 of the big health battle at my house. Creatively everything has fallen apart as well... finding a job in a down market in a depressed area is difficult... and in all the chaos and mess... finding joy and reasons to be content take work. Today it takes more than I have. Maybe it will be easier tomorrow... maybe.... Having faith, giving thanks, keeping on when the way is tough... that's all part of life here. Thanks for making this year a little easier!

When I was first approached about writing volume 2 of a manga I love by a creator that I respect, I said "YES!" instantly. It was only later that the complexity of the task felt overwhelming.

Kind of a version of extreme fanfiction, I started studying the 1st volume, trying to figure out how to resolve all the storylines in volume 1 in the next book and yet still have a story. On giant post-its, I made a list of things the new book had to include and stuck it to my office door. Every day for the next five months, I looked at that list. When I talked to the creator and the editor about the task, I kept the list in front of me.

I sent my first proposal and everyone liked most of it. The editor and I talked a couple of hours about the second storyline and what to do with it. Condensing it and punching up the love story seemed to be the only solution- but could I make it flow? I wasn't sure.

I didn't have an ending for a long time. I talked to my favorite personal editor and we hashed out a few things. I made a second list- kind of a what's in your pocket list- a list of all the resources I have at the end of the story. And then I stared it for weeks. I edited the screenplay for Van Ness and looked at the list of things I had for the Manga. Still no ending.

I send Van Ness' screenplay in to the Nicoll Contest and got the action beats for the manga back from the editor with two minor adjustments. It was time to start writing... but I couldn't get started. Posted on the walls of my work space was Volume 1. Some days I walked around and around the space, staring the first work and wondering if I'd get Vol. 2 done in this life time.

About this time, my second screenplay started demanding that I work on it- it's characters screamed for me to begin fleshing them out so they can do the things they need to do and yet... I had this BIG project- the paying project- the one that will have my name on the cover and be in book stores everywhere project that I couldn't complete.

My own screenplay would have to wait and I started jotting notes for it during the only non-guilt time I had- Sunday's sermon. I wrote Van Ness' screenplay that way- one scene a week during the sermon for nearly four years, but I didn't feel guilty about that since God told me to write Van Ness' I was sure he counted my writing it during the sermon as worship. But... the new one... I wasn't sure how God felt about me writing it during the sermon.

I finished the first draft of the manga last night and sent it off to the editor and creator for critiques and feedback. It will be a while before I have to start the edits on it. In the meantime, I can work on my own writing without guilt- and maybe even do it at times other than sermon time!

This whole project has been a gift from God- a reward for obedience I think. When God told me to write Van Ness a cross over screenplay, it took nearly a year of study before I could start writing. Writing screenplays was a different kind of writing and mastering the ins and out took a lot of personal study. I got the official "GO" on the manga project after finishing the first draft of Van Ness' screen play and the editor said, "Oh, by the way, I'd like it in a screenplay format. Can you do that?"

I fought with God a long time about the insanity of his project and writing it was an act of obedience for me- a step of faith that God had a plan for it that made sense... so I gave it my whole heart and at the end of the process, God gave me the manga which needed the specific skills I learned for his project.

Of course --- one would think one would trust God more after he does stuff like this, one would think.... unfortunately, God and I have to keep working on my faith issues- time after time.... but I believe he loves me and that he works miracles- can't wait to see what his next one is! :) Maybe it will be having having Van Ness' screenplay make it to the quarter finals... we'll know in August.......

I was in total denial as I spent days trying not to write on the project that will actually get published and pay me something for my effort. Day after day went by and I couldn't figure out how to continue the story line.

So I went back to the basics. I read everything I could in that genre for about two weeks, but I was still blocked. I ordered new music and spent a week lost in the sounds of Thai pop- still blocked. I cleaned the house, did the laundry, made summer plans knowing I have to have a first draft done before I leave- the block didn't leave, but the anxiety over meeting the deadline rose substantially.

I went to the thriftstores and wandered the rows of things people have discarded looking for the perfect thing- the thing that will remove my block- brought home a 1st edition of a Pearl Buck with the dust jacket for $1.49, a set of Hebrew alphabet stamps, a quilt rack for the family quilt made by some ancester no one remembers, a sun hat for my mother, some old Jackie Chan DVDs for $2 each, a stack of multicultural children books, and a silver tea set that needed polishing. Spend a day removing tarnish off the tea set- nope- still seriously stuck.

Yesterday, in a bit of a panic as the deadline loomed, I wrote about being blocked and posted in another place. Advice poured in, but most of it wasn't practical since this block was project-specific and not my usual block- usually I get blocked because I don't want to write an emotionally hard scene. I cranked the new Van Ness CD on repeat, hydrated, and sat down, by the end of the day, I was past the scene blocking me and well on my way towards the middle.

What broke the block when nothing else would? I think naming it in a public place gave it a face and allowed me to think about the project differently. The act of saying loudly, "I am blocked! I can't do this," allowed me to look at things differently. As I explained why the advice wouldn't work, I realized that the thing I couldn't write wouldn't work because it was too predictable and finally I knew what the main character had to do to move forward. Once I moved out of the block, I fell in love again with the project. I hadn't realized that the block was keeping my emotions from engaging with the characters. As I wrote, I grinned- yep, this is right. This is so right! Yes.... where are the fireworks? The party? This month long block is finally banished!

Though... I'm a bit worried... I'm writing the new screenplay scene by scene during the sermon on Sundays since I'm not supposed to be working on it and that's when the inspiration hits... I wonder if God thinks it's good.... I wonder if God laughs because I'm just a mess when I get stuck! I wrote most of the screenplay for Vanness during sermon time too, but I didn't feel bad about that one- since God told me to write it for him. Funny way to worship though...

The hardest part about being a writer is the rejection process. It doesn't matter how much the rejection letter flatters you, the fact remains that this one too isn't going to publish your work- for whatever reason they give you. For me, I have to fight to not take it personally and to find the resolve to keep fighting, keep trying, keep writing, keep believing that someday... the rejection process will be behind me.... some day.

But where does that strength of will come from, that belief that what you're writing is important enough for others to read it? It'd be easier on the heart and the soul to walk away and spend my life doing other things that will see results- plant a black walnut tree in the backyard, play with the neighbor's baby, walk a dog at the pound. So what keeps me at the keyboard after the rejection letter, working on the next piece? Is a life lived behind the keyboard that important that I can keep going? I could make more money doing hundreds of other things and yet... I stay... focused on the end result when the beginning is not in sight... steeling my heart for one more rejection along the road.

Can force of will make a difference? I don't know... but I do know I can't give up... not yet, not right now! Time is growing short, but the drive to write hasn't gone away.