Hello,Everyone I am doing good on my lifesyle change and I have now lost 30 pounds and I have still stopped smoking.I am no longer a grumpy person I am actually laughing alot these days. I have more will power than I thougt I did. I am trying to get my husband to stop smoking also but he says no,He doesn't want to.But I know when he is ready he will quit. My doctor who I swear looks just like Jet Li! says he's proud of my weight lost and said dont give up.Like I was actually going to give up.NOT! There is one thing that bothers me.It said on his medical chart(poster),that if you stop smoking and loose wieght your blood pressure will reduce.But mine got higher.I never had a problem with high blood pressue before but now I do.He seems to think it's stress related. I will be celebrating my 10th annaversary friday april 25th.The day before Jets birtday.I dont know if it will last another 10 years or not. We have been argueing alot lately.Which always ends in me packing my stuff. I am really ready to walk away from him.Everyone's like you've been together 10 years, why leave now.well because I am not happy for one thing and even my kids cant stand him.And he's their father.My daughter asked me why don't you just leave him? The last time I tried to leave him, he put a gun to his head and said if I left he would have nothing to live for.So I stayed.I wonder what would've happened if I had left.I would be happier but not at the expense of someones death.Or would he have the nerve to do it. I just don't know what to do I feefl like Im being forced to stay in a marriage I don't want to be in. Well I guess i will write later.

  I am still doing good on my diet and I still have not smoked a cigarette . and i have lost 22 pounds.

   I am still doing my best I have not smoked a cigarette and I have lost 15 pounds.talk at you later.

 Well,it's been a week since my last cigarette.And I have been eating once a day.So I feel better.But I wish I was not be so grouchy. I've been biting peoples heads off left and right.I don't really mean to.And I feel bad afterwards.But I can't help it or can I? I may need to mediteate to get rid of those negative feelings.My karma is bad enough already.I do hope those people I snap at will undertand and forgive me.I kind of feel hopeless a little bit and I am getting discouaged a little bit,But I have enough faith in my self to not give up until I see the results that I want to see.When I say loose weight I mean over 50 lbs.So this is a long and time consuming journey ahead of me.But I know I can do it .When I feel like giving up I think about Jet Li and I feel motivated to do by best,and succeed at whatever I am trying to do.

 It is so ironic how nothing stays the same,No matter how you want it to.My Father told me that he got an offer from someone who wants to buy his home. And all I can see is my childhood home being leveled with a bulldozer.And that breaks my heart.I know stuff like that happens everyday.But that doesn't help me feel any better .Most people move around so much that they don't even remember their childhood houses.And if I had moved around more I would probably see things in a different light.But I have so many memories of that house.Friends that would come over and games played outdoors.My sister and I would go outside and play badmitton and volleyball,tennis,basketball. riding our first bike.Me climbling trees cause I was a really big tomboy.I was as tough as my brothers (I thought anyway).Catching green snakes,playing with lizards and I remember Going outside and gathering frogs and I used to take them in and flush them down the toilet.Poor things! I can't believe I used to be so mean. I know regarless of the house being there or not those memories are still left in my head.But I guess if he does sale,I will just have to get used to the idea.I guess if they can sale it after their memories of rasing 6 kids in it,and it doesn't bother them than it should be easier for me to let go too. I guess things will work out they always have a tendency to do that. I guess I will write more about that later when I know more about it,It could be that I am over reacting to this whole situation.