Wednesday, Dec 3, 2008 3:09PM /
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I use to enjoy helping people, I guess when I was younger, the thought of an opportunity to do the world some good plus building a stronger bond with another person was the most awesome idea... Now it seems like everybody that you don't know who ask for help are just about using you to get what they want. And then when you see other people get burned and situations where helping someone can get you into trouble, you start being guarded and questioning if you should help them at all... and then you ask yourself "what ever happened to the goodness you had in you before?" It was all good before... when we never questioned motives and selfishness, and it sucks that we question it now... but we have to; to protect ourselves and survive. *shrug* nothing we can do about that. But I still go on my instincts and help those I believe need it, and if I got to lose a few, so what, in life, you win some, and you lose some... just don't expect to win them all, and live humble.
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Tuesday, Nov 25, 2008 6:21PM /
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I'm sitting here wondering what's going on. Every single detail of everything that I want to accomplish... clouding my mind so that I can't remember what I was suppose to focus on. Finish Drowning, finish showreel, work on documentary, get ready for Raspberry Magic which is shooting in a week, I tell myself : "just a little more, a little bit more effort and your there." I'm burned, mind is frying from all the small things i have to accomplish in order to finish the big one. It's 3am again and I am still awake, trying to finish something, trying to think of new ideas, trying to be better than the next guy by a little bit, trying to improve myself a little more... I feel the chill now, alcohol's kicking in, thank goodness. Now I can finally think while my mind unwinds and takes a break from the thousands of synapses. I start thinking about people, how we survive, how we look at the world, and I see that the older we get, the better we get at manipulating ourselves. We manipulate ourselves so that we don't go insane; so that we may live in this world through all the good, bad, and not kill ourselves.
And many times we manipulate ourselves into believing in ourself, because we know that if we don't, then no one else will. One of man's biggest fear is failure; I'd like to put it as "losing the will to succeed". No matter how big or small our goals are, if one day you stopped believing in what you are selling, your done. This is what impresses me about the older salesman who have been doing sales for decades and still believe in their product. I find it so hard that after so many years that they can still maintain that type of belief, even if it's feigned. How tough would that be, selling cars for 20-30 years, during the good, bad, mediocre times, and all this time believing that you'll sell the next one and being genuine to everyone that walks through your door; they are the best actors. What if they stopped believing? What would happen? I ask myself "what if I stopped believing? what would happen to me?" *shrug*. I'm not big on drinking alone, but I needed the buzz tonight, so that my mind can slow down and forget all the tasks on hand. It's hard to maintain focus on your main goal when the small things get at you and take all of your time and effort. I think the hardest part about making a film is remembering the very first inspiration that gave you the idea to make the film, and never losing that essence throughout the hectic process of making the film.
If this was in Shanghai, I wouldn't be sitting at home contemplating, I'd be walking the streets looking for answers walking in the midst of the night's breeze. And for some reason, I usually find the answers to my questions during this process. I usually bring my mp3 player and just walk to where ever, or I'd get on a bus and ride to the end stop and roam around some more, at times not knowing where I am, but never caring, I'm in my other world, walking without thinking about walking while subconsciously entering a different dimension, my mind gets in a zone and I can focus clearly on my thoughts while blurts of images enter my brain. Some people call that inspiration, I don't know what I call it, it feels like I'm absorbing the soul of the city, the soul of where ever I am, a spiritual journey. Everything I see becomes inspiration... people may call that a natural high, the way my eyes see things, everything comes alive, from the little boy with one arm begging for change on the subway, to the Filipino female singer singing English songs at a local pub, the sensitivity in my brain is magnified and I begin seeing things, imagining stories, feeling the life of that boy with one arm, everyday, getting on the same subway, begging for change, looking into the faces of strangers with no compassion who avoid my eye contact for fear of guilt, getting on my knees and waving around a cup in front of the person I think may spare some change for me, feeling his life, and then I start seeing his life unfold in visual images: the kid jumping the entrance and exits of subways so he doesn't have to pay the fare, eating noodles at the closest Xinjiang noodle place for 5rmb, and enjoying those noodles with tiny bits of lamb pieces, and thinking to himself "i wish there was more lamb meat... heck, what do you expect for 5 rmb? maybe one day if i am rich, I will order a bowl of noodles and tell the boss to add extra meat and tell him I will pay extra, that'd be the day", sleeping at the subway station with a blanket, in the middle of the night, before he sleeps, he asks if there is a God in this world, if anyone can see and feel his pain, if anyone loves him.
And that Filipino female singer, how she must feel after every show singing to a crowd who really aren't there for her singing, and asking herself "what am I doing here at age 32 singing English songs at a bar in Shanghai?", this girl who once had aspirations to be a pop star, now singing at local pubs in a different country where she doesn't even understand the local language. How her husband is back home in the Philippines working his butt off and taking care of their daughter. She calls home twice a week, so that she remembers she has a family; something to sing for. No longer holding onto her dream, she now sings to live, to support her family, her daughter, so that she may one day have a shot at a better life than hers. Once filled with optimism, once a queen in her own right, now reduced to a mercenary singer.
These journeys have no ends, and I am allowed into these worlds that are not my own. I'd like to get back into this world, and see the stories that occur there and bring it back with me to our world and put it on a movie screen for people to see, to share it with the world.
However, the BS of life takes away a lot of this luxury I call it " the other world". Every story I see, I hope to grab onto it and never let go... so that I won't forget it. At times I write it down and try to tell myself "don't let this one go, this could be a great! People will love it!" And at times, I lose them. I wish these images and stories would slow down so that I may record the, and stay in my brain a little longer, just a little bit more for me to understand it... so that I may be able to paint it on a canvas and show it to the world. I ask too much of myself, trying to accomplish too much, and I am so hard on myself that I don't give myself a break It's all taking a toll and I'm losing my focus. I can't wait for my film to be done, I can't wait for my website to done, I can't wait for a lot of things, but I have to. I have no choice. I have to wait and let time take its course. I don't want to. But I must. Ok, I think I'm drunk, my eyes are getting watery for some reason, and my head is throbing now, time to sleep. Tomorrow I will awake and go on finishing the tasks I must accomplish tho I wish I didn't have to. And all this time, manipulating myself with "you will get there! keep at it, your hard work will pay off, I promise you, just a little bit more, you can do it..." I'm tired... but i must go on, when i go to bed in a few minutes, I will be thinking of how to structure my showreel, how to structure my doc, oh boy... it's 3:20am and I need to get up for a meeting in a few hours. I sleep now, and hope i have a good dream and can forget about the realities of life. I'll test my luck and see what happens... buzz wearing off, time to get between the sheets. Peace ya'll.
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Friday, Nov 21, 2008 5:14PM /
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Besides working and making $$$ to cover my expenses for film festivals, all I have been focused on is finishing
Drowning and getting it out there. Since it is 95% finished, so I've already started sending rough cuts out to film festivals. It's a lot of work: burning DVDs, making dvd covers(I wish I was in China, then I can hire someone and do all this for me), signing up for film festivals(EXPENSIVE! avg. film festival costs $30, and if I do about 30 each(w/2 films), 60x30=$1800, BOOM!) That's just the entry fee, if I get in, I fly there(plane ticket avg. $200 roundtrip + expenses). This is why I couldn't make it out the Malta and England ones I got in =/. People say pimping ain't easy, I say being a filmmaker ain't. We gotta go out make films w/our own money, and then PAY MORE to get recognized for them, holy cow! No wonder so many filmmakers quit; they're broke! Here's a few pictures to show you my "office" and my prep:
Double time: 1 spitting out DVD, 1 printing. Mailing out festival entries, this is only 1st batch.
For filmmakers, festivals are where your films are recognized and you gain credibility as well as receive accolades. Imagine you made a film and no one knows about it, what was the whole point of making your film? So your friends can watch it? The goal is to be recognized by a panel of people who KNOW film and say your film is legit, and if a lot of these film critics say your film is good, then the public will begin knowing your name and getting "famous". Most of the film festivals don't have awards; just being selected is a big deal. For example, most US film festivals will receive about 300-400 submissions from all over the world (mainly North America), and they can only pick about 30-40 to showcase in their festivals. It's a huge competition and getting "officially selected" is therefore a big deal. The better your film, the more likely you'll get in the tier 1 film festivals that are recognized worldwide: Cannes in France, Toronto in Canada, Sundance in USA, Golden Horse in HK, and so on. I think it'll have to be my first feature film that has a chance to get into any of these big time film festivals. The average budget for films that get in these film festivals are quite high; esp. the feature length ones.
Cut, fold, slip into DVD covers. WORK! Just designed a temp. Drowning cover for now.
For
600 , I signed up for mostly tier 2 film festivals that are medium size and relatively well known, I still signed up for the big ones, but obviously I knew the chances were slim. For a 1st film, my goal was to get in a few relatively well known festivals and gain some notches under my belt and meet more filmmakers/industry people at these events as well as gain support from the audience/festival people. Most importantly, I was getting my name out there, and I think I've achieved that in the past few months. However, with
Drowning as my 2nd film, the expectations are higher.
Drowning is a narrative and contains a complete story behind it, so therefore it will no longer be considered as a "oh, that was a cool looking little piece about an English teacher in Shanghai, I felt that one",
600 was never judged as a narrative because it wasn't; it was pure feel and style that it gained any merit at all, plus some people relating to it.
My buddies came to support in Austin. My biggest support(I know I'm lucky): mom & pops.
I think showing
600 to an American audience had a drawback simply because most people here can't relate to it. But the audience that did relate to the film, all loved it and made sure I knew they did after the showing. The contrast is quite huge when I showed it in Asia. Especially in an ex-pat crowd, it was a TOTALLY different dynamic.
I remember the feeling that night at the
5th Shanghai Short Film Festival after my film just finished showing when I eavesdropped on two older gentleman talking about
600 . One guy said "man, that movie about the English teacher, that's my life right there." and his buddy answered "yeah... me too. Man..." and it was a beautiful moment because the two of them just sat there in silence, sighed and contemplating. I went up to the two of them, with tears in my eyes, I told them they had made my day. I also told them the reason I made this film was to portray the lifestyle people like them. They were deeply touched and we had a warm close conversation after that. After that moment, my new life was decided before I knew it. With two trophies in my hand, we celebrated with my friend Mai Ling at a restaurant and I went home thinking about a lot of things. That night changed my life forever and I am here today doing what I do because of that night.
It's crazy to think that was July, 2007 and so much time has passed. Things have changed, and life has been mundane since those Shanghai nights. But I hang on knowing I'm sacrificing now for the grander plan in the future. I have to pay my dues before I am ready for the big time, I still chase happiness everyday but somewhere inside me, my heart yearns the day I start my feature. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I want to get things done quick,
600 took 2 weeks,
Drowning took 6 months. I hated the waiting part, but I learned a lot during the 6 months about every facet of film making. The best advice I got when I was in Shanghai is "slow down, you'll get there, but it takes time". I personally hate to wait, but I know I must wait. Everyday I learn and crawl a little closer to that big day. For all that, I'll deal and put up with all the BS & frustration that comes along w/being a filmmaker cause I know it'll pay off. The most important thing is having the confidence knowing you WILL get there; that sheer will power is the only thing us filmmakers have sometimes. And it's always sad when your will doesn't last and reality comes crashing down on you. Just like when all of us thought we'd be playing in the NBA, and one day we wake up and realize we never will; it's the worst feeling and I hope I will never have to face that. Dream on playas!
P.S~ I wanted to thank everyone that's been supporting me in the past few months: from friends to people I've met at film festivals, and the
online community, fellow filmmakers, and festival directors, without you guys, I wouldn't still be motivated to keep going. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Look out for
Drowning on DVD + new
JamesFeng.com website both dropping within a month.
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Sunday, Nov 16, 2008 5:54PM /
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Finally clamped down and spent a whole night until 8am working w/my graphics designer Fiona on finishing up what we started on the poster for 600. I am satisfied and like it, but who knew it'd take this long to get done w/a poster. So many layers in PS and working w/everything, man, a lot of work, but quite gratifying to have a final product. Probably gonna use this for DVD cover as well even though we'll have another poster out soon.
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Saturday, Nov 1, 2008 6:41PM /
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It's been a while since I've watched Asian films. Ever since I came back, most films I've watched here have been mostly American fims. I got my steady diet of Asian films while I was in China. In order to familiarize myself with traditional filmmaking technicalities/aesthetics, I've turned to Hollywood films since most studio films are all made the same way. Tonight, I had the pleasure of a throwback and watching one of my all time favorite films in the world in Suzhou River. I started talking about this film as well as Millenium Mambo with some friends last night and telling them these two are must-see films that represent our generation.
This film is so complete and beautiful in the ways it expresses relationships/characters/life through a never been done before structure. The other beautiful aspect is the filmmaking and how free it is. The film was mostly shot on handheld. Films like this aren't very much American due to the fact that its prominence is mostly due to style. Most American films are considered cinematic due to production value: beautiful sets, beautiful cinematography, name actors, great editing, etc... Quite on the contrary, Asian films gain prominence due to lavish styling. In a way, I think American films are all the same due to the ways that students here are taught the same formula to make a film: get all the coverage you can get, find a good editor, make sure your scrīpt is complete, PERIOD. All the high production value films made here are obviously the best due to production value; and that's why people love American films because we have this high standard of production value backed by million dollar budgets(avg. Hollywood film is around 20 million).
Aesthetically speaking, I think it's a lot harder to find your own style when your cramped in an environment where everyone is taught the same rules and shooting the same films. That's why we have so many directors and so few that standout due to their own style. That's why it's quite refreshing for me to watch Suzhou River again to appreciate the genius and beauty in such a film that is flawless with the perfect structure that hasn't ever been done before. No one can ever be this original because this is the first time it was ever done and that's why it stood out. You would think this director's other films are just as good, but Lou Ye's other films aren't even close to Suzhou River in every way. It makes me wonder if it's sometimes luck that drives certain filmmakers to gain prominence and make amazing films.
I did a comparison of my own films 600 and Drowning in retrospect since I officially finished our festival cut today YAY! 600 was very much Suzhou River influenced style in that we tried to capture the feelings we wanted to without worrying about technicalities; we didn't care for it because we weren't there to showoff our skills because we didn't have any(we were all 1st timers in making a film at the time). On the other side, Drowning is a much more technical film and more cinematic due to my goal in trying to show that I can technically complete a good film. I believe Drowning still holds strong content due to the scrīpt which I spent a while writing. People often say Drowning is a very mature film compared to 600(even my buddies that helped me make 600 said so). From a technical perspective I believe Drowning is a lot more mature than 600 since it tells a complete story and does it with good visuals/music/sounds/editing. In a way I feel the film is a lot different than 600 in that it's less raw and has an energy that is much more contained.
I think every film we approach as filmmakers, we do our best in different situations to make the best film possible; and each experience is different. Every film has its own soul and energy, and a lot of that is who I am as a person living in this universe, things I've seen, experienced, heard, or imagined. Everyone draws inspiration differently; most would say my imagination is a little darker than the rest, and that's fine with me, I like it like that. I was surprised and proud of 600 due to it's realness that I was able to capture which I didn't expect when I first shot it. I am also proud of Drowning for my technical achievements and the completeness in this film which tells a compelling story in a longer length than 600(600 is 7 minutes, Drowning is about 20 minutes).
I am more proud I got Drowning made because I basically pulled all the stops and produced this film with my own money and dealt with all the BS a producer has to go through to get a film done. The experience from Drowning has taught me the process from writing-scrīpt-preproduction-production-postproduction and dealing with every level of personnel(that was the hardest part). In the end, I proved to myself it's possible to make a good film if your heart's really in it and you don't give up. However, I don't think I want to make another Drowning b/c I'll probably go bankrupt, hahaha, jk, not really, lol. But I know I HAD TO have done Drowning in order to get to the next level; both from a director and producer's perspective. I did Drowning because I didn't want to be like everyone else who complains they can't ever get their project complete due to some BS, and I didn't want to be the guy telling everyone I have this scrīpt that's about to strike gold; I believe in creating my own luck. I don't expect some guy to walk up to me and give me a mill. to make a movie because I don't believe I deserve that. Even if someone did that, I'd tell him I'm sorry, but I can't take his offer. When I am ready, I will take that money, but now is not the time. That's the main reason I used my own money. I am not worthy of people's investments yet. I don't like to owe people or shortchange them, which is why I don't ever take out a loan or borrow money from people. When I am confident in something worthy of investment, I believe I'll get it because by then, I'll have proved myself. Let's go back to Drowning since today is almost like a 1st day of completion even though more post needs to be finished, haha, I'm just happy I can start sending out festival cuts and DVDs to friends who have been waiting for this.
Drowning... Let's see what I remember... 1st time dealing with acting/writing/producing/directing at the same time was a good way to test my limits. Enough with Drowning, all I can think of is our theme music, no more... Anyways... I am beginning to think about my future projects and what kind of films I want to make next. A similar film to 600 with more completeness is an idea that popped up recently, along with my documentary film that's already in motion. I think after these projects, I'll be truly ready to attack a real feature and do a good job with it. But as I look back into this East vs. West film philosophy and style, I think I fit the East mold more than the West due to the intensity of intimacy in my films. I love to be intimate and show the closeness of certain aspects of life. Let's put it this way: I made 600 for myself, and I made Drowning for other people. For my upcoming projects: I'm making the documentary for others, the follow up to 600 for myself. I think my training will be complete in the next year, and then it will be time for do or die; no more training wheels. Now that I have more help on my side, it will be easier for my next few films to be made and I am thankful for that. The best part of filmmaking is meeting new people, sharing our lives with each other, and working together to do something special that's never done before; that's why I love filmmaking. I can't wait to my next project and the different people I will encounter on that journey, it will be a lot of hardship and fun. After each film, you come out with not only more experience but a better idea of who you are as a person due of those experiences, and the people that influenced your life who have shared your pain and glory. I can't wait...
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