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• Re-reading my previous entry...

  Wednesday, Dec 19, 2007 6:45PM / Standard Entry / Members only
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  I just got home from a long afternoon (almost 7 hours) of wushu and quick, late dim sum dinner with friends afterwards, and logged onto AnD. I accidentally clicked on my blog posting about the Wushu World Championships, and ended up re-reading it and enjoying the photos I posted a couple weeks ago when I got back to the US. It made me happy to look back, knowing I've been somewhere this year, and done something that involved risk, and come out better for it.

  

  Fighting in Thailand in January and February came with its own package of worries, but they were easier to face head-on than those of going to China. Both have a big language barrier, but the fear of being lost, kidnapped, murdered or just plain beaten to death in the ring  in Thailand were a few, in addition to worries about what I'd contract from mosquitos that my vaccinations hadn't covered. Mostly valid fears, but mostly avoidable. As for the fighting part, you just "man-up", train hard and do it. Thailand was a lot less expensive, too. How do you go to China multiple times in a year though, when you have no money, and you're not making any while you're gone, and there are still some bills to pay at home? The fear of being destitute, of going without, of losing our hard earned credit ratings, etc etc... are valid. You need good credit to buy a house or new car or extended credit line with your carrier. I'm young and have no mortgage though, so fuck it. Besides, right now having a mortgage sucks worse than not having one.

   

  In my case, I just left. Packed and got on the plane. Went and trained. I'll deal with it when I get back. I'd never done that, though I've always lived by the maxim, "Go Big or Go Home". Time to live up to the bumper sticker. Besides- you should do those things in life that scare you. They usually end up not being as scary as you thought, or not in the same way, or not until you look back and realize, "Oh my god, how the hell did I get through that? I should've been killed or lost?!" You grow as a person each time you face a fear- like a plant with a new flower. Jump out of planes (with parachutes), bungee jump, ask the cute boy/girl at the coffeeshop out, order a dish you've never had, drink your coffee black, spin the globe, pick a place and go. The parachute opnly works if you jump, and you'd be suprised how often that cute boy/girl at the coffeeshop says, "Yes, I'd love to have coffee somewhere else with you..."

  I'm coming home to bills that need paying, credit that's not nearly as good as it was a year ago when I left, a bank account that's considerably less than even two months ago, a new, stressful job, a house literally in shambles from a water leak that destroyed two stories of the north wall in the San Jose quake in November, and a myriad of other issues like a slipping transmission in my [really really old] SUV...

  That said, I don't care. Well, I do, but not the way I would have a year ago. I've gladly traveled beyond comfort too many times to take it seriously. In Thailand I was ravaged by hundreds of bug bites, slept in terrible facilities in the cities and jungles, ate dishes I care not to know from whence the meat came, made friends with nice and no-so-nice people from all over the world, survived bouts in the ring with Thai boxers, and came through a bout of staph aureus that swept like wildfire through our training camp in Phuket that left many, many people in the hostpital under intense medical care and quarantine. I made last minute and stand-by flights on tightly run schedules that I coordinated literally as they were happening, and got to Beijing in time to ring in the Spring Festival...

  

  I can handle the bills if I work hard and spend wisely- it's just money. My credit will take time to get better again, but it's not terminal... the house is set to be back together by the western new year, and I can get a new transmission somewhere if mine totally fails. What I can't handle is living a life of mediocrity- not gorwing, reaching, striving every day to be better. The marriage of adventure and and open heart make you able to take on anything and not only just "get through", but thrive in adverse conditions, especially with loved ones all around you- parents, siblings, coaches, friends and lovers. You learn to use that difficulty to grow spiritually- take a roadblock and jump up on it to see farther you did before. That zeal, combined with a practice as physical and spiritual as something like wushu changes you in ways you don't understand until you look back at yourself, and go through old photos, and wonder how *why* you did it, and thank god you did. I push myself in each and every class- when I'm teaching the beginning and intermediate class I give them everything and hope they understand that. When we're training with our group, I push hard- condition hard, observe inensely and intelligently, and learn everything I can from our coach so that I am always improving. I don't ever want to come back from a class thinking, "Boy, I was mediocre." I don't ever want to wonder what that trip would've been like if I'd gone instead of killing myself for a few hundred extra dollars of working here... If I'd decided to stay and make the four thousand dollars I probably would've if I hadn't left in October, I never would've stood in front of the Bruce Lee statue in Kowloon that I've wanted to see for years, or gone to the top Hong Kong with Mark to look out across the city, and ridden a Turbo Ferry to Macau to see the hotels and Qing dynasty artifacts, or hung out with Zhao Qing Jian and Jet Li or practiced sanda with Chin Siu Ho...

  My mom started martial arts this year- qi gong and aikido. She's a 55 year old nurse with a bad shoulder and arthritis in her hands who never thought of being a martial artist until I told her I wanted her to practive taiji to help the pain in her hands. Now she practices in her living room at home. My dad lifts weights everyday and is stronger than he was as a defensive lineman in college- he looks like a 30-something bodybuilder. You'd never know that his elbow was trashed from decades of carrying heavy paint buckets all day long as a painting contractor, and his back hurts every day from a teenage driver rear-ending him in his truck years ago. My sister started pole dancing last year after becoming heavier than she wanted to be, and has become a fantastic athlete and performer. Her participation in the pole performance community has even led to her founding her own company doing costume design, which is what she went to college for in the first place- full circle. My younger brother is one of the best MMA fighters I know, and an incredible athlete and person- one of the most loving people I've ever known. Each of them somewhat timidly approached the idea of doing something they thought they might like, dipped a toe in the water, and then jumped in and never looked back. None of them are looking for fame or fortune in what they do- just the love of the play. It's not any easier for them to do what they do than for anyone else, but if they hadn't overcome the fear of injury or humiliation ("I'm too old", "I'm too fat","I'm too small","I'm too broke"), none of them would've discovered how much they can love something new and how much of themselves they would find in a place they hadn't thought of looking.

  Point being- it was nice to look back again and see what a difference a year can make. What a difference wushu and a loving coach can make to see yourself as you never did before. 2007 has been a killer year. In 2008 I think I'll go skydiving because the idea of flinging myself out of a plane scares the shit out of me.

  Jiayo...

  

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