oh... acting like some kind of victim

this is going haywired but im not affected by it.


being guilty of sending those smses to me and afraid of me showing that to dad and mum. saying im such a backstabber? why afraid? if you meant nothing at all in the first place? come on, dont act like as if you are right when you are so damn bloody wrong.


acting fillial? i dun have to. its meant to be.. WHO PROMISE TO KEEP MUM ACCOMPANY AT HOME WHILE IM OUT FOR A NIGHT OUTING? AND ENDED UP GOING OUT FOR MOVIES WITH FRIENDS. NOT EVEN BOTHERED TO THINK THAT DAD IS STILL OUT MAHJONGING NEEDING SOMEONE TO FETCH! AND LEAVING MUM HOME ALONE HIDING IN THE ROOM! FARKER!


i had been home with hubby to keep mum accompany all THESE while. and i didnt complain at all. blame on who! ass. go on your blog typing all these rubbish trying to act like a victim and show all the cousins in brunei? please la. one way to gain pity? omg .. trying to gain pity on kids. any other better choices?


i dont even bother if i will be in good terms with all the cousins.. cos in the end its all on our own ways. treating cousins more like same blooded sisters rather than me...


i accused her... asked herself then if ALL i had said was the FACT or was it something i LIE about. i dont have to accuse. everyone in this family has got eyes to see.


no point dad telling me all those in the sms-es. this is no longer about kinship between us in the family. she never treated me like her own sister, when i always spare a thought for her. whenever i go out. i will try to buy things home for her. dont she remember the times i looked after her without complains?


did she really remember it??? did she even put that in her heart? NO!


i was watching sister's keeper last night online. at first i thought the younger sister was so heartless. she dont even wanted to save her elder sister whose kidney is of 0 working power.


the younger sister is only 11yrs old . she dont have the rights to make decisions on any operations, parents are the ones deciding it. therefore she went to look for a lawyer herself and wanted to sue her parents.


and yes i thought she was so FARKING heartless not wanting to save her sister. but i was wrong. when the older sister kate knew she was sick. knew things are getting worse. she threw her temper as and when. but the younger sister will never abandon her. and eventually stay by kate's side.


and walk down till then. everyday she is looking ater kate. feeding. cleaning her up, keeping an eye on kate. everything! and the judge did ask the little sister, if she was sick n tired of looking after kate. she said no. becos thats her sister. she loved her. always love her.


then... till the end... the brother couldnt take it anymore. kate was in the hospital dying. while the family is in court fighting over the rights...


finally.. truth is out. actually kate was the one who asked the 2 of them to go against the will of going for operation. kate wanted to die. she had walked on too long. she is tired. and she is all ready to go.

the mother couldnt believe. but what to do. its the fact. in the end... kate left this world peacefully. the family had to carry on.


the sister's love is nothing to be compared. and thoughts ran into my mind. thinking back the times i spend my whole time and energy to look after her. but in the end... wat did i get.. nothing but trying to accuse me all the way for saying im backstabbing her.. WHY MUST I DO THAT!


if i really hate her.. i will not lay my tears on what she said. i will not lay my tears everyday when i see her in bed. bleeding in her nose, her mouth. she cant eat. i accompany her for all her check ups. i check on her every once in a while.


mum and i took the turns to look after her. even when i know i have to work. sales line is 10times energy using than any other normal office clerk do.


i walked into the music scene she never supported me. she always look down on me. but on the other way round. whatever she wants to do. i just supported her and let her do it.


why? if i talk against her she get pissed. and started the quarrels.. wat is the point?i dont like quarrels ever since my relatives passed away. SHE thinks that we are all happy all squeezing in mum's room to have dinner...did she ever thought that my guy n i will be home for dinner? and thats our habit.


no... her friends n herself.. happily eating. like WOW.. yes finishing up all the food. damn you!


mum was alone in her room. she looked pale. she was hungry. who cares?


i did not purposely show my care and concern for mum or dad. i do all these cos mum is not feeling good anymore. she is utterly sad that every night. dad is out for mahjong. she is hidding in her room if not out for whatever shit if not mahjong at home.. who ever talks to mum heart to heart.


its only when my guy started all the talks and i tried to work things out for mum to make her feel better. everyone will definitely know how it feels like being lonely at night knowing you have everyone in the family but its all empty. no one to talk to.


she cant keep up with what we daughters are doing. she cant talk heart to heart to us. due to all our tempers. so what if she is those rushing kind. she is still our mother. we might whinning over it. but so? matter is over. we dont remember it.


we dont have to say such harsh words at all. ask herself. if her words WERE RIGHT in the first place. ask herself if she WAS right in the first place. DID she made a MISTAKE in the first place?


LISTEN TO YOUR HEART and ASK YOURSELF ABT IT!


GO ON~ didnt know that dad's case is a serious one. dad cant be upset or angry or stress anymore. he can get stroke anytime.


knowing nothing thinking that things are not serious. ENJOY UR FARKING LIFE instead! wait till dad and mum dies. i do not want to see tat farking crying face. its no time to regret or to be guilty for anything anymore.


dun force her to the brim. wat can she do? kill me? go ahead. she never liked me this sister in the first place. saying things that are wrong. she never listens to mum's heart. mum told me what she said in the smses.

and mum said she was utterly depressed over it. BECOS she will imagine that her own flesh and blood will say such a thing.


i say her INHUMAN i am RIGHT. i did nth wrong. for so long did i ever push in to quarrel on.. dad always asked me to give in to her. why... cos he said... my sister's temper is like tat.. why not i give it.. then quarrels will stop. ya.. dad always say that.


and wat can i do.. i always give in.. did i ever say mum n dad bias again? no i didnt. cos dad n mum clarify everything with me before. and many people talk things out with me. jalaine, my guy, sheena , karen and some others i dun wanna mention names. for private sake.


and i stand on my parents point of view. did we treat her bad? did my guy treat her like an outsider before? we didnt. even when we are buying things for dad and mum. hubby will always ask me.. wanna get it for your sister? everyone thinks for her. but did she think for anyone?


i tried to give in in all ways.. she wanna meet whoever. ok.. i get my guy to intro. she wanna go where.. ask me tag along.. out of 10times how many times did i say no? ask herself. how many times did i reject her? ask herself once again.


whenever she has got no money who gave her the money. i dont have much money left.. but i still gave it to her. she needs it. ok fine. i dont complain over it.


i never stab her at all.. i dont go behind her back telling stories... everything had been found out by dad n mum themselves.. how they find it out.. u cant ask me.. how the hell would i know..somethings i kept it private i dont say it.. but dad and mum still finds out and still question me over it..

but did i confront her and say hey u bitch u must be the one telling dad n mum. i know i did it. so? i just have to admit it. no point denying it will eventually hurt my loved ones.


i officially cut ties with her.. not becos i hate her. its becos.. i find it no point staying as kins when i know i will be taken for granted in the end. my guy will be taken for granted in the end.


i rather not having any kins attending my wedding the next time round. i rather not having any kins by my side in future to help me if i have problems in the future.


the more people gathers in. the more troubles will come out. i chose to stay away. i dont like things going complicated.

had she put herself in any of the family members' shoes.. no she didnt. i dont do things for nothing. i do it for a reason. a good reason.


i dont make music for nothing.. i make music.. yes.. i do want to get famous.. i want my band's EP to sell.. to earn! i wanna go everywhere to perform at this age to achieve something at least to make dad n mum proud while they are still around.


i did nth to make them proud at all all these years... since the day i was born.. i didnt do anything to make them really happy. i only make them upset, angry disappointed. i know it all.


and i didnt step back into that path now.. i wanna make things better. i want this family to really be like one family. but i was wrong.


dad tried his best but again he knew he cant do it on his own.

i shall end here...

she chose to hate. and not to love and forget.  then thats it..


be it in the end dad n mum forgives her... give her a warm hug love her again. and im out of this circle.. im ok. im used to it.


going for kiang's concert later.. hopefully can come home before mum sleeps.


since event is going to end at 9pm. sighs... going to see lots of people tonight. ngak, clement, ken and all, i dont know if jim and alll will be there but 100 over tixs... all are from people in G77.. so... i guess i will have to smile REALLY big and talk really alot tonight.


even if i know my mood isnt that well afterall.. but thanks to hubby by my side to make mum n dad happy. thanks. spending the money time and energy on this family... love you.



gones