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• my four seasons..

  Tuesday, Nov 3, 2009 2:41AM / Standard Entry

  had been really screwed last whole week. was so in a mess and at last dropped dead in the end..
  
  i couldnt attend my band's jamming, i couldnt get my bass solo done.
  
  i couldnt get the SCIM closing gig at Homeclub for 2009 Design done.
  
  i couldnt get the work in office done perfectly.. almost there.
  
  i couldnt have enough rest and time for myself, therefore im hay wired.
  
  i couldnt control my temper even till now.. and everyone around me is suffering. forgive me pls..
  
  
  sheena got the vocals recorded on time. although its really very very last minute. BUt, its better than never be done. it wasnt that well done but at least there is something there. there will be more changes to be made and of cos sheena will have to practice really hard on her vocals.
  
  
  got the materials for the scim gig ready, just have to complete the design by this week and then i can get it printed before my relatives come to singapore next weekend. >.< my room......
  
  
  my bass solo will be ready before jamming on this wednesday. again yes. the full band is back. have no intention of getting a 5th member just yet. since we dont have the intention to gig for time being till we get all our 5 tracks done perfectly and in for recording... :)
  
  
  im so ready! and yes! my killer still hanging in G77... not SOLD.. therefore.. im considering to bring it back on wed... shall not bring my bass down.. shall use my white princess for jamming and then bring it back.
  
  
  i think i still love my 2 princesses.. afterall.. :) i still need them with me even if they are gone case or not friendly using.
  
  really heavy storm throughout the weekends and got me really panicking in the middle of the night while hubby was soundly alseep. sometimes being a human with knowledges is wrong. when you get to know so many stuff and all trapped in your mind.
  
  and that is when i started having really funny thoughts. storms link to floods link to typhoon link to earthquakes or even tsunamis...
  
  
  was reading some articles on end of the world.. some said 2060 some said 2040 some said 2012 and some even said.. from 2025 to 2060 is the start and end of the destroy of this earth and we will be living in mars by then.. blah blah.
  
  saying stones will start floating, japan, thailand, or wherever will disappear as water will cover up them all, some said we will be living in north pole one of the icy layers whereby humans will be safe there during the end of the world..
  
  and even said that the earth is moving out of the rotating lines of the 9 planets... and thats why we are so close to the end of the world we will all die of diseases or wars rather than natural disasters.
  
  SEE! proven! why do i have to be so itchy hand and eyes to search on such things! ridiculous!
  
  anyways, things turn bad in G77 on friday night. or saturday night? ok.. one of the nights. the part timer hubby got who worked for him pretty long already. YES was also the sessionist for my band in the latest homeclub gig in OCT.
  
  JONATHAN. after all these years i've cool down not hating people at all. this is the 1ST person i got so pissed after all these silent years.
  
  
  the regular big cilent of the studio. is a church band. so for rules and regulations for a JAMMING STUDIO. we all know. if the owner of the studio let the band in LATE, the band will be able to jam slighty longer.
  
  therefore, if doors are only open at 745pm, for a 2hrs 30mins jamming. your door should only close at 10 15pm.. BUT this fella is very daring enough, he went into the studio to call the band to pack up at only 10 08pm.
  
  and he THREATEN the band if they dont stop on the spot he will switch off all lights and lock them up. AND the studio is only locked and unlock-able from outside.
  
  therefore, when the band mention they agreed to pack up on the spot, this fella didnt bothered and just switched off the lights and locked the band inside. the band consist of 20people. the worst thing is, he can eventually WALK back into the shop and told one of the bosses that, " hey, i lock them up in the studio" and also in a very attitude way..
  
  
  this fella didnt drink while the bosses were. the boss quickly went to the studio and unlock them. AND was the boss who apologised on that fella's behalf. and YET, that fella cant be bothered, he stayed in the shop and just went home after that.
  
  i knew hubby will be worried sick over his studio plus the band left their stuff in the studio and the boss didnt know so he locked it up after the band got out. and went home. so both of us went down to the studio.
  
  let the band take their stuff and had a small talk over this issue. they made a police report on it and from the way i see them, they are all matured adults, mothers with kids and all. so therefore i believe they will not lie to us about the incident. and we are very sure is jonathan who started it. it has not been the first time bands complained about this attitude. and especially the church band. jonathan treated them like animals.
  
  and what the hell! i was so pissed. eventually i clear up the room with hubby till its really neat and tidy and then we went off.
  
  the next day, jonathan reached the shop, clement and hubby started bombing him and SACK him. that jonathan can eventually say.. "report police so what, come la!" wow... hero of the day? sorry NO.. he is just a sucker for the day. he had done such wrong things creating such a mess out of it.. and yet showing those attitudes...
  
  i smsed him and scolded him. BUT i did not use any harsh words. i eventually told him off..and he thought police reports are nothing. the fact he was wrong.
  
  and today, monday afternoon. he went down to the shop again, giving back the keys and say.. he QUIT omg!!! didnt he heard that on SUNDAY afternoon, G77 HAD already SACK him?
  
  trying to show off or something, the boss who unlock the doors that night was at the shop too. they were all busy clearing up the old shop AND the boss asked jonathan to helped END UP he said.. "no..CANNOT" in a very attitude way.
  
  WHAT IS THIS! om so freaked out by it. he better dont turn up on wednesday, im sure i will teach him a VERY good lesson. dont try to test my patience. he had enough of the job? he cant tahan anymore? WAT DID THE SHOP DO TO HIM!!!!
  
  the bosses in the shop had never scolded him or blamed him on ANY ANY MISTAKES HE MADE. AND now he says he cant stand this job anymore. he DO NOT HAVE any fix time to work. HE DONT HAVE TO REPORT ON TIME OR EVEN EVERYDAY. he can choose to work or dont. if i have this kind of job and i earn tat much, im willing to.
  
  
  now my boy eden is going to help out hubby at the studio. hope things work out. as eden is very in need of money i dont know why. maybe saving up for effects or guitars.
  
  
  had removed the bling blings on my hp and it has got STAIN! >.< the dyes from the blings stained onto my hp.. and its no longer WHITE and has got LOTS of scars.. im pissed! SUPER PISSED! STARHUB PLEASE TAKE IN PANASONIC FLIP PHONES AGAIN! I BEG YOU!!!~~
  
  AH!!~~~~~~~ ok... nvm.. i've replaced it with my leopard prints. and im in a messed but at last its done but NOT very well done. just have to keep it there till i find something new to do on my hp.. im going to FAINT~
  
  i need a new hp. and i realised, i dont mind touch screen now. thanks to hubby.. his omina interested me.. WAAHAHAHA~
  
  then, i was surfing for new albums to listen to while blogging over here.. and guess wat... i found my KAGRRA EVER AGAIN!!! OMG!!
  
  finally they are out with new albums and singles. omg omg ~~~~ isshi is still as pretty but i think he had grown abit fatter now.. >.<
  
  my nao is still the BEST bass god!! *drools* his basslines never let me down! i've got like inspirations from him now~~ WHOOOO~~
  
  and SHIN! omg..he was like playing the gu zhen in the pv of shiki and the live in japan for utakata.. OMG~~~ so godly!!!
  
  why didnt i take up chinese orchestra when i was younger.. DAMN so that i can play bass and gu zhen now... piangs~~~ best!!!
  
  maybe sheena can start taking back her guzhen since she learnt it before... :)
  
  and we dont have to get a 5th member!!!!!! WHOOOOO loves!!~~~
  
  im drowning in Kagrra nah!! but one bad thing is i never get to see them LIVE! i dont care. im going to choose the dates for next year japan trip! shall aim well whereby kagrra will have their lives on tokyo! YES! aim well! SHOOT!
  
  
  they are the japanese visual band that makes a different kind of music. they are so very different from any other visual or jrock bands! includes the japanese traditional music influences. *relax*
  
  
  it maybe noisy at times BUT its so relaxed!! i will not feel stressed or headache when im listening to it. and i can listen to if again n again n again!!!! :D
  
  
  Kagrra PLEASE COME TO SINGAPORE! I NEED YOU GUYS SO BADLY!!!! MY MEDICINE FOR MUSIC MAKING!!!~~~
  
  
  *DROOLS*
  
  
  hubby dun get jealous huh.. you know Kagrra and speed were always my top favourite when it comes to music... hehe.. :)
  
  the most we go see Kagrra together next year nah!!~~~ *chu*
  
  
  shall end here.. i got to wake up early tml to finish up all the designs so that wednesday i can go down to the office before jamming to print them all out.... :)
  
  
  and got to start doing bl@ck Canary's new band poster... can think of a cover for the EP as well.. whooo.... :)
  
  
  
  END HERE!~
  
  
  
  

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• *sigh*

  Tuesday, Oct 27, 2009 11:21PM / Standard Entry

  im so freaking tired... and i think my brain isnt working anymore... BUT.. i still have to carry on with the band stuff...
  
  
  1st.. sheena still cant turn up for the band jamming. and currently i have to work on 2 positions in the band now.
  
  2nd. i still have to carry on finding some good talents to put into my band. eden is graduating from poly. and he will be entering the army real soon.
  
  3rd. i have to make sure the band can create as many songs as possible and release an EP asap before eden goes into NS.
  
  4th. i have yet to come out with any bassline for the 3rd original's later part of the song. and im so brain dead now. and tml is the jamming.
  
  i think i really have problems managing the band and my work and my personal life. i think i cant cope afterall.
  
  mum and dad are away from Singapore. they will only resume their work on friday. and currently im the one in the office doing ALL the editings on PC. yes... from 9am to 6pm..
  
  more and more emails are coming in. and from time to time dad will call me and tell me about the latest emails and documents coming in.. even the ones that will come in the next day.
  
  and all the date lines are on this friday. and i MUST finish them up. i've got no time to practice, to rest, to even eat or sleep.
  
  i only had my lunch at 5 30pm and left another half of it for my dinner which is at 8pm. i hardly get off the chair to take a break. eventually i only could take a break when i go to the toilet or my sister using the pc for some other work purposes.
  
  while my mind is like.. oh..  my band this and that. is mum and dad fine overseas, how shall i do my bassline, how to get my office work done faster. this and that..........
  
  its driving me crazy!! im farking stressed out actually.
  
  i was hoping the smses and calls that comes in isnt dad or mum during office hours. cos it will definitely be about work work work...
  
  i dont have time to even get onto msn, facebook and blah blah during these working days... im so totally in my own world.
  
  i just realised, ever since october starts.. i was busy from day 1 till now... even till the end of oct.
  
  what the fark! and from november onwards i will get even busier and lesser personal space. relatives coming to sg.. my room will be their use.. and i think i will have ALOT of problem doing the originals.
  
  mum wants me to go down to the office more to help dad with all the PC documents.. i will but im thinking how do i plan everything so that they dun clash.
  
  i still have to think about the nights.. i have to make sure i get home earlier to accompany mum as dad n sis will always be out at night.
  
  i finally FULLY understand dad's position now. lucky im not taking my pre-advance japanese classes now. if not im very very very sure i will get this REAL bad temper.. pushing everyone away. i will cancel all jammings if one dun turn up be it wat problem.. i wont care... or originals not done and just wanna fool around in the studio..
  
  or anyone being late... all and all.. if all these add up... not other who will die out of it.. but myself...
  
  
  i didnt contact my very own bf the whole day.. i woke up... early off to work and he was still sleeping.. no smses.. no calls.. nothing... get home... just sis and i... i stare at the tv.. smoke.. then bath and then back to my room to do all my stuff... then sleep...
  
  NOTHING... it was so dead! i guess i have to start sms-ing people THEN... people will get back to me...
  
  then thats when i will feel im alive. i guess im getting really distant from everyone. i can only focus on staying by mum's side, doing my originals, finding talents, solving band's problem, worrying over dad's injury, brainstorming on all the posters, videos, photos.wtf! can someone just share my loads!
  
  i used to take things for granted when i was younger.. and i think this is retribution now.. i have more loads than what i was supposed to have.
  
  *claps* i used to be that vain.. i must make sure i make up to work and all. even if i just stay in the shop. but now... HA! no make up.. i just draw my eyebrown, straighten my hair.. wear my specs and off to work...
  
  TOTALLY NOT ME! but wat can i do! thats the only way i can save my skin from out breaks. imagine..i dun even have time to DRINK a sip of water. i can leave my food there for hours... i can eat n work at the same time. i dun even stand up just to take a small break.. afraid i cant complete it within a DAY..
  
  ah.. crap.. getting back to original... if not i dont have to sleep anymore... damn.. i only have got like 4 to 5hrs slp per day now...
  
  
  end....
  
  
  
  
  

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• this weekend..

  Monday, Oct 19, 2009 12:54AM / Standard Entry

  blogging again, sudden emotions running through and its a good time for lyrics?
  
  but i doubt i will write one that fits into the upcoming original. therefore i decided not to write any..
  
  
  2 nights without him with me. somehow i feel lost but on the other hand, it maybe a good thing i guess.
  
  
  i thought i was really happy for these past 2 days... a public holiday on saturday and an usual family outing on a sunday afternoon.
  
  
  mum seem pissed since yesterday. i've no idea what happen. i myself wasnt in a good mood anyways.
  
  but i still act like as if im so damn happy, to cheer everyone up in the family. i guess mum is angry about dad going off for mahjong so often nowadays and even a public holiday he would choose to go for mahjong in the afternoon. he is spending lesser and lesser time with us now to be true.
  
  
  its normal? i think. but i still prefer those days. happy a family to go out together. but reality just kept bitting on me. knowing dad isnt that healthy anymore. knowing mum is really feeling lonely almost every night. knowing my sister isnt trying to work but yet she treats me so well nowadays.
  
  
  i just kept thinking on the negative side. its so hard to imagine. in exhausted. who can i face this side of me.. how can i let it all out.. i pressing down too much. i really feel like bursting. just like a balloon filled with too much air and its going to explode.
  
  
  questions and questions. how many more questions do i have to answer. how many problems do i have to face. how much more future can i see. how much time do i have to succeed.
  
  
  i'm trying so hard to hold on to everyone and everything. but i seem to be unable to do that anymore. my hands are too small and weak.
  
  
  yesterday, saturday, 17th oct 2009.
  
  off to suntec city for the holiday fare. finally got the bookings ready for dec. genting trip. going off on 11th dec evening. and back at night on 14th dec.
  
  
  then move on to have dinner. then back home. i was accompanying mum alone in the living room all the way till she is back to her room to rest.
  
  
  then i move on with doing my things. thats when i start to get exhausted but i cant just stop there. only able to finish all the stuff at 5am in the morning.
  
  
  and off to bed. suppose to wake up at 10am to do some posters sketches before going out in the afternoon with my family. but i failed to do so..
  
  
  so i woke up at 1pm. mum and dad in the living room. knowing dad wants to get himself a laptop fan padding for his laptop.
  
  
  so he decided to go compass point in sengkang. mum was pissed saying that we 2 ladies take too long to prepare.
  
  
  she was pissed. so in order to please her. straight away im off to the bathroom. wanted to do some work before going out. but... sigh..
  
  
  but eventually after telling sister what is the situation . she chose to take her own sweet time. but mum wasnt REALLY pissed.
  
  
  but still pissed. then move on to compass point. dad getting his working pants and a pair of levis signature jeans.
  
  
  he tried his best to cheer mum up. and dad look really shag. mahjong is his only leisure now. i dont know if we should control him to cheer mum up OR to talk to mum about this situations.
  
  
  all i know is im worried for dad's health. and im concern about mum's depression over this situation. WHAT CAN I DO! for god sake! i cant think of any but just keep close to both of them.. trying to be a good girl.
  
  
  even if i have got any problem facing with whoever. i didnt mention at all.. i dont bring it out in front of them. but im so lost.
  
  
  how i wish i could sleep forever and never wake up.
  
  
  ok.. then mum and sis walk off while i accompany dad to buy his laptop fan. eventually im doing an exchange with dad.
  
  
  promise dad to buy him the external hard disk for his work. im very sure he will be so fickle minded. i dont know.
  
  
  then... while im queuing up for the payment. dad walk off to see some blue ray's dvd player and plasma tv.
  
  
  so in the end.. dad bought a 50 inch plasma tv, of cos an older model, on display set with full HD only at $1999. compared to the current one. not full HD. and its 42inch only. BUT direct import from germany. one and only piece. cost dad $5999 few years back.
  
  
  and now ... the movement is.. the current one will be moved into master bedroom.. and the room's LCD tv will be given to my cousin.
  
  
  dad bought a blue ray dvd player. he was so damn happy. and sister intend to get a semi-professional camera. and to solve her current camera's problem.
  
  
  i told dad that i will take that camera for my gig photos. knowing that its weaker than mum's camera. but.. its ok.. nvm..
  
  
  then move on to get some food then off we are home. im glad for a moment of time because my sister, who won quite a sum in her mahjong for the past 2 days. bought me my kanebo coffert d'or eyeshadow. its $54. and she just said. you like it. take it.. i buy it for u.
  
  
  yes... im touched. i had been always wanting it. but somehow i didnt get to buy it.
  
  
  then, saw something that caught my eye.
  
  
  its a beauty product sold at best denki. its meant for pores cleansing. its nice and seems good. now only $66. but then again. i just walk off.
  
  i wonder if panasonic beauty product is good. but somehow it seems like a good buy. will see how. somehow the one i bought online from taiwan. yes a cheapo goes on battery. its spoiled. i wonder why.
  
  
  so off it goes my good condition skin. hais. nvm..
  
  
  back home. dad rushed off  for mahjong. sister then went out. left mum n i at home. the same thing.. i accompany her till she is back to her room. then now im back in my room.. trying to work but i prefer to blog first.
  
  
  tomorrow is my 5th month anniversary with him. time flies i guess.. its already 5 months. and im turning 22 in another 4months.. he is still outside with his friends drinking talking chilling.
  
  
  i do miss him. thinking. these are the times whereby he can really chill and talk to his friends.. those kind of men's talk.
  
  
  a person with freedom is always so much better than someone being kept in a cage i guess.
  
  
  something in my heart seems really uneasy but i cant describe it. maybe i show just ignore it. and focus on my work..
  
  
  shall end blogging here...
  
  
  upload some photos... for the sake of making this entry a bit more interesting...
  
  
  this babe was so bored and nervous therefore she call her mum and talk to her.. =_="
  i tot it should be boyfriend most of the time??
  
  
  
  this was her hairstyle for the gig on thurs. done by me. and she loves it so much.
  cos for 18yrs of her life. she didnt see so "much" hair of hers!
  
  
  very satisfied vocalist..*thumbs up*
  
  
  
  and this is how plain my hair is... bassist is always at the back of the stage. so it doesnt really matter.. again i was too bored and demoralised. therefore i started camwhoring.. to keep myself awake.
  
  
  here are the stuff i bought today.. very satisfied. thanks to my sister for this nice gift. for... halloween! :D
  
  
  this is the pore cleanser i saw at best denki.. so itchy for it.. but too bad.. im too poor...
  any kind souls? watever... ignore me please... :)
  
  
  end....
  
  
  

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• merry xmas mr. lawrence..

  Sunday, Oct 11, 2009 1:09AM / Standard Entry

  back to blogging after so so so so so so long.
  
  
  had been trying to solve my band's problem and as well, was trying to work on a new song.
  
  
  as well, i'm enjoying my time with my loved ones like, my hubby and my family.
  
  too many things in my family came by and got me really low on morale.
  
  
  dad's arm is still numb and pain every night. he do not have the time to go for a specialist to get his bones back in place.
  
  the bones in the neck and shoulder is out of place, pressing on the Nerves causing the numbness in his arm. and pain in his back and shoulders.
  
  doctor advised dad to go for an operation for the best recovery in the shortest time. eventually dad wouldnt want to go for it. who would want to go under the knifes?
  
  dad is no longer that strong tough young guy. of course, looking at his aging face, his small and weak shadow reflecting on the ground. they are getting older and older each day.
  
  but i dont know what i could do. eventually my sister is still enjoying her carefree life. not working but just playing mahjong almost everyday, shopping, ktv-ing, drinking, going overseas with friends.
  
  she dont like working. she doesnt wants to work. and she felt that dad can be feeding her till the day she is married or even after she gets married. dad seems like her life time atm.
  
  im pissed with what she did or said. but what can i do? i cant scold her. even so, she dont feel a thing about it. i dont understand, with her almost 24yrs old. why isnt she thinking right yet?
  
  its not a matter of having a mr. right or not. even if one do not have a mr.right by her side, that doesnt mean she has to be so dependent to the family. and not saying the mr.right will then hold on to her burden.
  
  no. its totally a wrong thinking. in a relationship, still the ladies have to give in abit. contribute to it. not all depending on the guys. and of course every girl would hope for such to happen. but come to think of it. would u rather spend all your partner's money now and be poor after marriage or be independent, allowing your partner to save up more money for the wedding, for the marriage, for the little family you will have in future and enjoy a comfy life in future?
  
  
  nothing is perfect in this world. i may have a very nice partner whom i can spend with the rest of my life. but i may not be like a princess anymore in future. i cant sit down and relax.. going overseas every yr end like how i am now.
  
  by then i maybe a mother of 2 kids? or even 1.. i will be the one handling all the jobs of what my maid is doing now. and holding on to the stress and pressure my mum has all her life.
  
  bu im glad. dad n mum did love me like how they love sister. if not, by now this family will not be living in a condo anymore. i wont be playing a bass. i wont be jamming with my band. and i wont be able to meet my guy now.
  
  dad was the angel when i was younger and mum was always the devil. but everything balance up if you look into it in a positive way. i remember all the tough times i had when i was younger.
  
  12 books in a row for tuition homework. to be completed within days before the next tuition. i dont have time to enjoy my childhood.. im always covered up by books.
  
  i've got myself tuitions since the age of 5yrs old. and i only stopped tuition at the age of 18yrs old. just before i enter ITE.
  
  but eventually i didnt make it to the top like university. getting into a law course i always wanted to be since young. eventually i became a higher nitec accounts student who dont even intend to work in the accounts line. and i became someone who loved music so much. i gave up my life for music.
  
  and of course i got what i wanted. japanese course. i made my way to a jlpt 3 level . but then again. dad and mum hope that i can make it to the top. which is a jlpt 1 level. and its the hardest. whereby, i will be able to speak totally like a japanese. and be a japanese.
  
  of course, im still considering it. its not easy anyways.
  
  
  dad intend to fulfill my wish of visiting japan next yr end. i wonder if i should agree to it or say no to it. its alot of money going there. somehow. i think dad do not have much left if to visit japan like that with the whole family. the stays, the flights, the expenses, the transportations, the tips.. it will add up to at least 10,000 minimum.
  
  well, will see how it goes.
  
  
  comes to my band. eventually, of what we thought, we finally got ourselves the 5th member for sure. its again. leaving.
  
  im disappointed? of cos i am. the band is back to square one. we can only stay as a 4 piece and work on originals and get an EP out by next year june before my darling gayboy enters army.
  
  of cos mean time, i will be looking out for potential lead guitarist and try it out as and when. and hopefully we can get a finalised one really soon. i really hate seeing people come and go in my band.
  
  its just like they are just trying to make use of my band to enjoy gigging, enjoy making originals, enjoy jamming.
  
  
  I NEED SERIOUS PEOPLE FOR GOD SAKE!
  
  
  of cos the upcoming gig, on 15th oct 2009. will be the 1st and last gig for that lead guitarist of ours. maybe my words got him pissed and made him wants to leave.
  
  but of cos if u cant take my harsh words of confrontations. then im sorry even if u wanna stay and not make a change. i will not allow that. thats for sure. i dont want anyone to throw my band's face or even my face on stage. and waste my members' time.
  
  if to say im hard to work with people. then why not say that some people are just not yet open up to face harsh people and harsh reality.
  
  i've been through so much that i myself cant even imagine it. or maybe nowadays the younger ones cant handle the society or under estimated the society pressure and stress released. it much more than how much they can take.
  
  but this is reality. i used to be that little one with big ego. with attitude problems, with my own style in a band. with a bad temper. but what did i get in the end. i only got myself being insulted, outcasted, being stabbed by my own band members, having myself no where to go to even stand to even play.
  
  that was when i stood up and try again. eventually it still failed. but it was a good closing for my band labyrinths. and of cos another bad turn out for Reine. and i made a come back for this band.. and name it black canary. till now. i believe in black canary. i believe this is the band that is going to make me be proud of it. make me have hope and faith in it..
  
  
  it didnt let me down after turning 8months old. but of cos we can only maintain it a 4piece. this is fate i think.
  
  i again, under estimated this fate of mine. and got me really low morale not being able to have this mood for the up coming gig.
  
  no longer wanting a 5th member who can play on guitars so well as if god like! no more..   its fine. as long as this 5th member can commit, can play, willing to work hard, can communicate with us, know how to lay his/her own status down. its all fine. really.
  
  
  sometimes, i should just remove some of my expectations. maybe it will be a good out come.
  
  
  this band don't come by easily. therefore i treasure it. i try my best to hold on to them. i just hope god will bless me. at least not letting me slip away another chance of getting on a big stage. again.
  
  
  black canary will definitely be able to step on the stage for baybeats 2010. its just 2months away to 2010. i really have to work very hard towards it. black canary is holding their hands together. waiting for the time to come.
  
  i will make sure, i make them shine like a shiny star in the sky. i believe in hard work do pay off someday.
  
  i just have to be more focus. maybe many would think that i've changed ever since being with my guy. the fact. no. i realised many people changed instead. till i dont know how to even communicate with them anymore.
  
  are they friends? or just people i will be meeting or even work with from time to time. this is killing me somehow. but im still holding it. i have to control . i have to be clear. be focus.
  
  pressure is coming to me again. stress is just around my head. sigh..
  
  end here. have to get some work done. got to turn in early. has to accompany mum to the market early in the morning tml.
  
  
  -gones-
  
  
  

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• time passes by too fast, i cant see the light.

  Tuesday, Sep 29, 2009 12:38AM / Standard Entry

  back to blog... it has been REALLY long ever since i update a single bit about my life..
  
  
  4 months with him had passed.... yes.. its 4 months.. and now we are heading into the 5th month.
  
  
  interesting yet unbelievable that i eventually can go on with a relationship for so long and im holding on so tight that i cant even breathe at times.
  
  
  in a relationship, there bound to have quarrels, arguments, cold wars, tears and broken hearts at times. i cant deny that i dont have any of those stated above so far...
  
  
  yes there are and of course we always try to patch things up less than 24hrs. but i realised, we will eventually remember all these unhappiness no matter how long after it has been.
  
  
  other than compromising in a relationship, loyalty, faithfulness, true, love, care and concern, being a listening ear, being a good shoulder to be leaned on, being there every single minute in their lives. what else do we need.
  
  
  do we consider, changing ourselves for the sake of our partners be part of a relationship??? i thought about this for a very long time. talking to my best friend, with her telling me, to love a person is to accept his/her everything. be it good or bad.
  
  
  are we sure? if we are to accept every single thing about each other, why are there quarrels? why are there break ups??? its contradicting.
  
  
  ignoring your partner's request from time to time. will it lead to the upcoming unhappiness ahead in the future. i dont know. i could and will compromise, will give in from time to time.. eventually i gave in all the time.no matter how unwillingly i was.
  
  
  but as time goes by, this giving in will stop. this compromising way will end. and its when he/she burst out in either anger or tears. begging for a place to heal in the heart of theirs.
  
  
  yes, i will not avoid any arguments or quarrels coming in the way. does that consider a person having a bad temper? i realised, no.. its just an excuse to put the blames onto each other during all the bad times. why do we bother to even do there when we all know who was wrong initially...
  
  
  sometimes i dont quite get it. yet sometimes i can feel its coming its way to me. warning me.. its time to cool things down. its time to give in again.. and quotes will start flashing out in my mind.. "come on, just give it.. it doesnt matter, he is your loved one.. you dont wanna loss him isnt it.."
  
  
  MIND is the thing that kills the relationship. i believe in, follow your heart to do something to say something. mind is what you only use when it comes to decisions making in a relationship.
  
  
  eventually many would not know how to balance them up or even use them wisely in time to come. alot of things are running through my mind today. maybe, i didnt do any self reflection for a very long time and i intend to do it today.
  
  
  eventually it became a bad day for me afterall. i couldnt get anything done AT ALL. not even La'dies' End of year Ep release, Taiwan Tour poster. not even my band's original, to write a new set of HAPPY lyrics, to send my relative's belated birthday present today, cant even practice on my bass, cant even control my emotions.
  
  
  i screw myself up today. becos of an argument this morning with him. he was upset so do i... ever since we started, i remember, the 1st month was a very hectic month for me.. my tears kept falling on me.. and i remember. that was one of the times i cried for him..
  
  
  then followed by his 32nd's birthday eve.. again i cried and in the end.. i couldnt put things down.. im worried and everyone started calling me asking me what happened.. asking me to go down to where he was. yes. and i did. i rushed down. with all the money i have got.
  
  
  having friends or loved ones to celebrate birthdays is one thing i long for... after the 13th bday. i dont remember having any party or any outings with friends to celebrate at all. i dont remember blowing candles, cutting cakes, hearing bday songs.
  
  
  even my 21st bday. i dont know if that was a regret in life or was it just something for me to remember forever. im starting to love the no. 19.
  
  19th feb 1988, is when i was born.
  19th may 2009, is when i got him with me.  
  
  yes, im happy. fortunate. cos i know my 22nd birthday, there will be someone with me to celebrate for me. therefore, i try my very best to maintain this relationship. as much as i could. but i realised, sometimes im choking. i couldnt say much of it. cos i know it will definitely affect him.
  
  
  i lost touch with all my best friends. i wonder if i did wrong in this. i only keep in touch with my bandmates, the people in guitar77 and of cos him.
  
  
  i guess i shouldnt complain at all. becos he did alot alot alot for me. of cos, im being rebellious, i didnt quit smoking till now. i just changed to the lightest ciggie of all brands. thats all. i only cut down on the no. of sticks per day.
  
  
  i always said. i will be a good gf and a good wife and also a good mother in future. and that is wat i promised him. but i really dont know, what else more i should do, could do and able to do.. to be a perfect partner for him. no one tells me what i should improve on doing.
  
  
  everyone is just telling me... yes.. just quit smoking. if i do. then what about his promise to me.  he cant quit alcohol at all.. due to his work, his shop, the people he hang around, his status. how do we go about balancing this up.
  
  
  i never ever calculate this at all. i always said. i will totally stop touching ciggie when we get married. and that is what i promise.. even ROM. that is consider marriage. i will stop smoking.
  
  
  i dare not judge that the future, definitely we will get married. i remember what he used to tell me. "about the future, we only can see how it goes, i cant promise u i will stay with u forever. but i will treasure the time with u now.."
  
  
  i was so down when he mentioned that to me in the past. i wonder, if he sees this now.. will be he upset too. i dont fully understand him. he never ever tells me what is he thinking about. and im always guessing. wilds guesses till the mood has gone bad. and thats when he will start pouring out HALF of what he is thinking.
  
  
  am i a failure as a person in a relationship. i really suspect myself now. i didnt do enough for him. i didnt make him feel proud of me. as a daughter of my parents. i didnt make them feel proud too. as a musician, i failed to be an outstanding one. being a friend, i failed to be a 101% stand by me friend.
  
  
  maybe this is what i will get in exchange of my mr.right. my prayers did get to my lord. my lord grant me my wishes to everything anything. but eventually they will take away part of me which had me pushing forward even more to fulfill my dreams.
  
  
  i wanted to blog on the updates of my life but i guess it has been taken over by my thoughts.
  
  
  shall end blogging here. before my tears flood my room. do not want to get any eyes infection anymore. gig is nearby i really has to be in the best condition.
  
  
  
  -gone-
  
  
  

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