was cleaning up my room.. trying to upload some photos.. organizing my room a bit. feeling really restless today. and i had not start doing my band's basslines. CRAP!


16th nov 2009, monday

was home doing nothing... nothing came into my mind. blank. the first time i feel that way.


17th nov 2009, tuesday

woke up at 9 30am, bathed..

out by 11am to the temple in sengkang with my guy to do some prayers. not really in any luck recently.

reached orchard ION by noon. we went on to purchase my heels and then went on to watson to buy some stuff for the upcoming taiwan trip.

then we went off to Takashimaya by 1pm and went to have our lunch and then to kinokuniya to buy my murakami's final collection and bought a sudoku book to work on it and a super expensive yet freaking nice schedule book for 2010 at $36.. T.T

then we went on to taka departmental as i've redeemed my vouchers for it. and we saw the SAME schedule book. T.T wasted..but still i bought my stuff for my japanese notes and all. got to start revising now. cos, im going for jlpt 3 exam next year. :)

then we went on to pay and walk out of taka. wanted to move on to OG to buy my guy's sexy underwears. but then we are so freaking tired... so we intended to get back to hougang area for the cake.

reached hougang by 5pm. then we went on to order crabs first then sit down outside talk a little, smoke a bit and drank milk tea. then we went into the mall. went to sasa to get more nail polish and my eyeliner. then went to collect the cake.


then slowly... we bought the breads and popiah and collect the crab and went home. we spend alot though. i mean my guy spend alot on me though. on one hand im freaking gulity yet on the other im feeling really happy cos what i wanted had all been here!


went home celebrated and finally she opened her mouth and talk to us again. and seems like things are going back to normal of cos i just is due to my grandma who is coming to singapore this friday. whatever it is. i just kept telling myself that its my prayers that worked.. no other. sigh.. how i wished it was true.


talk alot till 10plus and went on to bath and finally we can take a rest.


18th nov 2009, wednesday

woke up looking around me. house has got no one only my maid. looking at the time its noon. got up. took my medi and all..my daily routine and then went on to start clearing up stuffs. watched some talk shows changed my nail colors and then finally i bother to eat at 5pm..

my stomach had been drumming since 1pm..but i cant be bothered with it. then dad n mum was home, ate my dinner by focusing on the crab and bread.


take time off to play sudoku but i dozed off. when i woke up my guy is already home and bathed. =_= im totally in a blur mode till i went to bath at 9pm.


tthen i realised, he isnt in good mood. he didnt bother to talk to me much. with that down look.when i wanted to talk to him in a joking way, to my surprise he replied in an unhappy way.


i dont know whats wrong. i didnt care either. cos i really dunno what is wrong and he dont wanna talk. i went on to do my mask and look for dad's bday cake online. finally found one. this time is fast enough. cos we all know what is dad's favourite.


then he finally spoke. just telling me 3 sentences. when i came bk to my room after talking to mum abt the cake. i questioned him and he cant really tell me properly what is actually happening at work.


i dont know if i got pissed or just upset and disappointed. cos there are alot of things i dont know. and i will never know cos he will never tell and just pretend to smile and talk nicely to me.


i dont know if this is a good thing or bad thing. im starting to question myself about this relationship. and im now very sure. i really love him. thats all.


both of us agreed to settle down asap. but withthis rate. i dont think we cant. i dont hold a job. even if i do. ok, i will work for dad n mom. even if i dont dad kept an amount of money for me for my marriage.


but with his unstable income i really dont know how. i guess my target, my wish, my hope just cant be fulfilled. sometimes things arent perfect. to be true. i've long knew about it. just that i dont wanna face it so fast. cos i always thought there will be a way out someday so soon and things will end nicely.


he told me, he was tired thats why his face was so black. but, i knew it was just an excuse. i know how he will be like if he is tired. not this way. i thought there shouldnt be secrets? why did he chose to keep it from me?


i know i will be harsh when comes to career. and of cos i only hope for the best of things for him. i dont want things to turn out sour within all the partners at the end. my family had got lots of problems with this kind of things already. and i dont wish that it will happen on him.


even very own relatives can betray you. friends, buddy, besties are no better. how many people can we trust? i can say.. no one. i dont fully trust anyone except my parents n him. cos they are the closest to me already and i only have them with me only .

but why didnt he see it coming..recently i've tried my best to make him happy. cos i know he gave me too much. be it love, time, energy, care, money. everything! and for now, what i can give is only my love, care n concern and my time with him.


im still not capable of any finance help. 1st im a girl and im not someone who really save up. but i;ve tried to take the first step by not using credit card and see how much i can control with only cash. and more over i only can take the max. 40 bucks whenever i go out. if i stay at home dad will not give me any even if i ask for it.


so, my finance wise... zero. unlike her..dad allows her to take 2 credit cards. her 2 cards adds up to my 1 card but im the only one getting scolded. dad allows her to travel as and when she likes and sponsor her on everything but i cant. cos i dont want to and dont dare. i dont wan to be another burden.


what the fark can i do? i really dont know. cos, no one wants to hire me. and im pissed with all the insurance company calling me asking me to work for them or buy insurance.


this kind of job is a total blood sucker.i would rather work for dad although it not an easy job than being some insurance agent. its total crap.


sigh...i told him to go to bed early if he is tired, i wont be sleeping yet i've got things to do. but he dont seem happy abt it. and seems like my keyboard sound is noisy for him. i should get out of the room asap. go to the living room to watch some tv, do my sudoku and plan out my list for the trip and smoke...


tml is our 6th months. but i guess its better if he is home to stay with his parents better. cos my grandma will be here on friday anyways.


we are not going to celebrate anyways. end here.. think im going to go out to get some ciggie.


ends...

it has been a good weekend for me i guess.


1stly, went off for my jamming on friday.. i was EARLY.. for after so long.. :) yes... and the band did carry on well as usual.. completing the 3rd song very soon. due to my 2 boys.. kept having new ideas to add in, therefore we kept arranging AND arranging...


after the jam, we had a pretty long crappy no answer meeting till the last minute. Gayboy finally spoke out and took the initiative to get the meeting done.


BY.. going to school with just a set of paper and a PEN! :) baobao is worst.. he broke nothing to school but just TEXTBOOK.. no PEN AT ALL!


xiaomei wise... hais... the most devoted member... she only brought her lyrics to school... T.T


hello dear ones.. please study hard can! ok... so we got all the songs we want in one EP.. ya.. 1 EP with 7 tracks.. CRAP! lets make it an album.. isnt it..


we had got an intro.. 5 originals and 1 bonus track. so we were thinking about the titles for our originals..


list:

1) broken melody (have not re-arranged)
2) Fake face (Should be no problem)
3) I Got Spine & Skeleton With A Piece Of Cake (Current On going 3rd original)
4) -nil-
5) -nil-


so... eventually after naming the 3rd original we girls have got no heart for the rest of the originals... OMG! the boys eventually got such a title for the 3rd song!!!!! its not any children song.. its a rock emo track.. >.<

but the boys insist on it.. so we can only say.. OK to it.. T.T i wanna CRY!!!~~~


anyways, decisions had been made is that we will not jam weekly anymore.. but we still meet up on jamming days and time for acoustic.. BECOS.. we are BROKE!!!


ha! eventually acoustic can also get the band to come together to jam... we just have toconvert all the acoustic into band mode. and we will be done!!!! :)


then off we are home.. tadao mcdonalds before going home with hubby. and i have got 16 stickers for the monopoly game.. BUT BUT BUT.. I WON NOTHING!! im just so sort of one each of each of the colors!

man.. im so hoping to win the top prize which is the $50,000 CASH! i need sentosa cove!!!! >.<


right... suddenly i feel that this game is worth my time eating mcdonalds... :D


then here comes saturday.... 14th nov 2009.. i woke up late... mum bought me lunch.. had my lunch and i dozed off again.. CRAP! woke up do my nails... then off to nap for an hour..then wake up... waited for hubby to come home to eat dinner together..


mum made almond jelly! ok.. the last 2 cup... hubby n i finished it.. WAHAHHA! SHIOK!!! then... we watched the haunting connecuit.. lousy movie.. but the effects are good! :)


then... i dozed off kept wanting to wake up early and go market with mummy BUT THEN... hubby n i always overslept... >.<


alarm set at 6am.. but none of us woke up... and we slept till 10am... i woke up ate my breakfast...


15th nov 2009.. sunday... woke up... ate...then prepare myself for movie outing with mum and hubby... then.. problems came in.. after im done.. which was like.. 2pm.. then mum suddenly came in.. look out the window.. and i asked what happened..


its again.. one of our clothings had dropped down to level 1's garden shelter... so we could only reach it at level 2.....


mum and hubby tried to asked the family living in level 2 to help us.. BUT hat family is one kind of bastard...


1st attempt: my maid went down... told that guy that our clothing had dropped.. maybe he could help us pick it up.. he said.. he will take a look.. yes he did.. but he said canot see.. ok..nvm.. my maid n hubby went down to level one..taking our ladder, trying to reach for the shelter height.. but CANT..


2nd attempt: mum n hubby went to look for that guy again.. and ask him to let us in let us take a look at it... tat guy even closed his doors and DO NOT WANT TO RESPOND ON PURPOSE.. ok.. fine.. mum came up.. leaving hubby downstairs...looking for management.. but it was close on sundays..


3rd attempt: i go pissed.. i went down to look for that guy.. just nice hubby came up..so we went down to that guy again.. now what? the guy LOCKED UP HIS GATE AND SHUT HIS DOOR! door bell dont work anymore... and no matter how to shout he just dont respond but we can hear him quarreling inside with his wife...


so i got so pissed... and i said.. "  死中国人" and he open the door saying who said that! wow... so what after i said that then you open.. after people insult your country... this is crap! ok.. i was wrong.. BUT i wouldnt get pissed if he co-operate!

he was screaming and shouting at us.. and even say..." FUCKED YOU" oh no... he is in trouble now.. i can sue him for it.. cos he was looking and pointing at me when he said that.. im a girl~~ honey...


he dared us by opening his gates... but dare not open it big.. WHY... cos he cant fight nor can he win us.. we had a platform floor before the pavement.. so at long as we dont step on his platform.. its consider public area.. and he said we are AT HIS PROPERTY.. he gonna call the managment..


so we said.."CALL LAH! U DARE YOU CALL!" he dont... he open his gate.. so small.. so now hubby got fierce he pull open the gate and what happens? that china guy eventually tried to close it back.. TELL ME.. who is looking for trouble now..


then mum came down.. and he still shouted so loud... nvm.. he said my mum dont know how to teach her kids.. standing here looking for trouble and kept saying he is a lawyer he can sue me for it.. GO AHEAD AS I SAID!


i was so farking pissed.. he insulted my mum... he expected my apology.. ok.. fine.. i apologised for one he said im in a wrong attitude.. u want it in a good way.. i give it to you. but he wont have a good life after that...


he said he has got a child in his home.. why do we make so much noise.. YA RIGHT.. HOW LOUD DO YOU AND UR WIFE QUARREL! I CAN HEAR THE WORDS SO CLEARLY... KNOWING WHAT THE 2 OF YOU ARE QUARRELING ABOUT!


this house structure i know it too well.. i stay here for 10years.. and i dont remember any china family living down my block... im getting so pissed with singaporean.. for the sake of that few thousands... and rent it out to some china freaks!


he said he is the lawyer.. but why didnt he know the rules of singapore that if any guys insult the girl.. he will be in for it.. laywer?? scolding me FUCK YOU! ??? oh... dont ever say he dont know fuck you was an insult.

a lawyer... good knowledge isnt it... he was scolding us in english but only that repeated 3 sentences with one last sentence saying fuck you! and thats it..


i shouted back saying.. " IF you dont know how to speak english, YOU can speak CHINESE i can understand that!" and he said.. "HEY! i can speak better english than you!" awww...what a kid...


why compare you english with mine?? im singapore educated.. i under go strict education system! oh... or is he insulting singapore for lousy education system?? ouch! its another insult!


mum ended up going in to collect the pants.. all u have to do is... get a chair.. stand on it.. go out to the flower pots area.. and retrieve it with a pole and its done.. i know why the guy cant even do it.. cos his tummy was so big that he cant even see his own toes already.. dont even mention about leaning out his window to take a look at it...


all of us believe he isnt any lawyer..cos lawyers in singapore are not allow to use such languages at all.. its a strict rule in singapore. and do you ever see a lawyer with a oversized tee that is tor n with a shorts.. with messy oily gray hair and BIG tummy and oily looking face? AH... i guess he has got no business so he vent out his anger on his wife and child...


they shouted so loud at home his kid did not even cry... rather than saying we shouting outside... please.. for god sake.. everyone was a BABY before... even random noises can make them CRY or SCARED? i bet that isnt human.. im sure..


ended up getting the pants... and its dad's pants... dad will definitely flare up if he knew his pants are gone.. cos those are the usual ones he wear...


and for my maid.. i eventually trash her deep enough for it this time... so many times we said.. DO NOT HANG THE CLOTHES BY THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW.. she dont wanna listen and this isnt the 1st time dropping it...


and she was lucky to be able to pick them up all the time.. only this time... she did not intend to let us know till hubby walk into the kitchen to grab the drink...


im not racist.. but the china people in singapore are really ill educated! i believe most of the singaporean sees that... i do not mean that all china people in sg.. some are good.. but they are just minorities...

which is a bad thing.. many said the americans are rough n all.. but look.. americans aint that ill-mannered!

no wonder there are such things call.. low class and high class people.. and i really sees it now... :)


but anyways... im just pissed.. shall blog again later.. my big fishing day! with pictures... tired now.. gonna eat my lunch first.. haha!


tata!!

if im a boot-licker.. then so be it.. at least i can be a licker.. while you cant at all.. no one even allows you to do it... everyone is just SICK of all your acts! :)  

here im blogging and yes, as well im trying to get some inspirations from songs, vids to write the up coming songs.

was watching a film loaded by an artiste here in alivenotdead. its nice and i sort of have some small inspirations on it to write my up coming new tracks.

had a very bad night last night as well as in the afternoon yesterday.


i dreamt of my passed away grandpa. it has been 3yrs ever since he came into my dreams again. but the dreams seem to tell me something but till now i cant define. its a little messy somehow. or maybe i was just thinking too much ...

eventually, im rushing out all the tracks i have alot to do. 3 tracks in hand now.. and none had been done or even arranged.. my band still have got a 6th bonus track to do. but ... hais... seems very hectic for me...when you have no inspirations thats when problems will come in.

went for a doc yesterday. cos my eyes were infected badly. my vessels were burst all round. swell, puffy eyes, so the main course 1st due to my bad sinus, then my extreme tearing few nights ago.

and went to see doc on my weight as well... got a new medi.. CHEAP. but ended up my bill is 145bucks... *vomit blood*


doc gave me the same medi for my eyes..the same thing happens.. it floods down my nose then my throat.. and the weird taste started coming... >.<

but i hae no choice my eyes will dye out soon if that carrys on.

but its alot better now but i suffer from dry eyes every now and then. sighs..


things didnt get better at home.. it became worse. so therefore i cant be bothered anymore. she will throw out some act once my cousin comes or my grandma comes. so, we will just wait and see.

mum said that too. :) all of us knew? ha! *claps* award goes to her again this year.

anyways. not my problem. but good thing she gave me inspirations to write goog songs out of it.


my guy is sick and i dunno how is he doing cos he isnt replying my sms. neither can i go over cos i've got zero dollar on me and i have to think on the other hand abt my work in hand.


bingo. these few days i had been asking mum if i can go down to the office to help her. but she seem to reject me. kept telling me nothing much in the office to do recently due to school holidays. so, yeah.. mum ask me not to go down.


just found a new song by Spontania feat AZU. very nice. good lyrics and melody for the song. good time for me to listen to it.


sort of miss my grandpa somehow. my mind is full of grandpa's images now. wonder if its a good sign or not. some more its like just after the rain. no sunset, no sunlight. and the day is just turning to dark real soon.


shall end here...


ends...

this is going haywired but im not affected by it.


being guilty of sending those smses to me and afraid of me showing that to dad and mum. saying im such a backstabber? why afraid? if you meant nothing at all in the first place? come on, dont act like as if you are right when you are so damn bloody wrong.


acting fillial? i dun have to. its meant to be.. WHO PROMISE TO KEEP MUM ACCOMPANY AT HOME WHILE IM OUT FOR A NIGHT OUTING? AND ENDED UP GOING OUT FOR MOVIES WITH FRIENDS. NOT EVEN BOTHERED TO THINK THAT DAD IS STILL OUT MAHJONGING NEEDING SOMEONE TO FETCH! AND LEAVING MUM HOME ALONE HIDING IN THE ROOM! FARKER!


i had been home with hubby to keep mum accompany all THESE while. and i didnt complain at all. blame on who! ass. go on your blog typing all these rubbish trying to act like a victim and show all the cousins in brunei? please la. one way to gain pity? omg .. trying to gain pity on kids. any other better choices?


i dont even bother if i will be in good terms with all the cousins.. cos in the end its all on our own ways. treating cousins more like same blooded sisters rather than me...


i accused her... asked herself then if ALL i had said was the FACT or was it something i LIE about. i dont have to accuse. everyone in this family has got eyes to see.


no point dad telling me all those in the sms-es. this is no longer about kinship between us in the family. she never treated me like her own sister, when i always spare a thought for her. whenever i go out. i will try to buy things home for her. dont she remember the times i looked after her without complains?


did she really remember it??? did she even put that in her heart? NO!


i was watching sister's keeper last night online. at first i thought the younger sister was so heartless. she dont even wanted to save her elder sister whose kidney is of 0 working power.


the younger sister is only 11yrs old . she dont have the rights to make decisions on any operations, parents are the ones deciding it. therefore she went to look for a lawyer herself and wanted to sue her parents.


and yes i thought she was so FARKING heartless not wanting to save her sister. but i was wrong. when the older sister kate knew she was sick. knew things are getting worse. she threw her temper as and when. but the younger sister will never abandon her. and eventually stay by kate's side.


and walk down till then. everyday she is looking ater kate. feeding. cleaning her up, keeping an eye on kate. everything! and the judge did ask the little sister, if she was sick n tired of looking after kate. she said no. becos thats her sister. she loved her. always love her.


then... till the end... the brother couldnt take it anymore. kate was in the hospital dying. while the family is in court fighting over the rights...


finally.. truth is out. actually kate was the one who asked the 2 of them to go against the will of going for operation. kate wanted to die. she had walked on too long. she is tired. and she is all ready to go.

the mother couldnt believe. but what to do. its the fact. in the end... kate left this world peacefully. the family had to carry on.


the sister's love is nothing to be compared. and thoughts ran into my mind. thinking back the times i spend my whole time and energy to look after her. but in the end... wat did i get.. nothing but trying to accuse me all the way for saying im backstabbing her.. WHY MUST I DO THAT!


if i really hate her.. i will not lay my tears on what she said. i will not lay my tears everyday when i see her in bed. bleeding in her nose, her mouth. she cant eat. i accompany her for all her check ups. i check on her every once in a while.


mum and i took the turns to look after her. even when i know i have to work. sales line is 10times energy using than any other normal office clerk do.


i walked into the music scene she never supported me. she always look down on me. but on the other way round. whatever she wants to do. i just supported her and let her do it.


why? if i talk against her she get pissed. and started the quarrels.. wat is the point?i dont like quarrels ever since my relatives passed away. SHE thinks that we are all happy all squeezing in mum's room to have dinner...did she ever thought that my guy n i will be home for dinner? and thats our habit.


no... her friends n herself.. happily eating. like WOW.. yes finishing up all the food. damn you!


mum was alone in her room. she looked pale. she was hungry. who cares?


i did not purposely show my care and concern for mum or dad. i do all these cos mum is not feeling good anymore. she is utterly sad that every night. dad is out for mahjong. she is hidding in her room if not out for whatever shit if not mahjong at home.. who ever talks to mum heart to heart.


its only when my guy started all the talks and i tried to work things out for mum to make her feel better. everyone will definitely know how it feels like being lonely at night knowing you have everyone in the family but its all empty. no one to talk to.


she cant keep up with what we daughters are doing. she cant talk heart to heart to us. due to all our tempers. so what if she is those rushing kind. she is still our mother. we might whinning over it. but so? matter is over. we dont remember it.


we dont have to say such harsh words at all. ask herself. if her words WERE RIGHT in the first place. ask herself if she WAS right in the first place. DID she made a MISTAKE in the first place?


LISTEN TO YOUR HEART and ASK YOURSELF ABT IT!


GO ON~ didnt know that dad's case is a serious one. dad cant be upset or angry or stress anymore. he can get stroke anytime.


knowing nothing thinking that things are not serious. ENJOY UR FARKING LIFE instead! wait till dad and mum dies. i do not want to see tat farking crying face. its no time to regret or to be guilty for anything anymore.


dun force her to the brim. wat can she do? kill me? go ahead. she never liked me this sister in the first place. saying things that are wrong. she never listens to mum's heart. mum told me what she said in the smses.

and mum said she was utterly depressed over it. BECOS she will imagine that her own flesh and blood will say such a thing.


i say her INHUMAN i am RIGHT. i did nth wrong. for so long did i ever push in to quarrel on.. dad always asked me to give in to her. why... cos he said... my sister's temper is like tat.. why not i give it.. then quarrels will stop. ya.. dad always say that.


and wat can i do.. i always give in.. did i ever say mum n dad bias again? no i didnt. cos dad n mum clarify everything with me before. and many people talk things out with me. jalaine, my guy, sheena , karen and some others i dun wanna mention names. for private sake.


and i stand on my parents point of view. did we treat her bad? did my guy treat her like an outsider before? we didnt. even when we are buying things for dad and mum. hubby will always ask me.. wanna get it for your sister? everyone thinks for her. but did she think for anyone?


i tried to give in in all ways.. she wanna meet whoever. ok.. i get my guy to intro. she wanna go where.. ask me tag along.. out of 10times how many times did i say no? ask herself. how many times did i reject her? ask herself once again.


whenever she has got no money who gave her the money. i dont have much money left.. but i still gave it to her. she needs it. ok fine. i dont complain over it.


i never stab her at all.. i dont go behind her back telling stories... everything had been found out by dad n mum themselves.. how they find it out.. u cant ask me.. how the hell would i know..somethings i kept it private i dont say it.. but dad and mum still finds out and still question me over it..

but did i confront her and say hey u bitch u must be the one telling dad n mum. i know i did it. so? i just have to admit it. no point denying it will eventually hurt my loved ones.


i officially cut ties with her.. not becos i hate her. its becos.. i find it no point staying as kins when i know i will be taken for granted in the end. my guy will be taken for granted in the end.


i rather not having any kins attending my wedding the next time round. i rather not having any kins by my side in future to help me if i have problems in the future.


the more people gathers in. the more troubles will come out. i chose to stay away. i dont like things going complicated.

had she put herself in any of the family members' shoes.. no she didnt. i dont do things for nothing. i do it for a reason. a good reason.


i dont make music for nothing.. i make music.. yes.. i do want to get famous.. i want my band's EP to sell.. to earn! i wanna go everywhere to perform at this age to achieve something at least to make dad n mum proud while they are still around.


i did nth to make them proud at all all these years... since the day i was born.. i didnt do anything to make them really happy. i only make them upset, angry disappointed. i know it all.


and i didnt step back into that path now.. i wanna make things better. i want this family to really be like one family. but i was wrong.


dad tried his best but again he knew he cant do it on his own.

i shall end here...

she chose to hate. and not to love and forget.  then thats it..


be it in the end dad n mum forgives her... give her a warm hug love her again. and im out of this circle.. im ok. im used to it.


going for kiang's concert later.. hopefully can come home before mum sleeps.


since event is going to end at 9pm. sighs... going to see lots of people tonight. ngak, clement, ken and all, i dont know if jim and alll will be there but 100 over tixs... all are from people in G77.. so... i guess i will have to smile REALLY big and talk really alot tonight.


even if i know my mood isnt that well afterall.. but thanks to hubby by my side to make mum n dad happy. thanks. spending the money time and energy on this family... love you.



gones

I started out in a nice peaceful family...




i've got very nice big family in brunei and Singapore. aunts and uncles. grandparents.
i was so blessed. i was glad i was born this way..




a really really nice grandpa. in his arms since i was younger.
i really had no complains about it. its all worth it.

But things arent fine afterall when im slowly growing up. i learnt all the bad habits. i lied, i steal, i bully, i scolded vulgarities.of cos.. who did i pick up from? the one sat RIGHT next to me.




and from there i became worse BUT someone was even deep down cheaper than i do.
she took up the "gang" thing at the age of 11yrs old. she started smoking at the age of 13yrs old. she started running away from school since 14yrs old. she started liking girls at the age of 14yrs old.

she started her 1st drug taking at the age of 15yrs old. and she became that uncontrollable since the age of 10yrs old. she started bullying me treating me like a dog ever since i was 3yrs old.

i had to go her ways no matter what. if not she will start scolding me all the vulgarities or start to take my things away and destroy them. was she an angel? decision is all up to all readers.




soon of cos we had all grown up. my dad and mum started to age. my cousin had grown up too. this favourite aunt of mine. eventually didnt see the ugly side of HER. my aunt treated her so well. And i was always the leftovers. im someone who cant express myself neither do i like to be closer to any of the relatives.


thats me and i only chose to stick to dad and mum so close ever since my grandfathers were gone. my 2 uncles in brunei were gone. the whole family in brunei departed. mum was upset so do i but hatres over rule those saddness in me.


humans are greedy. humans will never feel enough of anything. they would rather keep that high quality life to keep up with this society THAN to rather stay simple and peaceful.


i used to be like that. but now. i chose to go the simple and peaceful way. as long as it enough to use them. i have them. im fine. i will no longer ask for more.


dad got me a credit card as my 21st old bday present. and i over spend them all from time to time and i always said i will learn my lesson but at the end it only lasted for a month or two.


i got my job, im earning good. but becos i loved her so much. during all her operations, my heart had never rested. keeping her accompany in the hospital the whole day. keeping awake in the middle of the nights to serve her. during her mahjong sessions. when i have to work a morning shift the next day.


i didnt complained. dad and mum were touched by it. she WAS greatful about it. she smsed me touching messages. and i believed her. but it ended in a way. she got herself a beautiful face at the end.


she slimmed down. she got all the appearance she wanted. she spend on even more about slimming down her thighs and everything. by going for slimming packages but she stopped after a while..


why? bcos she said it dont work. why? she dont exercise and she still eat that much. spending thousands and hundreds on those and yet telling us it dont work while the others worked so well.


her attitude, behaviour and temper became uncontrolable... she made herself look as if she was so rich. she made herself look as if she was that 100% perfect girl and daughter. she made herself lose her temper easily every now and then.


she said by changing her looks, she will have the confident to look for a HR job in hotels. dad gave her a 3rd chance to study. she holds on a higher cert than i do. BUT i can easily get a accounting assistant job. BUT she.. became fussy over jobs.


and finally, she became so materialistic. working in small hotels, she can earn faster, and promoted faster. introduced by her friend. she went for interview. she was in. the WHOLE family went high and low to look for working top and pants FOR her.


yes, we thought it was a success finally she is working.. her official FIRST job at the age of 23. she never faced the society before. while i did for the past 2yrs. be it my performances or my job. i hold a sales job afterall..


she went to work on the first day. 2nd day, she worked half a day and mention she had a very bad headache. eat panadol then. but eventually dad had to fetch her. 3rd day, off to work as usual. and 4th day, her off day. she mentioned, "im sick of the job, becos of it i missed all my mahjong sessions, my dramas online, my time surfing the net, my time meeting up my friends."


i was so pissed. i scolded her, "if you cant work this way, why did you even take up this job? you can just reject it. work only for 2days not even a 3days. you work for nothing no pay no nothing. all you have to do is waking up at 5am in the morning, take a CAB to work using dad's money, start work at 7am and ends at 7pm, but you have nothing much to do as a receptionist".


when i worked, i didnt take a cab at all. i always take a mrt or bus to work. i buy lunch boxes at work. i dont have fixed timing for breaks. i have to look after the shop myself. i have to earn sales myself. i was glad. i could give the shop an earning of 5 to 600 per day. at far east plaza. in a tiny shop. selling heels which ranges from $30 onwards.


i start work at 11am and end work at 9pm. who is worse? i dont earn commission from there. i have no OT pays. i simply just take my $4.50/per hr pay home monthly. then the next sales job. selling art glass jewelleries. full timer with OT. i only earn $1240. monthly and i have to work everyday, only an off on monday. worked from 10am to 10pm in the night. all alone as well.


then mum and dad complained that its too hectic its time to convert to part time. of cos. my company allows me to do that. becos i earn at least $1k profit a day. alone. no commission as well.


so i changed to $5.50 per hr. i worked 5days. 10am to 8pm a day. and i take home $900 a month.


all these. im someone who makes sure i dress up well and make up well before i goes to work. due to the line im in. i have to wake up at 7am. taking a train. i have to buy my breakfast or even at times i dont take my breakfast.


i transfer from branch to branch. parkway parade, orchard or vivocity. its hectic. my life had been so bad. my band was gone. my life was so mono. but all these money.. during my 2nd job. all goes to HER.. i dote her. i buy lots of things for her to kill her time off at home when recovering.


i take cabs here and there to rush home to rush to work from day to day. and i didnt use dad's money at all. i stopped taking money from him ever since i got my 1st full time pay.


and here today. she took everything for granted. she enjoyed herself so much. she didnt listen to anyone anymore. dad has to go for his medical appointment in the afternoon yesterday. so she had to help dad out by driving him over to his doc and deliver the doc. to all the schools. dad will not be able to driver after his arms are wrapped.


she didnt bother. she said.. " i played mahjong till so late plus mum just sms me and scold me like fark and my appointment for mahjong is in the evening".


she said im a big mouth to tell dad n mum all the message we had during an arguement on sunday.


why is she so afraid of me telling them? you dare to say those things.. then be sure to hold the consequences in the end. she mentioned INHUMAN. as long as she said it. and it refers to mum. she was wrong be it wat kind of tone you are using or what other meaning she had.


its all excuses. she could only scold me on the phone and asked me to take over dad's business. even if today dad only allow her to take over. she wouldnt want it. PLUS she can drive and i cant. and she can tell me.. "do you know the pain of a driver?"


dad does that EVERYDAY. and what about her? she only becomes the driver when she wants to use the car.


i've never seen such a pea brain person who can use this reason to argue back. im in charge of all the pc work in dad's office. does she know how to do that? she dont.. why? cos she doesnt wants to learn at all when dad offer to teach.


who to blame.. TELL ME WHO TO BLAME! mum dropped her tears in the living room last night when she heard me quarreling so loud on the phone. dad and mum were helpless and i cant stop her from all these evil doings.


dad got me a new credit card. and what i did. i cut it off and burn it. this time round if you were to ask me to buy anything i cant. cos its all new numbers i didnt memorise it.


she said she will die if someday dad passed away by any acident. to be true as wat i said. " your farking life is cheap, even if you die 10times you will not be able to pay back dad's life"


SHE SAID I CREATED ALL THESE. touch you own heart and ask yourself truly. how different are you from the woman in brunei. ALL THE SAME! JUST WAITING FOR DAD AND MUM TO DIE. SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE THIS CONDO UNDER YOU, THE SHOP UNDER YOU. U CAN SELL THE SHOP AT HIGH PRICE. YOU JUST WANTED ALL THE MONEY. EVEN MY OWN EARNING IN THE BANK. MY TOTAL AMOUNT IS HIGH THAN YOURS. YOU ALSO COMPLAIN AND END UP. HALF OF MY PAY HAS TO GOES TO YOU IF ONE DAY WE SPLIT THE MONEY UP!


im going insane.. i really am. i received dad's sms this afternoon. he beg me to ignore that person from now on. dad just want to be happy to have peace in the family. i told him im pissed very pissed. i cant allow her to do this. dad told me a long paragraph of things that touched my heart badly.


and i believe dad had finally let go of her. dad, im sure she will not regret nor upset one day. becos she will never know how much you had done in the family quietly all these years. she will be the same forever.


and someday she will go around begging her friends or even me. for money for anything. dad im sorry but i've vow to god. i had cut off ties with her from now on. so, pardon me. but what rui n i promised you. we will do it. and we will never let it fade away at all..same goes to mum.


BITCH, WATCH OUT. THIS IS HOW I WANT YOU TO DIE. YES, I WANT YOU TO SUFFER. YES I DID IT ALL. I COMPLAIN, I TOLD EVERYONE YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS. EVERYONE, THE COMMON FRIENDS OF OURS ALL KNOW ABOUT THE DIRTY SIDE OF YOU. CONTINUE YOUR ONLINE FLIRTING WITH SOME UNKNOWN GUYS. WHO DONT KNOW YOU ARE DESPERATE FOR A BF NOW. BUT TOO BAD YOU DONT HAVE THAT LUCK. THIS IS THE END OF YOU. DAD AND MUM CAN TREAT U WELL SOON. BUT REMEMBER. ALL THESE ARE FOR THE SAKE OF ME NOT YOU. YOU THINK YOU HAD GROWN UP.. THINK TWICE. WHAT DID YOU DO IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.


AND ALSO. SINCE YOU MENTIONED, I WAS BORN A MISTAKE. LET ME COMPLETE YOU SENTENCE. IF I WAS BORN A MISTAKE, THEN YOU ARE DEFINITELY BORN A BIG MISTAKE.


end of here. got to get ready for jamming. i think im going to be late again.