Reality TV...Real or Not?
Have they gone too far with reality television? Well let me put it this way: ‘Is what they are trying to turn us on with, turning us off?’ These days cable is popping out more reality shows than Nadya Suleman is popping out babies. Well almost! Suleman is now eight realities ahead, discovering a way to have her babies, without paying a dime. ‘A kind of pop em as you go deal, or a buy one, get seven free arrangement.’ I hope she has a private address, otherwise the Pitts will be camped outside her house holding a sign that says ‘Will work for Babies.’ However before I start passing the baby on this one, or turning myself into an infantesimal fanatic, let’s get back to reality.
With shows like take home chef, which is not half bad by the way, competing for ratings with other shows competing with all the other take home ratings rights, isn’t it getting a little confusing? What’s next ‘take home hookers or maybe take home homie’s? Good lord I hope no producers read this! It could implicate me as the idea spinner, in a whole new version of terrible take homes or take away’s, as they have been called for many years. Seriously though, when did reality shows lose their own sense of reality? Don’t get me wrong some reality TV is good. Fear Factor is one that springs to mind. What I draw the line on, are shows like ‘Bear Grylls’ survival reality show. P-p-p-please get real, pardon the pun. A man running around with a camera in tow, as well as gaffer, is complete BSS (Bull Sheet Screening). So he eats some pretty disgusting things? So he roughs the elements? How can it be real when he has company with him at all times? Isn’t survival, all about...well surviving? I can just picture the director sitting in his comfy chair.
‘Ok scene 21, take 2…action. Bear eat that live lizard.’ Crew look on in shock. ‘Poor bloody lizard.’
DIRECTOR: Action!
BEAR: Picks up lizard and rips his tiny little head off his body. Lizard lets out a hellishly silent scream, and then dies.
DIRECTOR: ‘OK cut! Pepsi boy give Bear his diet coke, we don’t want any troublemakers saying this show promotes diabetes. Mc Donald boy, bring Bear his Double Cheese Burger and Fries. Great take people…looked real to me. Let's just hope the public buy it!’
BEAR: ‘Hoy! Where’s the bloody catsup?’
That lizard scene must have PETA rolling round like an alligator in a death spiral. What other defenseless creature is Bear going to eat on his wilderness escapades, and in the name of entertainment television? I for one would like to see him pick up a really pissed off rattlesnake, and try prying its head from its body with his Bear teeth. Hehehe...sorry! Can't help myself. Ahem! Picture a close up where the snake gets to bite him on his stiff upper lip! Don’t worry, I don’t want him to be snuffed by a rattler, still it would be fitting to see him on anti venom for a few days. This could be a whole new reality show. ‘Reptiles on the Gryll.’ It could work nicely as both an outdoor barbecue cook show and a payback reality show about, well, payback. Each week we could get to see Bear getting bitten or scratched. Now that people is entertainment!
And what about that rather large chap, Alan Zimmerman, I know, I know...he sounds like our very own Alan Zemin, except our Alan is less chubby and refuses to eat disgusting things, unless you can call our 'Yum Cha' chickens feet yucky? Still seriously, who wants to see this other distateful stuff, right? Why is it even interesting? Shouldn’t we just change the shows name to ‘Fatties eating disgusting things, and still not being able to drop a single ounce?’ I am willing to bet that if we had disgusting things munching on fatboy, we would draw a whole new range of viewer into the show. Don’t worry; I am not suggesting that disgusting things eat him completely. Although, having him gnawed on during each show could help the show achieve some much needed ratings. Besides, he certainly has enough body mass to go around. By the time the disgusting things get through to his extremities, they could wrap up an entire season. The show could then overflow into the existing reality show about plastic surgery. All those bite marks could be magically removed, or as I like to say ‘Snipped and chucked.’
Yet as lame as these shows are, they are hard pressed when compared to the most annoying Paris Hilton’s reality show, about finding her BFF. This crappy, crap, crap scores the highest on my BS ometer. Let’s digest the abbreviation of this word BFF for a tad. Best Friend Forever. Barf! Now lets rename it ‘Biggest F$*&ing Fantasy.’ Who in their right state of mind wants to see Paris Hilton find her best friend? We are punished enough with her self-medicated, constant, mindless, uninteresting frolicking in the concrete jungles of America, where she is sometimes half naked, other times naked, looking like a deer that has had it's light dazed, looking like a doppy, dimwitted blond bimbo on 'stupid steroids.' I mean seriously, how can you even find a best friend forever on such a ridiculous show? Well, it seems you can, and she did. She now has a BFF, although she is probably more a demented, yet controllable stalker, that Paris thought would be cute to accessorize with. I have to hand it to the blond bimbo though; she had to have had some one working on this since her college years, because she has single handedly discovered a way to enlist a slave, without paying a dime. A mindless zombie programmed to follow the blond bomb smell wherever she roams, while waiting on her hand and foot, all in the name of reality TV. Genius! Still it is not all bad, strike a victory for Peta, at least now the cute little Chawaiwai’s are safe at last from Paris’s doggie don’ts, now replaced by, wait for it! Not man’s best friend, but Paris’s own version of a BFF. Parish the thought!
