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Bianca Pamela Alcera
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one!

While trying to get over the last person I liked, I was able to assess myself. I was able to reflect on the way I perceive things, and I was able to realize why I haven’t actually been in love before.

The following entry, which I wrote last Sunday after watching a play I’d like to describe as “my home”, tries to explain my realization. I was careful not to reveal too much details, that is why if some of you find it vague, I apologize already.

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If, 10 or 20 years from now, I still find myself alone, I will not be surprised. I might appear like a hopeless romantic by saying this, but someone set the bar too high… too high that surpassing, or at least meeting, it is almost unimaginable.

I met this someone 5 years ago, and I met him simply by chance. I was looking for something, but I ended up stumbling upon him. Though I may not remember the exact date of our first encounter, I am definite of my feelings back then. My heart immediately went “dokidoki” when I saw him, and the smile on my face could not be hidden. Yes, like any other girl, it was physical appearance that caught my attention initially.

As each day passed, I expectedly got more attracted to him. He was such an interesting fellow that getting to know him instantly became a hobby. From collecting his pictures like a stalker to supporting his work like a fan, it was an everyday agenda to me. Little did I know that this hobby would soon engrave the man’s existence in my life.

It was probably when I found out we had similarities that I started being discontented with what was being given. I wanted to dig deeper; I wanted to gain knowledge about the things beyond his superficial being; I wanted to get closer to his reality. True enough, I was able to relate to him. But at the same time, he made me experience a lot of emotions I wasn’t accustomed to. He also opened my mind to a lot of different perspectives. I felt like I was learning so much, moreover, from a person who was not even past 30. And because of this, my affection for him grew. I was amazed by how big he was; I was fascinated by how his life story unfolded.

Before you think I’m putting him on a pedestal, I’d like to make it known that he’s no perfect person. With the challenges he had to go through, naturally, he’s got his own share of selfishness and rebelliousness. He’s not afraid to admit those things, though. Because for him, they were indispensable points of his life… they all contributed to the man he is today.

Being imperfect, however, didn’t stop him from trying to be perfect. He always lived the day as if it was his last; “no regrets” was one of his mottos. This humble yet hardworking personality of his is probably what made me make my decision: the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with is someone like him. I know it’s unhealthy to have this kind of thinking. But what can I do? He embodies everything I strive so passionately to be. And since I am not certain if I could be like that, I could only wish to be in love with someone who IS like that.

Why not him then?

Because it’s impossible. Even if I want to give it my all to be with him, I am not worthy of him. As much as he deserves someone who loves him, he deserves someone he loves. That, I know, will give him THE happiness he’s been searching for. And with that happiness, I am content.

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My friends tell me I don’t have a lot of suitors because men are intimidated by me. I don’t know if that’s true. But if it is, I wonder how much more they are after reading this entry, ahehehe! XD

almost 10 years ago 0 likes  0 comment  0 shares

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Languages Spoken
english, japanese, tagalog
Location (City, Country)
Philippines
Gender
female
Member Since
July 19, 2008