nothing... absolutely nothing... is going right for me lately... sigh, got outside to leave h's place and got a parking ticket... what a way to ... make me feel like total shit... thank you god.
not only that... i felt pretty useless today... so down... felt like I was ruining the mood for everyone. at dinner... my appetite completely disappeared... then felt like throwing up, i did... twice... and it's probably my own disregard to my own health... I mean... everyone dies right? so what difference does it make if i go earlier than most people? ....
then I had to bother h to dye my hair... haha...so tiring... I ... almost collapsed twice at her place and o well... my fault. and i knew h was pretty tired too...
today was her birthday gathering thing. Hope she had fun. I guess your smile was the highlight of the day... haha... again... I hope... I didn't ruin the mood, if I did... my apologies... I tried... my best for you today haha... cuz we're good friends...
have you ever... felt like you wanted to tell this one person everything that was ... messing up with your life... but you can't because you would rather not have to burden them with your own problems?
It feels like that right now... especially on a day like today. it was best not saying something that kills the atmosphere for you and everyone... so I won't... but even if it wasn't today... why do I feel like I'm pushing you away... it feels as if I'm losing everyone...
before... when we were playing pool... i had to tell someone; it was pretty bad... having to rely on h so much... she got to see me cry... and I don't think she wanted to see me cry either, but I couldn't stop it... I needed someone to hear me out... I tried to speak... and the words that came out were followed by tears.
I wish... I could just... sleep and never wake up again...
One.. step at a time... even this... I think... is going to be so hard.
Every step I take... I have to shoulder all this sorrow and pain... and the wrong step... really hurts and is filled with so much regret... I try to find salvation... but there really isn't for me. because I gave up on it.
so many people passing on lately... this year... really changed who I am...
how do I heal... when there is no time to... the wound keeps getting bigger and bigger... but maybe... if it gets big enough, I won't have to live or feel anything anymore.
haha I wish... I was as happy as I was a year and a half ago before all of these things happened.
....
is there some kind of escape ...?
