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A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE
Sunday, Oct 26, 2008 11:31AM / Members only
A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE by Ven Dr. K. Sri. Dhammananda
(http://www.budsas.org/ebud/ebdha186.htm)CONTENTS
2. THE NATURE OF LOVE AND PLEASURE
Love
Sex
The Buddha’s Explanation
Pleasure3. THE REALITY OF MARRIED LIFE
Problems
Sharing And Trust
Blinded By Emotions|
Material Needs
Pre-Marriage Advice4. THE BUDDHIST CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE
Role Of Religion
Individual Rights
Post-Marriage Blues
The Ceremony6. SECURITY, RESPECT AND RESPONSIBILITIES
Sense Of Insecurity
Husband And Wife
The Buddha’s Advice To A Couple
The Past
Modern Society
Parental Responsibilities
Duties Of Parents
Parents In Modern Society
Parental Control
Divorce
Responsibility Towards The Children
Buddhist ViewsFamily Planning
Test-Tube BabiesPremarital Sex
Sexual Misconduct
Irresponsible Sexual BehaviourWhat Is Celibacy?
Significance Of Celibacy
Celibacy Versus Responsibility
The Buddha's Experience
FOREWORD
From time immemorial, man has been preoccupied with the pursuit of happiness in life, from the cradle to the grave. He works and struggles very hard to attain happiness, very often without knowing exactly what happiness means because of his ignorance of the nature of life. Although all religions provide advice and guidelines for their adherents to practise in order to attain happiness in life, more often than not, these advices and guidelines are ignored owing to man's craving, hatred and illusion. Many people who experienced frustrations and sufferings hope and pray to find happiness for present life and here after, others, though enjoying a large measure of happiness on earth, are still not contented and crave for eternal bliss in heaven after leaving this world. For the ordinary man, as for the child, it is difficult to make a distinction between happiness and pleasure. To him, that which gives pleasure gives happiness, and to be happy is to experience pleasure.
Very often, we consider childhood days to be a period of happiness. In reality, as children we do not understand what happiness is. Under - the protection of our parents, we pass our days in a perpetual round of enjoyment which undoubtedly gives us pleasure. As we enter adolescence, changes take place in the mind and physical body causing us to become aware of the existence of the opposite sex and we begin to experience a new kind of attraction giving rise to disturbing emotions. At the same time, curiosity drives us to find out about the facts of life, through peer discussion and book reading. Before long, we find ourselves on the threshold of adulthood, the crucial time in our life when we look for a suitable life-partner to begin a relationship that will put to the test all the qualities that we have acquired earlier in life. Love, sex, and marriage then become matters of great importance that will determine the quality of the married life we will have.
Young people today are exposed to a large variety of "Western" influences which are disseminated through the mass media such as books and magazines, television, video cassettes and movies, resulting in the acquisition of distorted ideas regarding love, sex, and marriage. The age-old "Eastern" moral virtues and values are being gradually eroded in the face of these influences. Practices unheard of and never carried out by the older generation have become commonplace among young people today. Are the "Western" influences really responsible for this state of affairs or should the parents be blamed for the misdeeds of their children for not exercising proper control and supervision over them? In this book, it is explained that most television programmes and movies do not represent the way most decent people in the West think or behave and that there is a vast "silent majority" of decent couples who are as deeply religious and "conservative" about love, sex, and marriage as any "Eastern" couple. If young people want to ape the West, they are advised to ape this `silent majority' who are no different from their decent neighbour who lives next door to them.
Modern life is fraught with all kinds of tension and stress. Doubtless, very often it is tension and stress that creates problems in many a marriage. If a proper analysis is made into the root causes of such social problems as pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancies, unhappy marriages and divorces, child-abuse and wife-battering, we inevitably discover that it is due mainly to selfishness and lack of patience, tolerance and mutual understanding. In the Sigalovada Sutta, the Buddha gives good advice on how to maintain peace and harmony in the home between husband and wife in order to achieve a happy married life. Parental responsibilities for children and the children's duties towards parents are also clearly mentioned in the Sutta as useful guidelines for the attainment of a happy home. In this book, the Ven. Author stresses the important point that marriage is a partnership of two individuals and that this partnership is enriched and enhanced when it allows the personalities involved to grow. In the Buddhist perspective, marriage means understanding and respecting each other's beliefs and privacy. The present time is most opportune for a book of this nature to be published to provide the followers of the Buddhist religion, in particular the young, with a clear understanding of life's important matters like love, sex and marriage which will not only help them to live a happy married life but also assist them to lead peaceful and contented lives.
From the Buddhist point of view, marriage is neither holy nor unholy. Buddhism does not regard marriage as a religious duty nor as sacrament that is ordained in heaven. A cynic has said that while some people believe that, marriage is planned in heaven, others say that, it is recorded in hell also! Marriage is basically a personal and social obligation, it is not compulsory. Man and woman must have freedom either to get married or to remain single. This does not mean that Buddhism is against marriage. Nobody in this world would say that marriage is bad and there is no religion which is against marriage.
Practically all living things come into being as a result of sex life. Among human beings, the institution of marriage has come about so that, society guarantees the perpetuation of the human species and also ensures that the young would be cared for. This is based on the argument that children born through the pleasure of sex must be the responsibility of the partners involved, at least until they have grown up. And marriage ensures that this responsibility is upheld and carried out.
A society grows through a network of relationships which are mutually inter-twined and inter-dependent. Every relationship is a whole-hearted commitment to support and to protect others in a group or community. Marriage plays a very important part in this strong web of relationships of giving support and protection. A good marriage should grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse, from true loyalty and not just sheer indulgence. The institution of marriage provides a fine basis for the development of culture, a delightful association of two individuals to be nurtured and to be free from loneliness, deprivation and fear. In marriage, each partner develops a complementary role, giving strength and moral courage to one another, each manifesting a supportive and appreciative recognition of the other's skill in caring and providing for a family. There must be no thought of either man or woman being superior - each is complementary to the other; marriage is a partnership of equality, gentleness, generosity, calm and dedication.
In Buddhism, one can find all the necessary advice which can help one to lead a happy married life. One should not neglect the advice given by the Enlightened Teacher if one really wants to lead a happy married life. In His discourses, the Buddha gave various kinds of advice for married couples and for those who are contemplating marriage. The Buddha has said, "If a man can find a suitable and understanding wife and a woman can find a suitable and understanding husband, both are fortunate indeed'".
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2. THE NATURE OF LOVE AND PLEASURE
Love
There are different kinds of love, and these are variously expressed as motherly love, brotherly love, sensual love, emotional love, sexual love, selfish love, selfless love and universal love.
If people develop only their carnal or selfish love towards each other, that type of love cannot last long. In a true love relationship, one should not ask how much one can get, but how much one can give.
When beauty, complexion and youth start to fade away, a husband who considers only the physical aspects of love may think of acquiring another young one. That type of love is animal love or lust. If a man really develops love as an expression of human concern for another being, he will not lay emphasis only on the external beauty and physical attractiveness of his partner. The beauty and attractiveness of his partner should be in his heart and mind, not in what he sees. Likewise, the wife who follows Buddhist teachings will never neglect her husband even though he has become old, poor or sick.
"I have a fear that the modern girl loves to be Juliet to have a dozen Romeos. She loves adventure... The modern girl dresses not to protect herself from wind, rain and sun, but to attract attention. She improves upon nature by painting herself and looking extraordinary." - (Gandhi)
Sex
Sex by itself is not "evil", although the temptation and craving for it invariably disturbs the peace of mind, and hence is not conducive to spiritual development.
In the ideal situation, sex is the physical culmination of a deeply satisfying emotional relationship, where both partners give and take equally.
The portrayal of love by commercial groups through the mass media in what we call "western" culture is not "real" love. When an animal wants to have sex, it shows its "love", but after having experienced sex, it just forgets about love. For animals, sex is just an instinctive drive necessary for procreation. But a human being has much more to offer in the concept of love. Duties and responsibilities are important ingredients to maintain unity, harmony and understanding in a relationship between human beings.
Sex is not the most important ingredient for happiness in a married life. Those who have become, slaves to sex would only ruin love and humanity in marriage. Apart from that, a woman must cease to consider herself as the object of a man's lust. The remedy is more in her hand than in a man's. She must refuse to adorn herself simply to please a man, even if he is her husband. If she wants to be an equal partner with a man, she should dress so that her dignity is enhanced, and she does not become a sex symbol. "Marriage for the satisfaction of the sexual appetite is no marriage. It is oncupiscence." -- (Gandhi)
Love may indeed be a product of sex, but the reverse is likewise true: sex is an expression of love. In the ideally happy married life, both love and sex are inseparable.
The Buddha's Explanation
We can study the Buddha's teaching regarding the feelings that man and woman have for each other. The Buddha says that he had never seen any object in this world which attracts man's attention more than the figure of a woman. At the same time the main attraction for the woman is the figure of a man. It means that by nature, woman and man give each other worldly pleasure. They cannot gain happiness of this kind from any other object. When we observe very carefully, we notice that among all the things which provide pleasure, there is no other object that can please all the five senses at the same time beside the male and female figures.
The ancient Greeks knew this when they said that originally man and woman were one. They were separated and the two parts that were divided are constantly seeking to be re-united as man and woman.
Pleasure
Young people by nature like to indulge in worldly pleasures which can include both good and bad things. Good things, like the enjoyment of music, poetry, dance, good food, dress and similar pursuits do no harm to the body. They only distract us from seeing the fleeting nature and uncertainty of existence and thereby delay our being able to perceive the true nature of the self.
The faculties and senses of young people are very fresh and alert; they are very keen to satisfy all the five senses. Almost everyday, they plan and think out ways and means to experience some form of pleasure. By the very nature of existence, one will never be completely satisfied with whatever pleasure one experiences and the resultant craving in turn only creates more anxieties and worries.
When one ceases to crave for sensual pleasure and does not seek to find physical comfort in the company of others, the need for marriage does not arise. Suffering and worldly enjoyment are both the outcome of craving, attachment and emotion. If we try to control and suppress our emotions by adopting unrealistic tactics we create disturbances in our mind and in our physical body. Therefore we must know how to handle and control our human passion. Without abusing or misusing this passion, we can tame our desires through proper understanding.
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3. THE REALITY OF MARRIED LIFE
John J. Robinson in his book "Of Suchness" gives the following advice on love, sex and married life. "Be careful and discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have the right mate, it's heavenly; but if not, you live in a twenty-four-hour daily hell that clings constantly to you, it can be one of the bitterest things in life. Life is indeed strange. Somehow, when you find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just an infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a young person headlong into blind acts and one cannot trust his feelings too much. This is especially true if one drinks and get befuddled; the lousiest slut in a dark bar can look like a Venus then, and her charms become irresistible. Love is much more than sex though; it is the biological foundation between a man and a woman; love and sex get all inter-twined and mixed up".
Problems
Almost everyday, we hear people complaining about their marriages. Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage. Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated and' people must remember that when they are getting married, they will have to face problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or experienced hitherto.
People often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonise their lives by minimising whatever differences they may have between them. Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.
Sharing and Trust
One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Marriage is a blessing but many people make it a curse due to lack of understanding.
Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealously, jealousy generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation, suicide or even murder.
If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console each other and minimize their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure. There will be a lot of painful, miserable experiences that they will have to face. They must have the strong willpower to reduce their burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems will give them confidence to live together with better understanding.
Man and woman need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The feelings of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share another's burden.
Blinded by Emotions
When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to project a good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind and hence people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker side of each other's natures.
In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling qualities to the other; and being so engrossed in love, they tend to accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the carpet, so to speak, so as not to jeopardise their chances of winning each other. People in love also tend to ignore their partner's faults thinking that they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live with these faults, that "love will conquer all".
However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off, the true nature of each other's character will be revealed. Then, much to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil that had so far been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is removed to expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion sets in.
Material Needs
Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine alone. The present world is a materialistic world and in order to meet your material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential. Without it, no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly bears out the saying that "when poverty knocks at the door, love flies through the window". This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage work. However, if one has the bare necessities of life provided through a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties can be removed from a marriage.
The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our problems" and share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing life partnership.
Pre-marriage Advice
The Anguttara Nikaya contains some valuable advice which the Buddha gave to young girls prior to their marriage. Realising that there could be difficulties with the new in-laws, the girls were enjoined to give every respect to their mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law, serving them lovingly as their own parents. They were expected to honour and respect their husband's relatives and friends, thus creating a congenial and happy atmosphere in their new homes.
They were also advised to study and understand their husbands' natures, ascertain their activities, characters and temperaments, and to be useful and cooperative at all times in their new homes. They should be polite, kind and watchful of their husbands' earnings and see to it that all household expenditures were properly administered. The advice given by the Buddha more than twenty-five centuries ago is still valid even today.
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4. THE BUDDHIST CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE
In view of what has been said about "birth and suffering", some people have criticised Buddhism saying that it is against married life. They are wrong. The Buddha never spoke against married life. However, he pointed out all the problems, difficulties and worries that people would have to face when they take on the responsibility of marriage. Just because he warned one against problems in marriage does not mean that the Buddha condemned marriage.
The act of marriage itself implies that a person is still more attached to the physical world and since our mental faculties are influenced by craving, attachment and human emotions, it is but natural that problems would arise. This happens when we have to consider the needs of others and to give in to what others need.
Role of Religion
A deep analysis of the nature of self is important to help us to understand the origin of our problems, worries, miseries and how to overcome them. Here, religious advice is important for maintaining a tranquil life. However, a man should not become a slave to any religion. Man is not for religion, religion is for man. That means man must know how to make use of religion for his betterment and for his happiness in a respectable way. Simply by following certain religious vows, precepts or commandments with blind faith or by force, thinking that we are duty-bound to observe them will not develop proper understanding.
One important aspect of Buddhism is that the Buddha did not impose any religious laws or commandments. The Buddha was a unique teacher who had set out a number of disciplinary codes for us to uphold according to our way of life. Those who follow the precepts observe them voluntarily but not as obligatory religious laws. It is up to us to follow the advice through our own understanding and experience of what is good for us and for others. Through trial and error, we will learn to follow the advice which will give us just peace and happiness.
One should try to understand the nature of the worldly life: By knowing that you have to face problems, you will be able to strengthen your mind and be more prepared to face the problems that could arise if you get married. Religion is important to help you overcome your problems. Whatever you learnt about religious principles when you were young can be adopted to avoid misunderstanding, disappointment and frustration. At the same time, certain good qualities such as patience and understanding which we learned through religion are important assets to help us to lead a peaceful married life.
Normally, it is due to a lack of mutual understanding that many married couples lead miserable lives. The result of this is that their innocent children also have to suffer. It is better to know how to handle your problems in order to lead a happy married life. Religion can help you to do this.
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Individual Rights
One of the causes of greatest concern among those who do not belong to the non-Semitic religions is the problem of conversion before marriage. While Buddhists and Hindus never demand that a couple must belong to the same religion before a marriage can be solemnized, many others tend to take advantage of this tolerance.
Marriage, contrary to what many romantic novels say, does not mean the total and absolute merging of two people to the extent that each loses his or her own identity. When a religion demands that both partners must have the same religious label, it denies the basic human right of an individual to believe what he or she wants. Societies throughout history have proved that "Unity in Diversity" is not only possible but also desirable. Out of diversity comes greater respect and understanding. This should apply to marriage also. There are many living examples all over the world where the husband and wife maintain their own beliefs and yet are able to maintain their happy married life without confronting each other.
Buddhists do not oppose the existence of other religions even within the same household. Unfortunately this generous attitude has been exploited by unscrupulous religionists who are out to gain converts by all means.
Intelligent Buddhists must be aware of this stratagem. No self-respecting intelligent human being who really understands what he believes according to his own conviction should give up his beliefs merely to satisfy the man-made demands of another religion. Buddhists do not demand that their partners embrace Buddhism. Neither should they surrender their own beliefs.
Post-marriage Blues
When young people are in love, they are prepared to make many sacrifices so long as they can get married. But after a few years, when the real task of building a successful marriage begins, frustrations begin to set in. When a partner who had given up his deep-seated religious beliefs for "love" begins to regret having done so, unnecessary misunderstandings arise: These provide added tensions at a period when there is boredom in a marriage. There will be quarrels. And normally, one of the main causes of these quarrels will be the question of which .religion the children should belong to.
Therefore, it is most important for one to know that if there is a process of conversion involved, it must be based on true conviction and not mere convenience or compulsion. Buddhism maintains the freedom of the individual to choose. This principle should be respected by all.
The Ceremony
There is no specific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a marriage. Buddhism recognises the traditions and cultures practised by people in different countries. Hence, Buddhist religious ceremonies differ from one country to another.
In general practice, a religious service for blessing and to give advice to the couple is customarily performed either in the temple or at home to give a greater significance to the marriage. Nowadays, in many countries, besides the blessing service, religious organizations also have been given the authority to solemnise and register marriages together with .the issuance of legal marriage certificates.
By and large, the most important point is that the couple should be utterly sincere in their intention to cooperate with and understand each other not only during times of happiness but also whenever they face difficulties.
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6. SECURITY, RESPECT AND RESPONSIBILITIES
Sense of Insecurity
In the past, there was no such thing as a legal registration of marriages. A man and woman mutually decided to accept each other as husband and wife and thereafter they lived together. Their marriage was carried out in the presence of the community, and separation was rare. The most important thing was that they developed real love and respected their mutual responsibilities.
A legal registration of marriage is important today to ensure security and to safeguard property and children. Due to the sense of insecurity, a couple performs legal marriages to ensure that they are legally bound not to neglect their duties and not to ill-treat each other. Today, some couples even draw up a legal contract on what would happen to their property if they were divorced!
Husband and Wife
According to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the husband can expect the following qualities from his wife:
- love
- attentiveness
- family obligations
- faithfulness
- child-care
- thrift
- the provision of meals
- to calm him down when he is upset
- sweetness in everythingIn return, the wife's expectation from the husband is:
- tenderness
- courtesy
- sociability
- security
- fairness
- loyalty
- honesty
- good companionship
- moral supportApart from these emotional and sensual aspects, the couple will have to take care of day-today living conditions, family budget and social obligations. Thus, mutual consultations between the husband and wife on all family problems would help to create an atmosphere of trust and understanding in resolving whatever issues that may arise.
The Buddha's Advice to a Couple
1) The Wife
In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha appreciated that the peace and harmony of a home rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and practical when he explained a good number of day-to-day characteristics which a woman should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha counselled that a wife should:
- not harbour evil thoughts against her husband;
- not be cruel, harsh or domineering;
- not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
- guard and save her husband's hard-earned earnings and property;
- always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
- be faithful and harbour no thought of any adulterous acts;
- be refined in speech and polite in action;
- be kind, industrious and hardworking;
- be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband and her attitude should equate that of a mother's love and concern for the protection of her only son;
- be modest and respectful;
- be cool, calm and understanding - serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and advisor when the need arises.In the days of the Buddha, other religious teachers also spoke on the duties and obligations of a wife towards her husband - stressing particularly on the duty of a wife bearing an off-spring for the husband, rendering faithful service and providing conjugal happiness.
Some communities are very particular about having a son in the family. They believe that a son is necessary to perform their funeral rites so that their after-life will be a good one. The failure to get a son from the first wife, gives a man the liberty to have another wife in order to get a son. Buddhism does not support this belief.
According to what the Buddha taught about the law of Karma, one is responsible for one's own action and its consequences. Whether a son or a daughter is born is determined not by a father or mother but the karma of the child. And the well-being of a father or grandfather does not depend upon the action of the son or grandson. Each is responsible for his own actions. So, it is wrong for men to blame their wives or for a man to feel inadequate when a son is not born. Such Enlightened Teachings help to correct the views of many people and naturally reduce the anxiety of women who are unable to produce sons to perform the "rites of the ancestors".
Although the duties of a wife towards the husband were laid down in the Confucian code of discipline, it did not stress the duties and obligations of the husband towards the wife. In the Sigalovada Sutta however, the Buddha clearly mentioned the duties of a husband towards the wife and vice versa.
2) The Husband
The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife, declared that the husband should always honour and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five centuries ago, still stands good for today.
Knowing the psychology of the man who tends to consider himself superior, the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the status of a woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should honour and respect his wife. A husband should be faithful to his wife, which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain his marital obligations to his wife thus sustaining the confidence in the marital relationship in every sense of the word. The husband, being a bread-winner, would invariably stay away from home, hence he should entrust the domestic or household duties to the wife who should be considered as the keeper and the distributor of the property and the home economic-administrator. The provision of befitting ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband's love, care and attention showered on the wife. This symbolic practice has been carried out from time immemorial in Buddhist communities. Unfortunately it is in danger of dying out because of the influence of modern civilization.
The Past
In the past, since the social structure of most communities was different from that we find today, a husband and wife were interdependent on each other. There was mutual understanding, and the relationship was stable because each knew exactly what his or her role was in the partnership. The `love' that some husbands and wives try to show others by embracing each other in public does not necessarily indicate true love or understanding. In the past, although married couples did not express their love or inner feeling publicly, they had a deep even unspoken understanding and mutual respect for each other.
The ancient customs which people had in certain countries that the wife must sacrifice her life after her husband's death and also the custom which prevents a widow from remarrying is foreign to Buddhism. Buddhism does not regard a wife as being inferior to a husband.
Modern Society
Some women feel that for them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is degrading and conservative. It is true that in the past women had been treated very badly, but this was due more to the ignorance on the part of men than the inherent weakness in the concept of depending on women to bring up children.
Women have been struggling for ages to gain equality with men in the field of education, the professions, politics and other avenues. They are now at par with men to a great extent. The male generally tends to be aggressive by nature and the female more emotional. In the domestic scene, particularly in the East, the male is more dominant as head of the family whilst the female tends to remain as passive partner. Please remember, "passive" here does not mean "weak". Rather it is a positive quality of "softness" and "gentleness". If man and woman maintain their masculine and feminine qualities inherited from nature and recognise their respective strengths, then, that attitude can contribute towards a congenial mutual understanding between the sexes.
Gandhi's remarks:
"I believe in the proper education of woman. But do believe that woman will not make her contribution to the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the race, but she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by mimicking man. She has to be the complement of man".
Parental Responsibilities
The basis of all human society is the intricate relationship between parent and child. A mother's duty is to love, care and protect the child, even at extreme cost. This is the self-sacrificing love that the Buddha taught. It is practical, caring and generous and it is selfless. Buddhists are taught that parents should care for the child as the earth cares for all the plants and creatures.
Parents are responsible for the well-being and up-bringing of their children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen, it is the result of parents' efforts. If the child grows up to be a ,delinquent, parents must bear the responsibility. One must not blame others or society if children go astray. It is the duty of parents to guide children on the proper path.
A child, at its most impressionable age, needs the tender love, care and attention of parents. Without parental love and guidance, a child will be handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live in. However, showering parental love, care and attention does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering would spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love and care, should also be strict and firm in handling the tantrums of a child. Being strict and firm does not mean being harsh to the child. Show your love, but temper it with a disciplined hand - the child will understand.
Unfortunately, amongst present-day parents, parental love is sadly lacking. The mad rush for material advancement, the liberation movements and the aspiration for equality, have resulted in many mothers joining their husbands, spending their working hours in offices and shops, rather than remaining at home tending to their off-spring. The children, left to the care of relations or paid servants, are bewildered on being denied tender motherly love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about her lack of attention, tries to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of demands from the child. Such an action spoils the child. Providing the child with all sorts of modern toys such as tanks, machine guns, pistols, swords and such like equipment as an appeasement is not psychologically good.
Loading a child with such toys is no substitute for a mother's tender love and affections. Devoid of parental affection and guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows up to be a delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up a wayward child? The parents of course! The working mother, especially after a hard day's work in an office to be followed by household chores, can hardly find time for the child that is yearning for her care and attention. Parents who have no time for their children should not complain when these same children have no time for them when they are old. Parents who claim that they spend a lot of money on their children but are too busy should not complain when their "busy" children in turn leave them in expensive Homes for the Aged!
Most women work today so that the family can enjoy more material benefits. They should seriously consider Gandhi's advice for men to seek freedom from greed rather than freedom from need. Of course, given today's economic set-up we cannot deny that some mothers are forced to work. In such a case, the father and mother must make extra sacrifices of their time to compensate for what their children miss when they are away. If both parents spend their non-working hours at home with their children, there will be greater understanding between parents and children.
In his discourses, the Buddha has listed certain primary duties and functions as essential guide-lines for parents to observe. One of the primary guide-lines is, by precept, practice and action, to lead the children away from things that are evil and through gentle persuasion, to guide them to do all that is good for the family, for society and for the country. In this connection, parents would have to exercise great care in dealing with their children. It is not what the parents profess but what they really are and do, that the child absorbs unconsciously and lovingly. The child's entry to the world is moulded by emulating parental behaviour. It follows that good begets good and evil begets evil. Parents who spend much time with their children will subtly transmit their characteristics to their offspring.
Duties of Parents
It is the duty of parents to see to the welfare of their children. In fact the dutiful and loving parents shoulder the responsibilities with pleasure. To lead children on the right path, parents should first set the example and lead ideal lives. It is almost impossible to expect worthy children from unworthy parents. Apart from the Karmic tendencies children inherit from previous births, they invariably inherit the defects and virtues of parents too. Responsible parents should take every precaution not to transmit undesirable, tendencies to their progeny.
According to the Sigalovada Sutta, there are five duties that should be performed by parents:
1) The first duty is to dissuade children from evil.
Home is the first school, and parents are the first teachers. Children usually take elementary lessons in good and evil from their parents. Careless parents directly or indirectly impart an elementary knowledge of lying, cheating, dishonesty, slandering, revenge, shamelessness and fearlessness for evil and immoral activities to their children during childhood days.
Parents should show exemplary conduct and should not transmit such vices into their children's impressionable minds.
2) The second duty is to persuade them to do good.
Parents are the teachers at home; teachers are the parents in school. Both parents and teachers are responsible for the future well-being of the children, who become what they are made into. They are, and they will be, what the adults are. They sit at the feet of the adults during their impressionable age. They imbibe what they impart. They follow in their footsteps. They are influenced by their thoughts, words and deeds. As such it is the duty of the parents to create the most congenial atmosphere both at home and in the school.
Simplicity, obedience, co-operation, unity, courage, self-sacrifice, honesty, straightforwardness, service, self-reliance, kindness, thrift, contentment, good manners, religious zeal and other kindred virtues should be inculcated in their juvenile minds by degrees. Seeds so planted will eventually grow into fruit-laden trees.
3) The third duty is to give the children a good education.
A decent education is the best legacy that parents can bequeath to their children. A more valuable treasure there is not. It is the best blessing that parents could confer on their children.
Education should be imparted to them, preferably from youth, in a religious atmosphere. This has far-reaching effects on their lives.
4) The fourth duty is to see that they are married to suitable individuals.
Marriage is a solemn act that pertains to the whole lifetime; this union should be one that cannot be dissolved easily. Hence, marriage has to be viewed from every angle and in all its aspects to the satisfaction of all parties before the wedding.
According to Buddhist culture, duty supercedes rights. Let both parties be not adamant, but use their wise discretion and come to an amicable settlement. Otherwise, there will be mutual cursing and other repercussions. More often than not the infection is transmitted to progeny as well.
5) The last duty is to hand over to them, at the proper time, their inheritance.
Parents not only love and tend their children as long as they are still in their custody, but also make preparations for their future comfort and happiness. They hoard up treasures at personal discomfort and ungrudgingly give them as a legacy to their children.
The Religion of Compassion
Buddhism is the religion of compassion, and the parents should never forget to present it to the children as such. The Buddha taught the Dhamma out of compassion for the world. Parents should practise the "Four Sublime States of Mind" taught by the Buddha in raising their children. They are:
Metta - loving-kindness or goodwill
Karuna - compassion
Mudita - sympathetic joy
Upekkha - "equanimity" or "even-mindedness"These four states, well practised will help parents remain calm throughout the difficult period of child-rearing.
This is the right or ideal way of conduct towards living beings. These four attitudes of mind provide the framework for all situations arising from social contact. They are the great removers of tension, the great peacemakers in social conflict, the great healers of wounds suffered in the struggle for existence; levellers of social barriers, builders of harmonious communities, awakeners of slumbering magnanimity long forgotten, revivers of joy and hope long abandoned, promoters of human brotherhood against the forces of egotism.
Perhaps the greatest challenge that a married couple has to face is the proper upbringing of a child. This is another aspect which distinguishes us from animals. While an animal does care for its offspring with great devotion, a human parent has a greater responsibility, which is the nurturing of the mind. The Buddha has said that the greatest challenge a man faces is to tame the mind. Ever since a child is born, from infancy through adolescence to maturity, a parent is primarily responsible for the development of a child's mind. Whether a person becomes a useful citizen or not depends mainly on the extent to which its mind has been developed. In Buddhism, a good parent can practise four great virtues to sustain him or her and to overcome the great frustrations which are so closely related with parenthood.
When a child is yet a toddler, unable to express its needs, it is quite prone to indulge in tantrums and crying. A parent who practises the first virtue of loving kindness can maintain peace within herself or himself to continue to love the child while it is being so difficult. A child who enjoys the effects of this loving kindness will himself learn to radiate it spontaneously.
As the child becomes more mature as an adolescent, parents should practise Karuna or Compassion towards him. Adolescence is a very difficult time for children. They are coming to terms with adulthood and therefore are rebellious, with a great deal of their anger and frustrations directed at their parents. With the practise of Compassion, parents will understand that this rebelliousness is a natural part of growing up and that children do not mean to hurt their parents willfully. A child who has enjoyed loving kindness and compassion will himself become a better person. Having not had hate directed at him, he will only radiate love and compassion towards others.
Just before he becomes an adult, a child will probably meet with-some success in examinations and other activities outside the home. This is the time for parents to practise sympathetic joy. Too many parents in modern society use their children to compete with their associates. They want their children to do well for selfish reasons; it is all because they want others to think well of them. By practising sympathetic joy, a parent will rejoice in the success and happiness of his or her child with no ulterior motive. He is happy simply because his child is happy! A child who has been exposed to the effects of sympathetic joy will himself become a person who does not envy others and who is not overly competitive. Such a person will have no room in his heart for selfishness, greed or hatred.
When a child has reached adulthood and has a career and family of his own, his parents should practise the last great virtue of equanimity (Upekkha). This is .one of the most difficult things for Asian parents to practise. It is hard for them to allow their children to. become independent in their own right. When parents practise equanimity, they will not interfere with the affairs of their children and not be selfish in demanding more time and attention than the children can give. Young adults in the modern society have many problems. An understanding parent of a young couple should not impose extra burdens by making unnecessary demands on them. Most importantly, elderly parents should try not to make their married children feel guilty by making them feel that they have neglected their filial obligations. If parents practise equanimity they will remain serene in their old age and thereby earn the respect of the younger generation.
When parents practise these four virtues towards their children, the children will respond favourably and a pleasant atmosphere will prevail at home. A home where there is loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity will be a happy home. Children who grow up under such an environment will grow up to be understanding, compassionate, willing workers and considerate employers. This is the greatest legacy any parent can give to his child.
Parents in Modern Society
One of the saddest things about modern society is the lack of parental love which children in highly industrialized countries suffer from. When a couple gets married, they usually plan to have a number of children. And once the child is born, parents are morally obliged to care for him to the best of their ability. Parents are responsible to see that a child is not only satisfied materially; the spiritual and psychological aspects are very important too.
The provision of material comfort is of secondary importance when compared to the provision of parental love and attention. We know of many parents from the not-so-well-to-do families who have brought up their children well and with plenty of love. On the other hand, many rich families have provided every material comfort for their children but have deprived them of parental love. Such children will just grow up devoid of any psychological and moral development.
A mother should consider carefully whether she should continue to be a working mother or a housewife giving all the affection and care for the well-being of her growing child. (Strangely, some modern mothers are also being trained to handle guns and other deadly equipments when they should be cuddling their children and training them to be good and law-abiding citizens.)
The modern trend and attitude of working mothers towards their children also tends to erode the time-honoured filial piety which children are expected to shower on their parents. The replacement of breast-feeding by bottle feeding could also be another factor which has contributed to the erosion of the affection between mother and child. When mothers breast-feed and cuddle babies in their arms, the tender affection between mother and child is much greater and the influence the mother had on the child for its well-being, is much more pronounced. Under such circumstances, filial piety, family cohesion and obedience are invariably present. These traditional traits are for the good and well-being of the child. It is up to the parents, especially the mother, to provide them. The mother is responsible for the child's being good or wayward. Mothers can reduce delinquency!
Parental Control
Many parents try to keep their married children under their control. They do not give due freedom to them and tend to interfere with a young married couple's life. When parents try to control their married son or married daughter and want them to follow their way of life strictly, this will create a lot bf misunderstanding between the two generations as well as unhappiness between the couple. Parents may be doing it in good faith due to love and attachment towards the children, but in so doing, they are inviting more problems to themselves and to the children.
Parents must allow their children to shoulder the responsibilities of their own lives and families. For example: if some seeds are dropped under a tree, plants might grow after sometime. But if you want those plants to grow healthy and independent you must transplant them to open ground somewhere else to grow separately, so that they are not hampered by the shade of the parent tree.
Parents should not neglect the ancient wisdom based on advice given by religious teachers, wise people and elders who have developed a knowledge of the world through their own trial and errors.
Divorce
Divorce is a controversial issue among the followers of different religions. Some people believe that marriage is already recorded in heaven, thus it is not right to grant a divorce. But, if a husband and wife really cannot live together, instead of leading a miserable life and harbouring more jealousy, anger and hatred, they should have the liberty to separate and live peacefully.
Responsibility Towards The Children
However, the separation of the couple must be done in an atmosphere of understanding by adopting reasonable solutions and not by creating more hatred. If a couple has children, they should try to make the divorce less traumatic for the children and help them to adjust to the new situation. And it is most important to ensure that their future and welfare will be taken care of. It is an inhuman attitude if the couple desert their children and allow them to lead a miserable life.
The Buddhist View
In Buddhism, there is no law stating that a husband and wife should not be separated if they cannot live together harmoniously. But, if people follow the advice given by the Buddha to fulfill their duties towards each other, then, such unfortunate occurrences like divorce or separation will never happen in the first place.
In the past, where religious values were highly respected, there were greater efforts on the part of married couples - in the east as well as in west -to reach an amicable understanding to develop happy relationships based on respect, love, and regard for one another. Couples developed and made their marriages an important feature which they cherished in their hearts. Divorce cases were very rare, and were considered a disgrace because they indicated the selfishness of one party or the other.
It is a fact that until recently divorce cases were still rather rare in Buddhist countries. This is mainly because couples considered their duties and obligations towards each other, and also basically divorce is not approved by the community as a whole. In many cases, when married couples were in trouble, the community elders usually rallied round and played an important role to improve the situation.
Unfortunately, in the modern society of today, divorce has become such a common practice. 1n certain countries it has even become fashionable. Instead of regarding divorce as shameful or a failure -to order their lives, sortie young couples seem to be proud of it. The main cause of the failure in marriage in modern society is the abuse of freedom and too much independence and individualism on the- part of the partners. There must be a limit to their independent lives, or else both husband and wife will go astray very easily.
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To the question of whether Buddhists can keep more than one wife, the direct answer is not available in the Buddha's teaching, because as mentioned earlier, the Buddha did not lay down any religious laws with regard to married life although he has given valuable advice on how to lead a respectable married life.
Tradition, culture and the way of life as recognised by the majority of a particular country must also be considered when we practise certain things pertaining to our lives. Some religions say that a man can have only one wife whilst others say a man can have more than one wife.
Although the Buddha did not mention anything regarding the number of wives a man could have, he explicitly mentioned in His discourses that should a married man go to another woman out of wedlock, that could become the cause of his own downfall and he would have to face numerous other problems and disturbances.
The Buddha's way of teaching is just to explain the situation and the consequences. People can think for themselves as to why certain things are good and certain things are bad. The Buddha did not lay down rules about how many wives a man should or should not have which people are forced to follow. However, if the laws of a country stipulate that marriages must be monogamous, then such laws must be complied with, because the Buddha was explicit about His followers respecting the laws of a country, if those laws were beneficial to all.
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Family Planning
Some religions are not in favour of family planning. Buddhism does not interfere in this personal choice. Man is at liberty to follow any method in order to prevent conception. According to Buddhism, certain physical and mental conditions must be present for conception to take place. When any one of these conditions is absent (like when family planning is being practised), no conception takes place, therefore a life does not come into being. But after conception, abortion is NOT acceptable in Buddhism because it means taking away a life that is already present in the form of foetus.
Test-tube Babies
Some people are interested in the moral implication or religious attitude with regard to test-tube babies. If a woman is unable to conceive a baby in the normal way, and if she is anxious to have a baby by adopting modern medical methods, there is no ground in Buddhism to say that it is either immoral or irreligious. Religions must give due credit to man's intelligence and to accommodate new medical discoveries if they are harmless and beneficial to mankind. As was mentioned earlier, so long as the conditions are right, conception can be allowed to take place, naturally or artificially.
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Premarital Sex
Premarital sex is a problem which is much discussed in modern society. Many young people would like to know the opinion regarding this sensitive issue. Some religionists say it can be considered as committing adultery, while others say it is immoral and unjustifiable.
In the past, young boys and girls were not allowed by their parents to move around freely until they were married. Their marriages were also arranged and organised by the parents. Of course, this did cause unhappiness in some cases when parents chose partners on the basis of money, social status, family obligations and related issues. But generally, the majority of parents did try very hard to choose partners who would be acceptable to their children.
Today, young people are at the liberty to go out and find their own partners. They have a lot of freedom and independence in their lives. This is not a bad thing in itself, but some of these people are just too young and too immature to see the difference between sexual attraction and true compatibility. That is why the problem of premarital sex arises.
Too much laxity in matters concerning sex has also given rise to social problems in modern society. The sad part is that some societies do not express liberal attitudes towards unmarried mothers, illegitimate children and the divorcees while they are quite liberal about free sex. As a result, young people are being punished by the same society which encourages free mixing of the sexes. They become social outcasts and suffer much shame and humiliation. Many young girls have become victims of their own freedom and have ruined their future by violating age-old traditions which were valued in the east as well as in the west.
Pre-marital sex is a modern development which has come about as a result of excessive social freedom prevalent amongst present day young people. Whilst Buddhism holds no strong views either for or against such action, it is thought that all Buddhists, particularly people of both sexes in love and contemplating marriage, should adhere to the age-old traditional concept that they maintain chastity until the nuptial date. The human mind is unstable and forever changing with the result that and' illicit action or indiscretion may cause undue harm to either party if the legal marriage does not take place as expected. It must be remembered that any form of sexual indulgence before a proper marriage is solemnised will be looked down upon by the elders who are the guardians of the young people.
Sexual Misconduct
Laymen are advised in the Buddha's Teaching to avoid sexual misconduct. That means, if one wants to experience sex, he must do so without creating any violence or by using any kind of force, threat, or causing fear. A decent sex life which respects the other partner is not against this religion; it accepts the fact that it is a necessity for those who are not yet ready to renounce the worldly life.
According to Buddhism, those who are involved in extra-marital sex with someone who is already married, who has been betrothed to someone else, and also with those who are under the protection of their parents or guardians are said to be guilty of sexual misconduct, because there is a rupture of social norms, where a third party is being made to suffer as a result of the selfishness of one or the other partner.
Irresponsible Sexual Behaviour
The Buddha also mentioned the consequences that an elderly man would have to face if he married without considering the compatibility of age of the other party. According to the Buddha, irresponsible sexual behaviour can become the cause of one's downfall in many aspects of life.
All the nations of the world have clearly defined laws concerning the abuse of sex. Here again, Buddhism advocates that a person must respect and obey the law of the country if the laws are made for the common good.
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The following are extracts from a book by the celebrated Japanese author - Dr. Nikkyo Niwano. In his book "The Richer Life", Dr. Niwano deals with matters relating to love and marriage, both from the Eastern and Western points of view.
"In the West, marriage on the basis of romantic love has often been considered natural and sometimes ideal. In Asia, in recent years, the number of young people who abandon the traditional arranged marriage and select partners out of romantic consideration has been growing. But in some cases, romantic marriages lead to separation and unhappiness within a short time, whereas the arranged marriage often produces a couple who live and work together in contentment and happiness.
"In spite of its emotional appeal, all romantic marriages cannot be called unqualified successes. Romantic love is like the bright flame of a wood fire that leaps up and burns clear, but lasts only a short time. Love between man and wife burns quietly and slowly like the warming fire of burning coal. Of course, bright flaming love can - and ideally ought to - eventually become the calm, enduring fire of mature affection. But too often the flame of romantic love is quickly extinguished, leaving nothing but ashes, which are a poor foundation for a successful married life!
"Young people in love think of nothing but their emotions. They see themselves only in the light of the feeling of the moment. Everything they think and do is romantic and has little bearing on the practical affairs of the life they must lead after marriage. If the lovers are fortunate enough to have compatible personalities, to have sound and similar ideas about life, to share interests, to enjoy harmonious family relations on both sides and to be financially secure even after the first passion has calmed down, they will still have a basis for a good life together. If they are not so blessed, they may face marital failure.
"When the time of dates, emotional pictures, dances, and parties has passed, the young married couples will have to live together, share meals, and reveal to each other their defects as well as their merits. They will have to spend more than half of their life each day together; this kind of living makes demands that are different from the less exacting needs of dating and first love.
"Family relations become very important in married life. It is necessary to think about the personalities of the mother and father of the prospective marriage partner. Young people sometimes think that the strength of their love will enable them to get along well with the most quarrelsome, difficult in-laws; but this is not always true. In short, romance is a matter of a limited time and does not become rooted in actualities and must be regulated to conform to the needs of work and environment in order to bind the couple together in lasting devotion. The two kinds of love are different. To mistake one for the other invites grave trouble.
"Giving serious, dispassionate thought to the nature of the person one contemplates marrying, lessens the likelihood of failure. To prevent romance from vanishing after marriage, mutual understanding between the couple is indispensable. But the percentage of successful marriages is higher among young people whose choice of a partner agrees with the opinions of their parents. To live peacefully, it is necessary to realize the difference between romance and married love."
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What is Celibacy?
Celibacy is refraining from the pleasure of sexual activity. Some critics of Buddhism say that The Teaching goes against Nature and they claim that sex life is natural and therefore necessary.
Buddhism is not against sex, it is a natural sensual pleasure and very much a part of the worldly life. One may ask, why then did the Buddha advocate celibacy as a precept? Is it not unfair and against Nature? Well, the observance of celibacy for spiritual development was not a new religious precept at the time of the Buddha. All the other existing religions in India at that time also had introduced this practice. Even today, some other religionists, like the Hindus and Catholics do observe this as a vow.
Buddhists who have renounced the worldly life voluntarily observe this precept because they are fully aware of the commitments and disturbances which come along if one commits oneself to the life of a family person. The married life can affect or curtail spiritual development when craving for sex and attachment occupies the mind and temptation eclipses the peace and purity of the mind.
Significance of Celibacy
People tend to ask, "If the Buddha did not preach against married life, why then did He advocate celibacy as one of the important precepts to be observed and why did He advise people to avoid sex and renounce the worldly life?"
One must remember that renunciation is not compulsory in Buddhism. It is not obligatory to renounce the worldly life totally in order to practise Buddhism. You can adjust your way of life according to your understanding by practising certain religious principles and qualities. You can develop your religious principles according to the needs of a lay life. However, when you have progressed and attained greater wisdom and realise that the layman's way of life is not conducive for the ultimate development of SPIRITUAL VIRTUES and PURIFICATION of the MIND, you may choose to renounce the worldly life and concentrate more on spiritual development.
The Buddha recommended celibacy because sex and marriage are not conducive to ultimate peace and purity of the mind, and renunciation is necessary if one wishes to gain spiritual development and perfection at the highest level. But this renunciation should come naturally, and must never be FORCED. Renunciation should come through a complete understanding of the illusory nature of the self, of the unsatisfactory nature of all sense pleasures.
Celibacy versus Responsibility - The Buddha's Experience
The Buddha experienced his worldly life as a prince, husband and a father before his Renunciation and he knew what married life entailed. People may question the Buddha's renunciation by saying that he was selfish and cruel and that it was not fair for him to desert his wife and child. In actual fact, the Buddha did not desert his family without a sense of responsibility.
He never had any misunderstanding with his wife. He too had the same love and attachment towards his wife and child as any normal man would have, perhaps even greater. The difference was that his love was not mere physical and selfish love, he had the courage and understanding to detach that emotional and selfish love for a good cause. His sacrifice is considered all the more noble because he set aside his personal needs and desires in order to SERVE ALL OF MANKIND FOR ALL TIME.
The main aim of his renunciation was not only for his own happiness, peace or salvation but for the sake of MANKIND. Had he remained in the royal palace, his service would have been confined to only his own family or his kingdom. That was why he decided to renounce everything in order to maintain peace and purity to gain Enlightenment and then to enlighten others who were suffering in ignorance.
One of the Buddha's earliest tasks after gaining his Enlightenment was to return to his palace to enlighten the members of his family. In fact, when his young son, Rahula asked the Buddha for his inheritance, the Buddha said that Rahula was heir to the richest wealth, the treasure of the Dhamma. In this way, the Buddha served his family, and he paved the way for their salvation, peace and happiness. Therefore, no one can say that the Buddha was a cruel or selfish father. He was in fact more compassionate and self-sacrificing than anybody else. With his high degree of spiritual development, the Buddha knew that marriage was a temporary phase while Enlightenment was eternal and for the good of ALL MANKIND.
Another important fact was that the Buddha knew that his wife and son would not starve in his absence. During the time of the Buddha it was considered quite normal and honourable for a young man to retire from the life of a householder. Other members of the family would willingly look after his dependents. When he gained his enlightenment, he was able to give them something no other father could give -the freedom from slavery to attachment.
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Marriage is a partnership of two individuals and this partnership is enriched and enhanced when it allows the personalities involved to grow. Many marriages fail because one partner tries to "swallow" another or when one demands total freedom. According to Buddhism, marriage means understanding and respecting each other's belief and privacy. A successful marriage is always a two-way path: "humpy, bumpy", it is difficult but it is always a mutual path.
Young people in this country and elsewhere sometimes think that "old fashioned ideas" are not relevant to modern society. They should be reminded that there are some eternal truths which can never become out-of-date. What was true during the time of Buddha still remains true today.
The so-called modern ideas we receive through the highly glamourous television programmes do not represent the way most decent people in the west think or behave. There is a vast "silent majority" of decent couples who are as deeply religious and "conservative" about marriage as any Eastern couple. They do not behave in the manner that the mass media has portrayed them. Not all the people in the west run off to get a divorce or abortion after their first quarrel or dispute.
Decent people all over the world are the same; they are unselfish and care deeply about those whom they love. They make enormous sacrifices and develop love and understanding to ensure happy and stable marriages. So, if you want to ape the west ape the "silent majority": they are no different from your decent neighbour who lives next door to you.
Young people must also listen to their elders because their own understanding about married life is not mature. They should not make hasty conclusions regarding marriages and divorces. They must have a lot of patience, tolerance and mutual understanding. Otherwise, their life can become very miserable and problematic. PATIENCE, TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING are important disciplines to be observed and practised by all people in marriage.
A feeling of security and contentment comes from mutual understanding which is the SECRET of a HAPPY MARRIED LIFE.
-ooOoo-
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MORAL CODE
1. Social and Moral Code
The most important element of the Buddhist reform has always been its social and moral code. That moral code taken by itself is one of the most perfect which the world has ever known. On this point all testimonials from hostile and friendly quarters agree; philosophers there may have been, religious preachers, subtle metaphysicists, disputants there may have been, but where shall we find such an incarnation of love, love that knows no distinction of caste and creed or colour, a love that overflowed even the bounds of humanity, that embraced the whole of sentient beings in its sweep, a love that embodied as the gospel of universal 'Maitri' and 'Ahimsa'. - (Prof. Max Muller, A German Buddhist Scholar)
2. Morality is based on freedom
Buddhist morality is based on freedom, i.e. on individual development. It is therefore relative. In fact there cannot be any ethical principle if there is compulsion or determination from an agent outside ourselves. - (Anagarika B. Govinda, A German Buddhist Scholar)
3. Knowledge and Morality
In Buddhism there can be no real morality without knowledge, no real knowledge without morality; both are bound up together like heat and light in a flame. What constitutes 'Bodhi' is -not mere intellectual, enlightenment, but humanity. The consciousness of moral excellence is of the very essence of 'Bodhi'. -- (Bhikkhu Dhammapla, A Netherlands Buddhist Scholar)
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How to Overcome your Difficulties by Ven. Dr K. Sri Dhammananda Nayaka Maha Thera
Saturday, Oct 25, 2008 11:15AM / Members only
How to Overcome your Difficulties by Ven. Dr K. Sri Dhammananda Nayaka Maha Thera
Worry and fear
Are you worried? Are you miserable? If so, you are invited to read this booklet. The theme of this booklet is dedicated to you and to those who worry themselves unduly – even unto death!
Worries and miseries are twin evils that go hand in hand. They co-exist in this world. If you feel worried, you are miserable! If you are miserable, you are worried. We must face facts. Although we cannot run away from them, we must not let these twin evils of worry and misery overcome us. We must overcome them. We can do so by our own human efforts, correctly directed with determination and patience. With proper understanding and carefully applied intelligence, we should be able to subdue our emotional feelings and do away with worries and miseries.
Our worries are of our own making. We create them in our own minds, through our inability or failure to understand the danger of our egoistic feelings and our inflated and false values of things. If only we could see things in their proper perspective in that nothing is permanent in this world and that our own egoistic self is our wild imagination running riot in our untrained mind, we should be going a long way to finding the remedy to eradicate our worries and miseries. We must cultivate our minds and hearts to forget about self and to be of service and use to humanity. This is one of the means whereby we can find real peace and happiness.
Many people have longings and hankering, fear and anxieties which they have not learnt to sublimate and are ashamed to admit them even to themselves. But these unwholesome emotions have force. No matter how we may try to bottle them up they seek a release by disordering the physical machinery resulting in chronic illnesses. All these can be repelled by correct methods of meditation or mental culture, because the untrained mind is the main cause of such worries.
Whenever you have worries in your mind, don’t show your sulky face to each and every person you come across. You should reveal your worries only to those who really can help you. How nice it would be if you could maintain your smiling face in spite of all the difficulties confronting you. This is not very difficult if only you really try. Many teenagers worry too much when their friendship with the opposite sex is lost. They often plan even to commit suicide compelled by the plight of frustration and disappointment. Some find place in lunatic asylums. Many such broken-hearted youths lead miserable lives.
All these unfortunate events happen due to a lack of understanding the real nature of life. Somehow or other departure or separation is unavoidable. This may happen sometimes at the beginning of a life career; sometimes in the middle and sometimes at the end; it is certainly unavoidable. When such things happen one must try to find out where the cause lies. However, if the separation is beyond control one must have the courage to bear it out by realising the nature of life. But on the other hand it is not difficult for anyone to find new friends, to fill the vacuum if one really wants to.
“Wheresoever fear arises, it arises in the fool, not in the wise man” says the Buddha. Fears are nothing more than states of mind. One’s state of mind is subject to control and direction; the negative use of thoughts produces out fears; the positive use realises our hopes and ideals, and in these cases the choice rests entirely with ourselves. Every human being has the ability to completely control his own mind. Nature has endowed man with absolute control over but one thing, and that is thought. This fact, coupled with the additional fact that everything which man creates begins in the form of a thought, leads one very near to the principle by which fear may be mastered.
A noted British anatomist was once asked by a student what was the best cure for fear, and he answered, “Try doing something for someone”. The student was considerably astonished by the reply, and requested further enlightenment whereupon his instructor said, “You can’t have two opposing sets of thoughts in your mind at one and the same time”.
One set of thoughts will always drive the other out. If, for instance, your mind is completely occupied with an unselfish desire to help someone else, you can’t be harbouring fear at the same time.
“Worry dries up the blood sooner than the age.”
Fears, worries and anxieties in moderation are natural instincts of self-preservation. But constant fear and prolonged worry are unfailing enemies to the human organism. They derange the normal bodily functions.
If you have learned how to please others, you always will be in a good mood. This is because your mind does not allow worries to be accommodated in it.
The voice of nature
For the sake of material gain modern man does not listen to the voice of nature. His mental activities are so preoccupied with his future happiness that he neglects the needs of his physical body and entirely forgets the present moment for what it is worth. This unnatural behaviour of contemporary man is that immediate result of his wrong conceptions of World Order, of human life and its ultimate purpose. It is the cause of all the frustration, anxiety, fear and insecurity of our present times. One who really likes to have peace should not disturb another man’s freedom. It is a wrong method to seek happiness by disturbing and deceiving others.
“You can deceive some of the people all the time, and all the people some of the time, but you cannot deceive all of the people all of the time.” (Abraham Lincoln)
If man is cruel and wicked, always lives against the laws of nature and the cosmos; through his acts, words and thoughts, he pollutes the whole atmosphere. As a result of such misdeeds and thoughts, nature may not produce things which man requires for his living but instead man may be faced with epidemics and various kinds of disasters.
If, on the other hand, man lives in accordance with this natural law, leads a righteous way of life, purifies the atmosphere through the merits of his virtues and radiates his loving kindness towards other living beings, he can change the atmosphere in order to bring about better results for the happiness of man.
You may be a very modern busy man, but don’t forget to spend at least a few minutes a day in reading some valuable books. This habit will give you a lot of relief and enable you to forget your worries and to develop your mind. At the same time you have to remember that you have a religion also. Religion is for your own benefit. Therefore it is your duty to think about your religion and to spare a few minutes a day for the performance of your religious duties.
Mental health and criminal tendencies
In relation to health, it is not T. B., or even cancer, that is the most alarming of the ailments of our age. T. B. is now almost under control, and there is every hope that a cure for cancer will be found in the near future. Actually, the most alarming of all is the prevalence and increase in all kinds of mental ailments and disturbances. We are forced to build more and more hospitals and institutions for the mentally sick and neuroses of various kinds. There are many more who do not receive any treatment, but who are in need of it badly.
It may be asked why the criminal element within our society is mentioned in the same breath with the mentally afflicted. One of the positive and far-reaching results stemming directly from the research work of Freud is the recognition that criminals and delinquents are also mentally sick people, more in need of treatment than punishment. It is this liberal outlook on the problem that lays the basis of all “progressive” social reform, and opens up the way for reclamation rather than revenge.
Know Thy neighbour
We never see how other people live; we may not even know anything about the lives of people of different social levels from ourselves or of lesser or greater wealth. If we are healthy we cannot know what it is like to be sick and if we are invalids we cannot understand the energy of the strong.
Such lack of experience makes for intolerance, because tolerance is born only of understanding and without experience there can be no understanding. Hence it is a good thing for us to get as wide an experience as is possible of all aspects of life, and especially to travel and let us make sure we do not always travel in luxury!
Man’s unhappiness
Buddha taught that all man’s unhappiness comes from wanting the wrong sort of things, the pleasures that money can buy, power over other men, and, most important of all, to go on living forever after one is dead. The desire for these things makes people selfish, he said, so that they come to think only of themselves, want things only for themselves, and not mind overmuch what happens to other people. And since they do not get all their wishes, they are restless and discontented. The only way to avoid this restlessness is to get rid of the desires that cause it. This is very difficult; but when a man achieves it, he reaches a state of perfection and calm.
* We did not enjoy pleasures but were ourselves overcome by pleasures (i.e. by endless anxiety in seeking those pleasures all our energies were sapped). We suffer more than we enjoy in seeking the pleasures of this phenomenal world.
Time will heal our wounds
Trouble passes. What has caused you to burst into tears today will soon be forgotten; you may remember that you cried but it is unlikely that you will remember what you cried about! As we grow up and go through life, if we remember this we shall often be surprised to find how we lie awake at night brooding something that has happened to upset us during the day, or how we nurse resentment against someone and keep on letting the same thoughts run through our minds about how we are going to have our own back against the person who has harmed us. We may fall into a rage over something and later wonder what it was we were so angry about. And being surprised, we can realise what a waste of time and energy it has all been, and how we have deliberately gone on being unhappy when we could have stopped it and started to think about something else.
Whatever our troubles, however grievous they may appear, time will heal our wounds. But surely there must be something we can do to prevent ourselves from being hurt in the first place. Why should we allow people and troubles to drain our energy and make us unhappy? The answer is, of course, that they do not, it is we who make ourselves unhappy.
You may have had some trouble in your office or the place where you work but you should not bring or extend such troubles to your home and create a bad atmosphere.
You should realise that there is a cure or an end to those problems and troubles which are to be found by achieving freedom from our selfish desires and by eradicating all forms of confusion and ignorance.
Whenever we fail to find a solution to any problem, we are inclined to find a scapegoat, someone against whom we can vent our grievance. We are not prepared to admit our own shortcomings. We feel it is easier to put the blame on others and to nurture a grievance against someone. In fact, some of us take pleasure in so doing. This is a completely wrong attitude. We must not show resentment or to be angry towards others. We should do our utmost, painstakingly and calmly, to resolve our own problems. We must be prepared to face up to any difficulties that we may encounter.
Happiness and materialism
Many people believe they can solve all their problems if only they have money; but they fail to realise that money itself has its attendant problems. Money alone cannot solve all problems.
Many people never learn this and all their lives they rush about using all their energy trying to collect may more “gadgets”, and when they have them they find that these do not satisfy them, but they must have other “things and more gadgets”. In fact, the more they have the more they desire to have; so they can never be happy or content.
The following advice gives us tremendous consolation to make up our mind when we lose something:-
“Say not that this is yours and that is mine,
Just say, this came to you and that to me,
So we may not regret the fading shine,
Of all the glorious things which ceased to be.”
Wealth is not something for you to dump somewhere and to crave for. It is for you to make use of for your welfare as well as others. If you spend your time by only clinging to your property without even fulfilling your obligations towards your country, your people and your religion you may find that when the time comes for you to leave, this world will still be plagued with worries. You will not be benefited with that property which you have so painstakingly collected.
To hope for wealth and gain through gambling is like hoping for shelter from the sun through the clouds, whereas to hope for progress and prosperity through diligence in work is like building a permanent house as a shelter from the sun and rain.
“Your property will remain when you die. Your friends and relatives will follow you up to your grave. But only good or bad actions you have done during your life-time will follow you beyond the grave.”
Many things that we hope will give us pleasure are disappointing when we get them, like the three wishes in the fairy tale, it sounds nice to have a lot of money but if we get it we may find that it brings us worry in deciding how to use it or how to protect it, or we may be led to act foolishly. The rich man begins to wonder if his friends value him for himself or for his money, and this is another form of mental sorrow. And there is always the fear of losing what we have, whether it be possessions or some beloved person. So when we are honest and look closely at what we call “happiness” we find that it is a kind of mirage in the mind, never fully grasped, never complete, or at the best, accompanied by fear of loss.
Your wealth can decorate only your house but not you. Only your own virtue can decorate you. Your dress can decorate your body but not you. Only your good conduct can decorate you.
The method that people should adopt to gain happiness must be a harmless one. There is no meaning in enjoying happiness by causing suffering to another person or any other living being.
The Buddha says: “Blessed are they who earn their living without harming others.”
“Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.”
You may not be able to change the world according to your wishes but you may be able to change your heart to find happiness.
It is only when you have suffered through doing good that you can achieve a greater happiness than others.
“If we want to find happiness, let us stop thinking about gratitude or ingratitude and give for the inner joy of giving. Ingratitude is natural-like weeds. Gratitude is like a rose. It has to be fed, watered and cultivated and loved and protected.” (D. Carnegie).
Control your mind
Man’s mind influences his body profoundly. If allowed to function the viciously and entertain unwholesome thoughts, mind can cause disaster, can even kill a being; but it can also cure a sick body. When the mind is concentrated on right thoughts with right effort and understanding the effect it can produce is immense. A mind with pure and wholesome thoughts really does lead to healthy relaxed living.
The Buddha says: “No enemy can harm one so much as one’s own thoughts of craving, thoughts of hate, thoughts of jealousy and so on.”
A man who does not know how to adjust his mind according to circumstances would be like a corpse in a coffin.
Turn your mind to yourself, and try to find pleasure within yourself, and you will always find therein an infinite source of pleasure ready for your enjoyment.
It is only when the mind is controlled and is kept to the right road of orderly progress that it becomes useful for its possessor and for society. A disorderly mind is a liability both to its owner and to others. All the havoc wrought in the world is created by men who have not learned the way of mind control, balance and poise.
Calmness is not weakness. A calm attitude at all times shows a man of culture. It is not too hard for man to be calm when things are favourable, but to be composed when things are wrong is hard indeed, and it is this difficult quality that is worth achieving; for by such calm and control he builds up strength of character. It is quite wrong to imagine that they alone are strong and powerful who are noisy, garrulous and fussily busy.
Act Wisely
Man must know how to use his youth, wealth, power, energy and knowledge at the proper time, at the proper place and in the proper way for his own benefit, and for the benefit and welfare of the others as well. If he misuses such privileges, it will only cause his own down-fall. “Man must be strong enough to know when he is weak, brave enough to encounter fear, proud and unbending in honest defeat, humble and gently in victory.”
Some people through a sudden stroke of fortune receive a large sum of money or are endowed with some property, or they might inherit a large share of the property from their parents. But amongst them only a very few would know how to preserve and maintain such newly acquired property. Normally property that is easily acquired without their own effort and labour, has no real value to them. Therefore they will start to spend the money on unnecessary things and, very soon, the whole property will be squandered. People must know how to handle their property without wasting it, and for that they must use a little bit of their common sense.
Adjust ourselves
We are living in an ever changing world. But a very few people realise this fact. One should not cling to the traditions, customs, manners, habits and beliefs, introduced by ancient people and ancestors thinking that he should follow all those traditions forever and ever. If he is going to be so narrow minded then there will be no progress in this society of ours.
There may be some good customs amongst them which had been handed down by the ancestors; but one must consider whether these customs are congenial to modern society.
On the other hand parents and elderly people conflict with their younger generation. They would like to see their children follow the same old customs and traditions. However this is not a very good attitude to adopt. Allow the children to move with the times if it is harmless.
Parents only have to remember how their own parents had objected to certain modern ways of living prevalent at the time when they were young. This conflict between the conservative people and the younger generation is not a very healthy attitude towards the progress of society. Of course, if children go astray due to misguidance of modern society then parents should counsel and guide them.
You must learn how to tolerate the other man’s views and customs even though you do not like them. Here, to tolerate does not mean that you have to follow his ideas and ideals.
Every man is a part of the world of man, and is responsible for what goes on in it. He must be concerned as to whether or not society is becoming more humanised. He must ask what he himself is doing to bring about a better order of things. This is the ethical view by which life takes on a serious aspect is given an incentive. Such a life is the really happy life. Then we become commendably, constructively discontented with the present order of things, and proceed happily to do something about it.
Healthy Atmosphere
However bitter may be the joke and remarks directed at you by others, like a wise man you too must answer them with another joke without an unhealthy atmosphere.
When you play a game don’t show your temper if you are losing the game; by doing so you not only spoil the pleasure of others but you will in the end completely lose the game.
You cannot correct each and every person in this world in order to achieve peace in the same way as you cannot remove the world of stones and thorns to walk smoothly. One who wants to walk on * smooth ground must wear a pair of shoes. Likewise, one who wants to have a peace of mind, must know how to guard his own senses.
There are various ways to correct a person if he is wrong. By criticising, blaming and shouting at him publicly, you cannot correct him; you must know how to correct him without humiliating him. Many people make more enemies by criticising others. If you can tell him kindly, with the intention of correcting him, he will certainly listen to you and some day he will thank you for your guidance and kindness.
Whenever you express your views regarding certain matters, always try to use words which would not hurt the feelings of others. There are various ways of expressing you views either gently or politely or even diplomatically.
You should not lose your temper when your faults are pointed out. You may think that by showing temper and shouting at others you can suppress or overcome your shortcomings. It is a false and wrong attitude to adopt.
You should not reveal the personal secrets of a former friend which were confided to you even though you are not in good terms with him. If you do so, others will look down upon you and will never accept you as a sincere man.
Be unbiased
You should not come to any hasty decision regarding any matter when you are in a bad mood or when provoked by someone, not even when you are in a good mood influenced by emotion, because at such a time the state of your mind is emotional and any decision or conclusion reached during such a period would be a matter you could one day regret. Allow your mind to calm down first and think over it, then your judgement will be an unbiased one.
Cultivate tolerance; for tolerance helps you to avoid hasty judgements, to sympathise with other people’s troubles, to avoid captious criticism, to realise that even the finest human being is not infallible; the weakness you find in your neighbours can be found in your own self.
Humility
Humility is the wise man’s measuring-rod for learning the difference between what is and what is yet to be. “The Buddha himself started his ministry by discarding all his princely pride in an act of self-humiliation. He attained sainthood during his life, but never lost his naturalness, never assumed superior airs. His dissertations and parable were never pompous. He had time for the most humble of men. He never lost his sense of humour.”
Don’t waste your time
To waste a man’s existence in grieving over the past, and in idleness and heedlessness is to show his unfitness for the noble place he holds thus inviting his bad kamma to relegate him to a place befitting his unworthiness. Bear this strongly in your mind, and do good while life lasts. By wasting your time you injure not only yourself but also others, for your time is as much others’ as it is yours.
Patience and tolerance
Be patient with all. Anger leads one through a pathless jungle. While it irritates and annoys others it also hurts oneself, weakens the physical frame and disturbs the mind. A harsh word, like an arrow discharged from a bow, can never be taken back even if you would offer a thousand apologies for it.
Certain creatures cannot see in the day-time whilst some others are blind at night. But a man driven to great heights of hatred does not observe anything, either by day or night.
With whom and with what do you fight when you are angry? You fight with yourself, for you are the worst enemy of yourself. Mind is your best friend and worst foe. You must try to kill the passion of lust, hatred and ignorance that are latent in your mind by means or morality, concentration and wisdom.
Some varieties of heart trouble, rheumatic disorders, and skin diseases are traceable to chronic resentment, hatred and jealously *. Such destructive feelings poison the cockles of the heart. They foster the development of latent disease tendencies and invite disease microbes.
Returning good for evil
If you want to get rid of your enemies you should first kill your anger which is the greatest enemy within you.
On the other hand if you are going to be perturbed hearing from your enemies, it means you are fulfilling the wishes of your enemies by unknowingly entering into their trap.
You should not think that you can only learn something from only those who praise and help you and associate with you very closely. There are many things that you could learn from your enemies also; you should not think they are entirely wrong just because they happen to be your enemies. They may also possess certain good qualities.
You won’t be able to get rid of your enemies by returning evil for evil. If you do that then you will be inviting only more enemies. The best and the most correct method of overcoming your enemies is* by radiating your kindness towards them. You may think that this is impossible or something nonsensical. But this method is very highly appreciated by every cultured man.
When you come to know that there is someone who is very angry with you, you should first try to find out the main cause of that enmity; if it is due to you mistake you should admit it and should not hesitate to apologise to him. If it is due to certain misunderstandings between you both you must have a heart to heart talk with him and try to enlighten him.
If it is due to jealousy or some other emotional feeling you must try to radiate your loving kindness towards him so that you will be able to influence him through your mental waves. You may not be able to understand how it works but through the experience of many people it shows that this is the most powerful, intelligent and easiest method which is very highly recommended in the Buddhist religion.
Of course, to do this, you must have confidence and patience in yourself. By doing this you will be able to make your enemy understand that he is in the wrong; besides you are also benefited in various ways for not accommodating enmity in your heart.
Loving kindness
As long as there is one single fellow creature whom you can console by kind words, whom you can enliven and cheer by your presence, whom you can relieve by your worldly possessions, however scanty that charity may be, you are a precious possession to the human race and you should never be disheartened or depressed.
There may be times when those whom you love do not seem to care for you and you are apt to feel heavy at heart. But there is no just cause for dejection. What does it matter if other are not grateful to you or do not care for you, as long as you know that you are full of tender heartedness for others, full of loving compassion to your fellow men? One should never depend on others for one’s happiness. He who expects to secure satisfaction in life from others is worse than the beggar who kneels and cries for his daily bread.
Drunkenness
Drunkenness expels reason,
Drowns memory,
Defaces the brain,
Diminishes strength,
Inflames the blood,
Causes external and internal incurable wounds.
Is a witch to the body,
A devil to the mind,
A thief to the purse,
The beggar’s curse,
The wife’s woe,
The children’s sorrow,
The picture of a beast,
And self murder,
Who drinks to other’s health,
And robs himself of his own.
Its final result can never be anything but utter physical and moral degradation.
The Drug Menace
Alcohol has been described as one of the prime causes of man’s physical and moral degradation. Currently another more vicious form of abuse, that of harmful and dangerous drugs, as contained in heroin, hashish and various other forms, have shown their ugly heads, causing much more serious human and social problems to the well-being of humanity. This problem is now world-wide. Its repercussions are more serious and deadly than that of alcohol. Thefts, robberies, sexual crimes and swindling of vast magnitude have taken place due to the pernicious influence of the drug. Murders have been committed and families have been decimated by drug addicts.
Countless millions of hard-earned dollars have been spent by Government throughout the world to rid the addicts of their evil habits and to rehabilitate them but the maddening craze persists. It is our bounden duty, as dutiful citizens, to help in whatever manner we can, through our religious and social organisations, to eradicate this dreadful and obnoxious habit and to prevent our children from ever getting near to it. Life as a drug addict is a life of torture and hell on earth, leading to an early grave.
As human being we should be able to exercise our self-control and to distinguish between what is good and evil. Keep away from the drug menace and help others to do so. That will be the greatest service to humanity.
Live harmoniously
World history tells us that racial discrimination, colour bar, religious fanaticism and greed for political power and wealth have created enormous misfortunes, miseries and troubles in this world and have taken a heavy toll of lives in a cruel way. These issues have never contributed anything towards peace and happiness. People who are thirsty for power and wealth and intoxicated with jealously* always create troubles and often try to justify their cruel acts by talking nonsense and by offending others. We are living in a world which is physically united and mentally divided.
You create heaven and hell here
“If you want to live in this world peacefully and happily, allow others also to live peacefully and happily, so that you can make this world something which is worthy of life.” Unless and until you adjust yourself to live according to these noble principles you cannot expect happiness and peace in this world. You cannot expect this happiness and peace from heaven simply by praying.
If you act according to moral principles you can create your own heaven right here in this world. If not you also can see the hell-fire on this earth itself. Not knowing how to live according to this natural and cosmic law, we always grumble when troubles confront us. If each man tries to adjust himself without grumbling and criticising others we can enjoy real heavenly bliss better than the one that some people dream of existing in far beyond above.
There is no need to create a heaven elsewhere to reward a virtue, or a hell to punish vice; virtue and evil have inevitable reactions in this world itself. Your faith is immaterial in this respect. This is the highest way that you can help in the welfare of your society and your country.
Today, human society has developed up to this level because of this understanding and harmony of some people who have sympathy and tolerance towards the happiness and progress of others. Now you can realise why we should practice morality. On the other hand, you must understand that by helping others morally, you help yourself and by helping yourself morally you help others also.
“We live and work and dream,
Each has his little scheme,
Sometimes we laugh;
Sometimes we cry;
And thus the days go by.”
Happily married life
In a true marriage, man and women think more of the Partnership than they do of themselves. It is an interweaving of interests and a facing of sacrifice together for the sake of both.
A feeling of security and contentment comes from mutual efforts.
Most of the trouble and worries occuring* amongst husband and wife, parents and children, their relatives and friends are due to misunderstanding and impatience. The husband should not treat the wife as a servant. Although he is the bread-winner of the family, it is his duty whenever he is free to help his wife in the household. On the other hand the wife should not always nag or grumble at her husband whenever there is any shortage at home. She should not also be suspicious of her husband. If he really has some weakness she could correct him by talking it over with him kindly. A wife has to tolerate a lot of things without bothering her husband. A husband also has to act wisely.
Marriage is a blessing but many people turn their married life into a curse due to lack of understanding, tolerance and patience. Poverty is not the main cause of an unhappy married life. Husband and wife must learn to share the pleasure and pain of everything in their daily life. Mutual understanding is the secret of a happy family life.
Accept criticism
Sweetness is sickness, bitterness is medicine. Praise is like a sweet, excess of which cause sickness. And criticism is like a bitter pill or a painful injection which cures sickness. We must have the courage to welcome criticism and not to be afraid of it.
“The ugliness we see in others
Is a reflection of our own nature”
A man’s individual life, circumstances and world are a reflection of his own thoughts and beliefs. All men are mirrors reflecting according to their own surface. All men, looking at the world of men and things, are looking into a mirror which gives back their own reflection.
Mind your own business
How nice it is, if you can attend to your own affairs without too much of interference to with other’s business. Here is the advice given by the Buddha:
“One should not regard the faults of others, thing done and left undone by others, but one’s own deeds of commission and omission.”
Again the Buddha says: “He who is observant of other’s faults, and is always irritable his own defilements increase. He is far from the destruction of defilement.”
Further he says: “Easy to see the faults of others; but one’s own is difficult to see. One winnows other’s faults life chaff; but one’ own hides as a crafty fowler covers himself.”
“The noble swerve not from the right path, let happen what may and crave no longer after worldly joys. The wise remain clam and constant in mind alike in joy and in sorrow.”
No one can live in this world without being blamed and criticised by others.
The Buddha says: “People blame others for their silence. They blame those who talk much and those in moderation. There is therefore no one in this world who is not blamed.” Further He says: “There never was, nor will be, nor is there now any one who is wholly blamed or wholly praised. “ Not all those who criticise you are your enemies. You can make use of the opportunity to find out your own weaknesses which you yourself cannot see.
You should not give up good work just because of criticism. If you have the courage to carry out your good work is spite of criticisms, you are indeed a great man and could succeed everywhere.
Don’t worry
The secret of happy, successful living lies in doing what needs to be done now, and not worrying about the past and the future. We cannot go back into the past and reshape it nor can we anticipate everything that may happen in the future. There is but one moment of time over which we have some conscious control and that is the present.
Many people just worry by thinking about their future. If they have learned to adjust themselves according to the circumstances of their daily life there is no reason for them to be worried. Whatever castles they may build in the air, whatever dreams they may have in their mind, they must always remember that they are living in this world of constant changes.
Be good
“There is no stars which we could trust,
There is no guiding light,
And we know that we must,
BE GOOD, BE JUST, BE RIGHT.”
Pillars of success
Failures are but the pillars of success. To learn by our failures is to achieve success. To never have failed is never have won. Unless we experience failure and its attendant forces, we shall not be able to appreciate to the full a victory.
It becomes merely a turn in events that is of little or no interest to us. Failures not only help us to success, but to make us kind, sympathetic, understanding and rich in experience.
The real beauty
If one is born ugly, no matter how ugly his face may be, if he cultivate love, that love will give him an inward eternal charm which emanate outwardly and parade his whole being with that supernatural charm which will make him attractive because charm is the real beauty and not the shape or colour of the face.
We take the most handsome looking person. Sometimes people may not be attracted towards him or her because his or her beauty may be disfigured by the conceit or pride in his or her own beauty. Take the person who is ugly but is over flowing with boundless loving-kindness and speaks gently and politely, treats others kindly and you will see how attractive that person will be to everybody.
Peaceful end
Men are disturbed not by things, but by the notions they form concerning things. Death for example, is not in itself, terrible; the terror resides only in our mind. Insistence upon the truth of suffering may seem morbid to the mind unable to face facts, but it serves to prick the balloon of happiness.”
Love of life on earth stimulates the unnatural morbid fear of death. It creates the hypochondriac, the man who will never take risks even for the right. He lives in terror that some illness or accident will snuff out his insignificant little life here. Realisation that death is inevitable, an irrational terror of the inevitable will shock the earth lover into a passionate hope for the survival of his soul in a heaven. No man can be happy in such a tempest of fear and hope. It is hard to despise and ignore these manifestations of the instinct for self-preservation.
There is, however, a sure method of overcoming it. This is to forget the self in service for other people; it is to turn one’s love from inwards to outwards. Become engrossed in helping others and you will forget you own morbid, selfish attachments and hopes, pride and self-righteousness.
Everybody likes to have a peaceful death after fulfilling his lifetime of duties and obligations. But how many people have prepared the round for such an event? How many people take the trouble to fulfil their duties towards their family, relatives, friends, country, Religion and nation? If a man dies without fulfilling any of these duties surely it is very difficult ultimately for such a person to have a peaceful death.
Many people are afraid of dead bodies. But living bodies are more dangerous than dead bodies. More people were defeated and frightened by living bodies than lifeless dead bodies.
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YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE by Ven. Dr K. Sri Dhammananda Nayaka Maha Thera
Saturday, Oct 25, 2008 11:05AM / Members only
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE by Ven. Dr K. Sri Dhammananda Nayaka Maha Thera
Human nature being what it is, all of us are inclined to put the blame on others for our own shortcomings or misfortunes. Do you ever give a thought for a moment that you yourself can be responsible for your own problems? Your sorrows and miseries are not caused by a family curse that is handed down from one generation to the next. Nor are they caused by the original sin of some ancestor who has returned from beyond the grave to haunt you. Nor are your sorrow and miseries created by a god or by a devil. You sorrow is caused by yourself. Your sorrow is your own making. You are your own liberator.
You must learn to shoulder the responsibilities of your life and to admit your own weakness without blaming or disturbing others. Remember the old saying :-
“The uncultured man always blames others; the semi cultured man blames himself and the fully-cultured man blames neither.”
As a cultured being, you must learn to solve your own problems without blaming others. If each person would try to correct himself, there would not be any trouble in this world. But many people do not make any effort to realize that they themselves are responsible for many misfortunes that befall them. They prefer to find scapegoats.They look outside themselves for the source of their troubles because they are reluctant to admit their own weaknesses.
Man’s mind is given to so much self-deceit that he does not want to admit his own weakness. He will try to find some excuse to justify his action and to create an illusion that he is blameless. If a man really wants to be free, he must have the courage to admit his own weakness.
The Buddha says:- “Easily seen are others’ faults; hard indeed it is to see one’s own fault.”
You must develop the courage to admit when you have fallen victim to your weakness. You must admit when you are in the wrong. Do not follow the uncultured who always blames others. Do not use other people as your scapegoat – this is most despicable. Remember that you may fool some of the people some of the time, but not all the people all of the time.
The Buddha says:- “The fool who does not admit he is a fool, is a real fool. And the fool who admits he is a fool is wise to that extent.”
Admit your own weakness. Do not blame others. You must realize that you are responsible for the miseries and the difficulties that come to you. You must understand that your way of thinking also creates the conditions that give rise to your difficulties. You must appreciate that at all times, you are responsible for whatever comes to you.
“It is not that something is wrong with the world, but something is wrong with us.”
You Are responsible For Your Relationship With Others
Remember that whatever happens to you cannot feel hurt if you know how to keep a balanced mind. You are hurt only by the mental attitude that you adopt towards yourself and towards others. If you show a loving attitude towards others, you will receive a loving attitude in return. If you show hatred, you will undoubtedly never receive love in return. An angry man breathes out poison and he hurts himself more than others. Anyone who is wise not to be angered by anger will not be hurt. Remember that no one can hurt you unless you allow others to hurt you. Of another person blames or scolds you, but you follow the Dhamma (truth), then that Dhamma will protect you from unjust attacks.
The Buddha says:- “Whoever harms a harmless person, one pure and guiltless, upon that very fool the evil recoils like fine dust thrown against the wind.”
If you allow others to fulfill their wishes in hurting you, you are responsible.
Blame Not Others-Accept Responsible
You must learn to guard your mind by maintaining a proper perspective so that any external happenings cannot affect your equilibrium. You are in the tight corner. You must not blame circumstances when things go wrong. You must mot think that you are unlucky, the victim of fate, or of somebody else’s ill-will. No matter what reason you give, you must not try to evade self-responsibility for your own actions instead of laying the blame on circumstances. Try to solve your problems without showing a sour face. In times of difficulty work cheerfully under the most trying circumstances. Be courageous to accept change if change is necessary but be serene enough to accept what you cannot change. Be wise enough to understand the worldly conditions which are common to everybody. Be wise enough to face certain problems without being frustrated and unhappy. The difficulties are for you overcome. Those who try to do some service to others earn more blame than those who do not serve, but this does not mean they must be discouraged. They should have the wisdom to realize that selfless service brings its own reward.
“Love without knowledge and knowledge without love cannot produce a good life.” B. Russel.
You Are Responsible For Your Inner Peace
You must learn how to protect whatever inner peace and calm you have managed to create within your mind. To preserve the inner peace, you must know when to surrender yourself; you must know when to throw away your pride, when to subdue your false ego, when to change your adamant attitude or false conviction and when to practise patience. You should not allow others to take away your inner peace, and you can preserve your inner peace if you know how to act wisely. Wisdom comes through recognition of ignorance.
“ Man is not a fallen angel, but a arising animal.”
The Correct Attitude Towards Criticism
You must learn how to guard yourself from unjust criticism and how to make use of constructive criticism. You must look objectively at criticism that others give to you. If the criticism that comes to you is just, well-founded and given with good intention, then accept that criticism and put it to use. However, if the criticism that comes to you is unjust and ill-founded and given with bad intention, you are under no obligation to accept this kind of criticism. If you know that your attitude is correct and appreciated by wise and cultured people, then do not worry about ill-founded criticism. Your understanding of both constructive and destructive criticism is important.
The Buddha says:- “There is no one who is not blamed in this world.”
Expect Nothing And Nothing Will Disappoint You
You can protect yourself from disappointments by not having any undue expectations. If you expect nothing, then nothing can disappoint you. Do not expect reward for the good that you have done. Do good for the sake of doing good with kindness. If you can help others without expecting any kind of a reward, then you can have no disappointment. You can be a great man! The happiness that appears in your mind for the good that you have done, is in itself a big reward. That happiness creates satisfaction in our life.
Perhaps you are person who is good by nature and you do not do any harm to others. But you get blamed by others despite doing good. You have to face difficulties and disappointment even though you have always helped others and have done good for others. Then you might ask , “If good begets good and bad begets bad, why should I have to suffer when I am completely innocent? Why should I have to undergo so many difficulties? Why should I get so many disappointments? Why should I get blamed by others despite my good work? The simple answer is when you do some good deeds you have to face certain evil forces. If not, you are facing a bad karma that is ripening in the present.
Continue with your good work and you will eventually be free from such troubles. Remember that you have created your own disappointments and you alone can overcome these disappointments, by realizing the nature of Karma (action and reaction) and the worldly conditions as explained by the Buddha.
“If you can protect yourself, you can protect others.”
Gratitude Is A Rare Virtue
The Buddha considered gratitude as a great virtue, yet it is very rare: Yes, it is true that this virtue is rare in any society. You cannot always expect other people to be grateful for what you have done for them. People are inclined to be forgetful especially when it comes to remembering favours. If you expect gratitude from others, you will perhaps have to meet disappointment. If people fail to show gratitude, learn to accept them as such – then you can avoid disappointment. You can be happy regardless of whether people are grateful or ungrateful for your kindness or help; you need only think that you have done your duty as a human being to your fellow beings. That should be the only reward you should seek.
“He who knows that enough, will always have enough.” (Lao Tse)
Compare Not With Others
You can rid yourself of unnecessary worry and troubles simply by not comparing yourself with others. “So long as you regard others as your ‘equal’ or as your ‘superior’ or as your ‘inferior’, you will continue to have problems to worry about. But if you do not adopt such an attitude there is nothing for you to worry. If you think you are better than others, you may become proud. If you think you are equal to others, you may stagnate. If you think you are inferior to others, you may become useless to yourself and to others. You may lose your self-confidence.
It is very difficult for most people to surrender their pride or sense of superiority. But you must learn to reduce or to suppress your pride. If you are able to sacrifice your pride, then you can find your inner peace and you can help mankind to find peace and happiness. Which is greater to maintain and to support – your pride or your peace of mind?
Comparing yourself with others can be a source of unnecessary worry. Try to realize that equality and inferiority and superiority are all changing, relative states: at one time you may be poor; at another time you may be a rich man. In the endless rounds within the ocean of life and death (samsara), we are all equal, inferior and superior to each other at different times. So why worry?
“ If you are good to yourself, you are good to others. If you are good to others, you are good to yourself.”
How To Handle Troubles-Makers
It is one thing to realize that you are at all times responsible for all the troubles and problems that befall you. It is another thing to know what you must do to overcome the disturbances that come to you through other people and circumstances.
You must learn how to handle trouble-makers and evil-doers. They are also human beings; they must also be accommodated into the religious fold. Every effort must be made to correct them instead of isolating and neglecting them. If you are strong enough to resist their evil influence, there is no reason for you to avoid associating with them. Through your associations with evil-doers, you can influence them for the better. Remember that it is your understanding that protects you from evil-doers and allows you to influence them to become good. Here is the understanding that will protect you and help others.
You must understand that if a man does something wrong to you due to his ignorance and misunderstanding, then is the time for you to reveal your wisdom, your education, your sympathy, your culture and your religious attitude. What is the use of all your education and religious knowledge if you have not learned how to behave as a cultured man in a time of need? When others do wrong to you, you must regard their action as an opportunity for you to develop your patience and understanding.
Patience and education are prime qualities which everyone must cultivate. The more you practise these virtues the more you maintain your dignity. You must know how to make good use of these qualities and they will help to relieve you from many of the enormous miseries and sufferings and burdens of life. Sometimes you may come across certain people who try to take advantage of your tolerance and patience. Then is the time to act wisely. You must practise wisdom. Remember that your spirit of tolerance, patience and understanding has some powerful influence over your enemies so as to make them realize that they are in the wrong.
“Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.”
“Virtues must be practiced wisely.”
Forgive And Forget
You must also understand that to take revenge on trouble-makers is only to create more problems and difficulties. You must realize that negative feelings and negative actions only bring harm and suffering to both you and the trouble-maker. In order to take revenge, you have to create a sense of hatred in your own heart. This hatred is like a poison which you inject into a trouble-maker. But since the poison is initially created in you, surely it will harm you before it can harm anyone else. Before you can throw any cow-dung at another, you must first dirty yourself with cow-dung. Then your behavior is the same as the action of the foolish person. There is no basic difference between you and the evil-doer. By hating others, you only give them power over you. You do not solve your problem. If you become angry with another and he simply smiles back at you without any show of anger, then you are the defeated person. Since he did not co-operate with you to fulfill your wish, he is victorious; you are defeated.
The Buddha says:- “Ah happily do we live without hate amongst the hateful. Amidst the hateful men, we live without hate.”
Perhaps you may not be strong enough to love your enemies; but for the sake of your own health and happiness, you must learn at least to forgive and forget.
By not hating or crushing your trouble-maker, you are acting like a wise and cultured man. To act in this manner, you must understand that the other person is intoxicated with greed, anger, jealousy or ignorance. He is no different from all other human beings who are also at one time or another intoxicated with the same negative states of heart and mind.
The Buddha once said:- “Evil-doers are not wicked by nature. They do evil because they are ignorant.”
We should not curse them. It is not justifiable to condemn them to eternal suffering. Instead, we should try to correct them. We should try to explain to them that they are wrong. With this understanding, you can treat the evil-doer as a patient who is suffering from a sickness. If you can help to remove the cause of the sickness, then the patient can be cured and everyone can be well and happy.
“Good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge.”
If a man does something wrong to you due to his ignorance or misunderstanding, then is the time to radiate your compassion and understanding to the evil-doer. For one day he will realize his folly and give up his evil habits. So it is better to give him a chance to be good. If you can radiate loving-kindness to the trouble-maker, then one day he will change into a better person.
The Buddha said:- “Hatreds do not cease by hatred; by love alone do they cease. This is an eternal law.”
If you can adopt this method of radiating loving-kindness, then no harm will come to you when you try to correct the evil-doer. This method will help you to achieve both physical and mental relief. Life means giving and taking; like breathing in and out. Those who do not understand this get into trouble and face difficulties in their living.
If a man does something wrong to you again and again, you must be wise and try to correct him each time he makes the mistake. Try to follow the good example set by the Buddha who always returned good for evil.
The Buddha said:- “The more evil that comes to me, the more good will radiate from me.”
Some people think that it is not practical to return good for evil. Try and see for yourself. If you find it is too difficult to return good for evil, then you can still do a great service to yourself and to others by not returning evil for evil.
“Sympathetic consideration is needed for less understanding people.”
We Are All Human
All human beings have weaknesses and are prone to making mistakes. All human beings have the basic weaknesses of desire, hatred, and ignorance. These weaknesses are within human beings in varying degrees. Unless you are a perfect man or a Arahant, you are no exception.
Man is not satisfied with his life and never finds the purpose of life even after gaining the whole world.
Let us take a closer look at the weakness of delusion or ignorance: man is enveloped in ignorance. His mind is clouded by disturbances, difficulties and darkness. Out of ignorance, man creates suffering and he shares this suffering with his fellow man. The miseries and the worries that come to man are due to worldly condition, man’s unbalanced, uncultured mind and the reaction to the evil practices perpetrated by man.
Nobody is perfect in this world; everybody is liable to commit certain evil actions either intentionally or unintentionally. How can you think that you are free from evil?
“Fear and worry disappear when ignorance is dispelled by knowledge.”
If you can understand the nature of the weaknesses that are within man’s mind, then there is no reason for you to grumble ever your sufferings and miseries. You will have the courage to face and to tolerate all miseries and worries and sufferings that come to you.
“Nothing happens to man that is not contained within man.”(C. Jung)
Parental Love
You are responsible for the well-being and upbringing of your own children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen, it is the result of your effort. If the child grows up to be a delinquent, you must bear the responsibility. Do not blame others. As parents, it is your duty to guide the child on to a proper path.
A child, at its most impressionable age, needs the tender love, care and attention of the parents. Without parental love and guidance , the child will be handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live in. However, showering parental love, care and attention does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering will spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love and care, should also be strict and firm in handling the tantrums of a child. Being strict and firm does not necessarily mean being harsh to a child. Show your love coupled with a disciplined hand – the child will understand.
Unfortunately, amongst present day parents, parental love is sadly lacking. The mad rush for material advancement, the liberation movements and the aspiration for equality, have resulted in many mothers joining their husbands, spending their working hours in offices and shops, rather than remaining at home tending to their off-spring. The children, left to the care of relations or paid servants, are bewildered on being denied tender motherly love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about her lack of attention, would try to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of demands from the child. Such an action spoils the child. Providing the child with all sorts of modern toys such as tanks, machine guns, pistols, swords and such like equipment as an appeasement is not psychologically good. The child is being taught to condone destruction instead of being taught to be kind, compassionate and helpful. Loading the child with such toys is no substitute for a mother’s tender love and affections. Devoid of parental affection and guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows up to be a delinquent. Who then is to be blamed for bringing up a wayward child? The parents of course! The mother, especially after a hard day’s work in an office, to be followed by family chores, could hardly find time for the child that is yearning for her care and attention.
In the battle between the sexes for equality, many women seem to think that the solution is to compete with men outside the home. Such women would be best advised to bear no children. It is selfishness of the worst kind to bring a life into this world and then abandon it. You are responsible for what you create – you are responsible to see that a child is not only satisfied materially, but more importantly spiritually and psychologically. The provision for material comfort is secondary to the provision of love and attention. We know of many people from poor homes who have brought up their children well with plenty of love. Conversely many rich people have provided every material comfort for their children, but deprived of love these children have grown up devoid of psychological and moral development.
Some women may feel that advising them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is degrading and conservative. It is true that in the past women have been treated very badly, but this was more due to ignorance on the part of men than an inherent weakness in the concept of depending upon women to bring up children. The Sanskrit word for a woman is Gruhini which literally means “leader of the house”. Certainly it does not imply that a woman is inferior. Rather it means a division of responsibility for the male and the female In Japan some husbands surrender every cent of their pay packet to their wives who have complete control over domestic affairs. This leaves the man free to concentrate on what he can do best. Since each partner knows clearly what his or her responsibilities are, there is no conflict and the atmosphere at home is happy and peaceful, where children can grow up well.
Of course the husband must see to it that his partner is well cared for, that she is consulted on every family decision, that there is enough freedom for her to develop her personality, to have free time to pursue her interests and so on. In this sense husband and wife are equally responsible for the welfare of their family and are not in competition with each other.
A mother should weigh carefully as to whether she should continue to be a working mother or a housewife giving all the affection and care for the well-being of her growing child. Strangely, some modern mothers are also being trained to handle guns and other deadly equipments when they should be cuddling their children and training them to be good and law-abiding citizens.
The modern trend and attitude of working mothers towards their children also tends to erode the time-honoured filial piety which children are expected to shower on their parents. The replacement of breast-feeding by bottle-feeding, is also another cause for the erosion of the affection between mother and child. Hitherto when mothers used to breast-feed and cuddle babies in their arms, the tender affection between mother and child is much greater and the influence the mother had on the child, for its well-being, is much more pronounced. Under such circumstances, filial piety, family cohesion and obedience were invariably present. These traditional traits are for the good and well-being of the child. It is up to the parents, especially the mother to provide them. The mother is responsible for the child being good or wayward. The mother can reduce delinquency! At the highest level of thinking, you can see things as they are, not as you are. Then you know that you are responsible for everything.
“Those who lead their lives by going against nature, must face the consequences either physically or mentally.”
How To Reduce Your mental Pain
Whenever certain difficulties and problems arise, there are various ways and means for you to make up your mind to reduce your mental agony and unhappiness. First and foremost, you must try to understand the nature of the world in which you live. You must realize that you can never expect everything in this world to be perfect and to run smoothly. The world is not always in your favour. You must be prepared to face difficulties and problems in the day-to-day life. There is no world and no life without problems.
If you have strong craving for existence and an insane craze to enjoy the sensual pleasures of the world you have to pay the price in terms of physical pain and mental agony. This can be equated to the payment of rental for the “house” occupied by you – “rental” being the “physical pain and mental agony” and the “house” being your physical body, occupied by you on a temporary basis. Through your “body” you enjoy your sensual pleasures and you must pay for it. There is nothing free in this world.
However, if you are desirous of eradicating or eliminating the “physical pain” and “mental agony”, you should try to give up or subdue that strong craving force and the desire for sensual pleasures. So long as you are subjected to this “craving force”, you are subjected to the consequences of pain and agony. To do away with the “physical pain and agony” and to achieve spiritual happiness, you must make your choice. There are no two ways. You should not therefore accuse others, when you come across some problems while you are enjoying sensual pleasures.
One way to find solace for your occasional mental agony and unhappiness is to understand the degree of your own sufferings and difficulties with that experienced by others. When you are unhappy, you feel that the world is against you. You think that everything around you is about to collapse. You feel that the end of the road is near. However, if you try to take a mental stock of things and try to count your blessings, you will find, surprisingly that you are better off than many other people. You have probably heard the saying, “I complained I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” In short, you have been unduly exaggerating your own difficulties and problems. Many others are worse off than you, and yet they do not worry unduly. Problems are there, and you should try to resolve them instead of worrying and creating mental anguish and pain.
The Chinese have a practical saying about resolving problems:-
“If you have a big problem, try to reduce it to a small problem. If you have a small problem try to reduce it to no problem.”
Another method to be adapted to contain your difficulties and problems and reduce it to its proper perspective, is to recapitulate what you have gone through before, under similar or worst circumstances, and how you have, through your patience and efforts, been able to surmount your then seemingly insurmountable difficulties. By doing so, you will not permit your existing difficulties or problems to “drown you”. On the contrary you will determine to resolve whatever issues or problems that may be facing you. You should realize that you have gone through worse situations and that you are prepared to face the issue – come what may. With this frame of mind, you will soon regain your self confidence and will be able to face and resolve whatever problems that are in store for you.
All Are Not Equally Good
Occasionally there are complaints from certain people, we have never caused or given any trouble to others, that they are the innocent victims of the wiles and intrigues of others. They thus feel frustrated that despite the good lives they live, they are being harmed through no fault of their own. Under such circumstances the innocent victim must realize and appreciate that the world is made up of all sorts of people – the good and the not so good, the bad and the not so bad, and with all sorts of idiosyncrasies. The innocent victim may console himself that he belongs to the good category whereas the disturber of peace belongs to the bad category, and that on certain occasions, he will still have to bear with the misdeeds of those belonging to the “bad category”.
Similarly, we take the case of the “good and the careful driver” and the “bad and reckless driver”. The good and careful driver took every precaution to drive carefully in order to avoid accidents. Nevertheless the good and careful driver met with an accident, through no fault of his, but through the fault of the bad and reckless driver. Thus on occasions, the good have to suffer, despite their goodness, because there are bad and reckless people just like the bad and reckless driver. The world as such is neither good nor bad. It produces criminals as well as saints, fools and enlightened ones. Out of the same clay, beautiful and ugly, useful and useless things can be made. The quality depends on the potter, not on the clay. In this case, the potter is yourself solely responsible for moulding your own happiness or unhappiness.
You Gain What You Seek For
If you try your level best to overcome your difficulties by practising the advice given in this booklet, then you will definitely find the peace and happiness and harmony for which you are seeking. “ If you follow the master the dog will not bite you.”
“Victory breeds hatred.
The defeated live in pain.
Happily the peaceful live,
Giving up victory and defeat.”
(The Buddha)
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DISCIPLEposted on Monday, Oct 19, 2009 6:11AM [Report]My Dear friend dhammadinna my heart and mind is opened and I wish to learn from you many lessans and hope you can teach me I believe in respect and look up to you for your comitment to you lifes journy and wish to know more yes I was raised in a religous church but my heart and mind is opened to anyone that teaches about life for the benafit of the good I apply all lessons that are for the good to my life and I look up to buddist monks because you guys bring good and help the poor and help thoses that are sick in mind body or spirit . It would be my honer to learn from someone like you are any monk . thank you for writing back and heres my email adress JJBAILEYCA@AOL.COM. be blessed and prosper . -
DISCIPLEposted on Sunday, Jul 12, 2009 6:37AM [Report]hello again hope you open your heart and recieve me I mean no disrespect I truly would like to be your friend maybe I can learn from you . please conctact me our leave a comment for me hope we can be friend's be blessed and prosper you will be in my prayer's .
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meteorologaposted on Monday, May 25, 2009 4:11PM [Report]Hello! Mersi, for you also I wish him well! What is weather in your city? saludos desde Barcelona! -
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killerstarposted on Thursday, Apr 23, 2009 6:22PM [Report]i always knew......Buddha knew all bro, he's everywhere -
Hyun-Jung Shimposted on Wednesday, Apr 22, 2009 2:03AM [Report]Dear Dhammadinna, i'm very moved by your book~! Very nice to meet you and thanks for sharing and peace from korea!!!
HJ -
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jvanzantenposted on Sunday, Mar 22, 2009 12:41AM [Report]hello dhammadinna , nice to meet u. my name is jessica from holland , and have a nice weekend. -
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Jason Wongposted on Wednesday, Mar 18, 2009 5:44AM [Report]sending u good karma and peace!
one luv
jay -
Nicholas Chee posted on Wednesday, Mar 18, 2009 12:12AM [Report]Here's wishing you peace and health too! Thanks! -
Yan Xiao Le posted on Tuesday, Mar 17, 2009 9:47PM [Report]Thank you very pleased to know you! Also wish you happy every day! -
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- I AM A MALAYSIAN CHINESE OF THE HAINANESS RACES. I WAS ORDAIN AS A BUDDHIST MONK SINCE 1995 IN KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA...I AM A MALAYSIAN CHINESE OF THE HAINANESS RACES. I WAS ORDAIN AS A BUDDHIST MONK SINCE 1995 IN KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA. CURRENTLY, I AM STAYING IN SRI LANKA (SINCE 2006) DOING MY BACHELOR OF ARTS GENERAL DEGREE ON BUDDHIST STUDIES.
- Age: 39
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