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Blog: Thursday, May 20

Friday, May 21, 2010 7:22AM / Standard Entry / Members only

I don't know why but I have become so cynical. Anything that happens to me or any words said to me or any body response I take it in a bad way or inteprete it in a negative way. I think it;s now that I realize the meaning of the word cynicism.

When I think of an individual I have so much bad thoughts and am so paranoid, I'm scared that something bad happened to people around me when they don;t take the phone or text message me. I always have this bad thought that something might turn bad on a person who seemed to be at the peak of their hapiness. I'm not being envious, I'm just like things that seem so good will at some point turn bad.

Seems that as I get old, I get more scared.

I really need to change or I"m gonna be crazy.

I don;t know why but I'm going to Tdot soon and I am afraid at my bf;s big family reception soemeone might choke or get unconscious and I will have the duty to save them. So I am like reviewing on CPR for infant, child and adult.........I just dun like telling to people what I do and they expect I save them. And if I don;t I'm really a sucker. GOsh I'm never gon go to any extended family event from my bf;s side. Too much stress, expectations that I put on to myself and I am very conscious that these are all coming from me and not from others at all. Anways I just want to be seen as the best or the good gf that;s all...an intelligent woman.

This guy friend called me for an outdoor activity well no I dun feel like going. I used to like going out with him but now I dun like him anymore....u bring him to anywhere he ends up making a new enemy for himself and thus it;s so hard to organize a group outing. Enough of this waste of time and nonsense. I'm jsut dissapointed of his judgement, always wanna seek a good looking girl. Ignored the fact that I could've been a good gf material. Well guess what I found my man now. SOmeone who doesn;t look at the superficial and took the time to know me and now loves me a lot. that guy sucked big time. I'm so glad I didn;t tell him that I got a crush on him or he would gossip it out or think he is indeed charming and that he can get courted by all girls. dun feel like being made fun of or being someone;s toy.

I'm glad I went online dating. I had like practicially no hope madly liking my crush, confessing my love, going out with guys. I was thinking how online dating would really work. But holy motherf**ker it f**king worked! One date and there u go I got my very first bf. I;m so happy and thrilled. Finally I can take a deep breath and say I have a bf. I dun;t think I'll be able to find another guy like him. He is so good to me. Treats me like a princess. It's so fun to be with him.

I am head over heels for this guy. To me at first his looks really sucked LOL! so funny I didn;t wanna glance twice first time I met him. I was like disgusted and YAKKK BEURK that;s all I could imagine that time. I was like omg this is what happens when u meet people online, u meet creeps and weirdoes. Then he had like trouble when we went to buy food at the cake shop. The cashier person did not give his change back. So he was standing there and wandering what happened to his change and then had to talk to get his change back. I was there at the corner of the eating tables looking over the situation. I was like Oh man what a bummer, happy online dating....SIGH

anyways it turned out ok afterwards, we talked about ourselves. Anyways first date was so awkward then second date was better and I started to like him, Then third date he held my hand and that was it I was trapped in his love plot.

He added so much life to my boring existence. Screw all those guys who turned down on me. Guess they thought I was ugly, oh well now I am pretty because I wear contacts and I know what outfits would make me stand out. I'm glad I got long skinny legs. Soemtimes when ur just tall u get good attention then the look doesn;t really matter. Anwyays I am pretty now and I can show to those guys that they missed the boat.

I remembered when sitting around with a bunch of old classmates that were all girls, they all had a bf and were talking about them. Then one girl asked if I had a bf now and I said yeah I have one, which she didn;t expect me to say that. Anyways so it was the heat of converstaion I was so glad that I was not singled out. I was part of "them" with a bf. As for one girl she was still single it must have been boring and upsetting that dinner time. Well anyways she is too picky and I dun really like her, she gets annoyed of me dunno why.

Anwyays I'm glad that I have bf now. It;s my biggest reward. My career may have gone down the drain as well as all those grades and acedemic acheivements. Nevertheless I found the greatest treasure of all.

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