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• Self harm

  Wednesday, Mar 25, 2009 5:44PM / Standard Entry / General / Members only
  

  When i was a teenager, I use to harm myself. I was extremely upset by a particular event and all of a sudden, i decided to cut myself. I still don't know what made me do it, I just felt i had to do it. I'm writing this in an attempt to find out why i did what i did and pray that no one else repeats my mistake. I look back now with so much regred, almost 10 years on and I can still see the scars on my arm on cold days.
  
  I think it started when i was in high school. it started when a girl i thought i was in love with at the time got together with a friend of mine. I was enraged. I wanted her and I wanted her to know how she upset me. so i punched a fence, that cut my knucles fairly badly, enough to draw blood but no real damage were made. it was deliberately done as a way to getting her attention. In a way that worked but not in a good way what so ever. as anyone with any intelligence can guess we never did hook up, she was scared of me.
  
  Fast forward a few years it turned more serious. An particularly unplesent event event occured and i decided to take a pen knife with me, hid in the bathroom and cut myself. I was angry. i remember being extremely upset and craved desperately something different to cover that pain. I still can't fully understand what made me do it. i don't recall having any thoughts about it before i actually did it. It was never planned and I don't recall seeing it on TV as a way of letting out anger. it was almost like I instinctively knew to use that blade. I have seen/know of friends of mine hurt themselves after heated arguments with their partners or family. It saddens me that it seems this is something that's built into our nature as a way of expressing anger
  
  Maybe it is a mean of escape and distraction to how much emotional pain i was in and to rebel and shout back at everything and everyone around me, to everything that bought me to where i was at that time. I didn't want to fit in, i didn't care about anything else at the time but to stop the pain. I don't recall any blood, i don't think the cuts were that deep, but i guess it must have been fairly deep for the scars to last til this very day. the event itself was never an end of the world type problem, just something that frustrated me greatly, too much for my teenage soul to know how to handle. i never intented to cause any long term damage to myself, rage had consume my mind and to put a brave face infront of my friends and family, i felt i had to do something to release my frustration and anger. It worked at the time, but i remember feeling extremely stupid and confused for doing what i did the very next day, when my family asked what happened to my arm, i made up a story of how i grazed my arm as i step out of a taxi. it was all i could come up with at the time, i don't think they actually believed me, but it was enough for them not to ask any more questions. On a different occasion about 12 - 18 months after that. I also deliberately burnt myself in an attempt to control my anger during an period of mild depression... but that only fed the need to further harm. fortunately 3rd time lucky i finally decided to stop. the closest I've been to repeating myself since were going all out in a crazy excercise regime, at least I managed to point my energy to a positive direction.
  
  Even though i can understand i did what i did. i still feel ashamed for not being stronger or finding a better way to release it. unfortunately i know this happen on a too regular basis in the modern world, Although this world is becoming more and more over populated distance between us all are still on the increase. it is this emotional detachment that made me felt as if i had no option but to harm myself. Its hard for me to admit this, but i really should have tried to speak to someone sooner, i've always been extremely stubborn and self protective. to open up and admit to someone I need them was something i would not even consider. Now, almost a decade on, i finally realise I, like most people can not survive on my own and i too need others to support during the bad times. In realising that i too tried to help others in their time of need. I don't know if what i do is enough, but sometime just to have someone listening to you is all it takes. so please i beg of you to talk to those around you. i can guarantee you there is always someone there to listen if you are willing to talk, it can be a friend, family, teacher, doctor or even calling up the good smartians. i came close to calling them after burning myself, i decided not to in the end but just to know i could have was already giving me support.
  
  I share my experience with you in the hope that you do not repeat the same mistake as me. please feel free to get in touch if you want to chat about this topic

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