Saturday, Oct 25, 2008 10:26AM / Members only
Don’t know since when, I get used to all my friends’ leaving. Some were caught for a last supper or a last drink, some even couldn’t meet up and I just sent a sms, made a call, sent an email or a post, and the content was more or less “good luck, all the best, hopefully see you in future”, etc. I hardly thought of any words that seem more meaningful than that.
I am not a “self fish” or a cold fish, or getting colder and don’t care anymore, I am still the sentimental me. However I just simply realized the essence of “whatever can breathe could never stay forever by your side”, besides, they left for a better future, by which I should feel happy for them and try to ignore the reality that my friends are becoming less and less, I mean, geographically.
And lots of people couldn’t resist leaving, saying it is a city full of emptiness, depression, cold, fakeness, materialism etc, they fled and hided from this heart-breaking place, while I crippled back after a low ride to experience all over again, plus the fact that more friends are leaving. But all together with the current Financial Tsunami can hardly arouse any emotional waves in me, except somehow with ripples of pity.
And some settle here, however communication only via phone and internet could erase my doubt that they evaporated from the city too. Been busy, next time, no problem, nvm, are all words concluded for a conversation. Maybe to them, I evaporate too.
Now every abnormal syndrome within this city cannot get me mad because I get used to all, and it is fate that drove me back in Autumn. Sometimes my sentiment blow like cool wind of this cool season, after several colds, I learnt how to wrap myself with thick clothes tight.
I know I cannot hide. I came back to face them. I sincerely hope that I can also get used to my fear and pain, and then I will be immune.
This city is incurable. Too much palpitation and passion are doomed to be crashed by crude reality, while those people and things continue to leave one by one and you are left alone waiting in the same place to be rescued. Since you cannot forgive and comprehend all that happened and still happening, it would be better not scoop out too many emotions but save a little for your heart for soft landing. As time goes by, you take out less and less, the wall of heart gets thicker and thicker, till nothing is easy to touch your nerve and react with your neurons.
Most people here are immune. I suddenly think of Dogville with a Nichole Kidman.
And this reality, seems beyond all the sorrow I have been used to.
(Photo by Dizine Chen, SH, PRC)
Add a comment
Friday, Sep 12, 2008 12:53AM / Members only
--- Re-watching Breakfast@Tiffany’s Sometimes, simply because of one sentence, one commercial, one dialogue, one picture or something, you will suddenly discover your little dreams, which you have kept deep inside of you for long worrying that it would deteriorate while being exposed in the air.
You start to assume, that if I had kept on pursuing them regardless of anything in all those years, what kind of reality would be now in front of me?
Even in fantasy-only, your passion grows a pair of pure wings.
Then you see the inconvenient truth in the mirror. You start to feel blue, lamenting for the distance between your dreams and reality, sighing for choices of life you have already made, which were not what you really want to, but only choices made with mature ration forced by life. You can never spend your freedom, wildness and carelessness with no limitations like what you as a teen.
Those teen days, which were compared to only a piece of white paper, yet so beautiful and sparkling that you cannot resist looking back from time to time even the dazzle burns your eyes.
Now, dreams can only placed in the display window at Tiffany’s, when I feel heartbroken or moody, I will walk myself on the empty street and appreciate them through the glass, then make a satisfied and graceful smile, waving goodbye and again, stepping into my reality.
-xG.
Add a comment
Monday, Jul 28, 2008 4:44PM / Members only
-Time between two Min’s Bday Parties
“The angel in the night
Turned into a demon in dawn
I could hardly touch my happiness”
-Satum Monologue, Law Pun
Commemoration of Shining
Another 3am, I walked leisurely in the familiar Queensway Road, with remain silver eye shadow, golden sparkling powder, shining tiara, and in pure white. I was stepping on the footprints one year ago, wondering how much dust under my feet still stayed in the same place, dancing with my steps after 365days?
“Hey how was the night?”A tall stranger asked me while coming towards me in an opposite direction.
“Great, you? ”
“Heading for fun, you are shining!”
“Thx, hv a fab night! See ya!”
Someone saw me in the dark. I was shining, or, I have been shining?
Today one year ago, I fell into this brand new world unconsciously. I have been thinking, how can I light this dark path at night and find my traveling partners? And today I know, all I can light, is the space of 1 sf. around me, and let them find me instead.
I don’t need to follow my way, my way will follow me. Therefore, I can move on following the direction in my heart without turning back, not worrying anything about the signs.
One year, I accomplished the practice that I could find my way home even I walked alone with my eyes shut in the dark night.
Commemoration of non-repentant original status
Home.
The space where I could completely take off the precious shell after a whole night’s hot dance. Turned on the A/C, feeling like peeling off the sticky skin and soaking myself in a cranberry juice on the rock, where I dyed my sweat red, and also my slightly-drunken face for one-year’s memories.
Those faces which changed from strange to familiar in one year’s time, from smiling, greeting and shaking hands to hugging and bosco, from single to in a relationship, from relationship to engaged and married, or vice versa; however some faces, slipped from the bottom of my eyes to the bottom of my heart, even not facing each others, I couldn’t ignore their existence, and from familiar to strange.
After a whole year’s turmoil, I am still keeping my original status.
Have I kept my time, or has my time locked me, or have I trapped myself?
Just like tonight, even I disguised to be an angel, I have thrown away my wings.
Commemoration of Wings
I always thought if I threw away my wings, I wouldn’t dream about heaven anymore and could walk step by step on earth. Therefore I abandoned transportation tools most of the time, and accomplished amazing walking speed, unyielding willpower and disobedient strongness.
I thought the myth reached the end, however, I underestimated the power of anti-gravity.
Tonight it made me off the ground within a second and flew in the air. It was so powerful that I couldn’t even restrain. And then I was panic. I would have cried but I laughed, I would have frozen that moment but I pushed it away instead. I did understand that my body was trying to protect me with condition reaction when I was head over heel, however in vain-my heart grew a pair of wings at that moment and refused to fall. After decades of seconds, my body sank.
“Even sinking, you have to sink in perfect grace.” It is just what I was tonight, with fab make-up but an old-fashioned mood haunted for a whole year.
After all I refused all the whispers and temptations, keeping the demon in the cage inside.
Or, never had I ever had the demon? It is said that angel and demon are existed in pair, and I have already lost my wings.
In return I gained an aftertaste of faith, to believe that I can still be off the ground without wings, even in a blink of an eye, is long enough to break the axiom and create a miracle.
We all need more faith, to believe that the future is better, to believe that we have never been lonely, to believe all we have ever doubted, just for keeping facing each others and exchange an understanding smile, for the comfort brought by the hug, for discontinuous whispers, for short SMS, even residual memento in hearts.
Believe that the distance is kept from hurting for they all still like or love me, believe that the positions we keep in the bottom for each others, believe that I am still young, talented, beautiful, kind, still have dreams and ambition and a soul for love, which can at least be kept for one more year, two one-years, and lots of lots of one-years.
Commemoration of One Year
I did gain a lot and lose a lot in this one-year, some I thought I have gained but lost in the end, some I have lost but finally came back to me, some I thought I would gain but never came, and some I thought I would lose but never left. In the complicated and confusing puzzle I couldn’t calculate the total is positive or negative with all the minus and plus. But some creeds stand stably, like the sexy pole dancers tonight, no matter how they turned around, climbed up and fell down, with music, applause, flashing lights, whistlings, flowers, after the show, only and always stands the pole, which dominates the next show and the best seats for it.
“Is all that I care
a whole piece of body
or a soul
which I could never seize?”
-Fall, Law Pun
-xG. 4:18am, 28 July 08
Add a comment
