Excuse me, I think I have an alien in my neck

Recently, something that resembled a bug bite turned into a large lump in my neck. At first, my cyberchondria diagnosed me (thanks WebMD!) that I had leukemia or a large Amazonian parasite that came through my apt plumbing and decided to set up a little ikea bedroom in my neck.

Even though I'm unemployed, my generous BF decided that I can't go without health insurance. So every month, he's been paying $150 for me to have medical coverage just in case I ingest something sketchy in our fridge just because I'm too cheap to throw out 2 week old leftovers. (Hey! It's still good, okay?) However, that adorable thriftiness is also the reason why I rarely go to the doctors. Did you know you have to pay a co-pay?! I can buy shoes with that money!

So, as a result, I let my massive neck lump go without checking in on it. Plus, how many times can you spend hours of quality bonding time with your bf while making up pet names, like Toby the Tumor, for your neck lump?

Anyhow, one day my body went haywire and I decided that I had to finally go see a doctor. Turns out my neck alien is nothing more than a swollen lymph nodes and would clear out in a few days. It was almost anticlimatic since I had spent the last few days reciting my will to anyone who will listen.

BF- shoe collection b/c you won't rub my feet and here is your punishment.
Mother - kitchen utencils so that in case yours breaks you have another one.
Brother - my 2 $40K degrees that's only worth the 50 cents it cost to print on paper-let your kid take it to show and tell
Father - Your-daughter's-a-democrat-Obama/Biden-2008 bumper sticker.
BFF - used book collection so you can sell it on eBay and buy dinner
Anyone else? I got some hairballs in my bathroom waiting for you.

Sure, I don't own very much, but someone's gotta take this junk when I die, right?