I'm not interested."

Whenever I think back to my single days, I listen to this and hug my relationship weight.

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You have a 3 o clock deadline!

So I just got back from Taipei. I've realized that it's like some alternative universe where they hide all the gorgeous women so that one day I can visit it and feel absolutely horrible about myself. Taipei, why are all your women tall and skinny and so fabulous looking? How can you offer such tasty fatty food and still produce tall walking stickfigure girls? YOU GUYS EAT PROCESSED NON NUTRITIOUS WHITE RICE FOR GOD'S SAKES.

One night, I was at a lounge when a Walking Stick Figure Girl #9874509345 flails her Skelator arm and my drink goes all down my shirt. She looks at me and looks away without apologizing! At first, I was ready to knock her out with my belly, sumo style. But, as my blog shows, I'm a classy girl. I mean, I guess I could understand. One, I had a fucked up mullet hair cut I got in Taiwan. Note to self, I'm not Japanese girl in cute Japanese fashion magazine. Two, I was about 50 lbs fatter than she was. Hey, you try eating stuff on a stick everyday and not get fat. Three, my mosquito bitten legs looked like I was suffering from a bout of smallbox, circa 1842.

I'd be a bitch too if I saw me.

But just to be clear, people in Taiwan are super friendly and nice. I can't wait to go with my BF next time... you know, after he gains 60lbs and grows a hideous mole on his face with long white hairs curling out of it.

 

Earlier this week, me, my dad, and my two aunties headed to Eastern Taiwan. The East coast is SO GORGEOUS. The mountains are SO amazing! I half expected Jet-Li to come flying on the top of the trees and mountain cliffs fighting Shaolin monks. It was amazing. The beaches are SO fabulous. Hot as hell, but it really reminded me that Taiwan is a beautiful tropical island and not just political Jerry Springer show.

But that's pretty much where the fun part of the tour ends. Why? It turns out that my family were the youngest people on the bus. Well... when you take

Old people in their 70s-90s + karaoke + people hard of hearing + a bus = Old Taiwanese people wailing on a karaoke bus tour for TWELVE HOURS at the HIGHEST VOLUME POSSIBLE!

Audio Emotions! American Idol needs one of these sound systems.

Hey Hey Heyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! Cha cha cha!

The roof of our disco bus

So, there I was in a hot ass country being eaten alive by the world's meanest mosquitoes sweating my ass off while listening to loud Taiwanese old ladies take turns singing songs from their youth while the essence of Tiger Balm waifs through the air. It was a wonderful three days. Especially when at 7am the music started blaring and kept on going til 7 at night and then it continued when I kept dreaming of old people drinking tea and singing off key into tvs playing songs about how men hit their gfs. It was wonderful. They loved singing so much that they told the tour guide to stop talking and put on next song.


On the third day, when I threw up from motion sickness, a swarm of little old grandmas quickly gathered around me and, before I knew it, I had tiger balm greased all over my face and a cup of warm water in my hand.

Go little old people!

When I was little, my mother would take me to the open air street markets near my grandma's house in Chunghwa Taiwan to get ban wan. We'd carry this big ass Taiwanese meat ball dumpling covered in a sweet sauce back in a little plastic bag tied with red string back and a bag full of fresh red lychee and spend the morning listening to the thousands of mopeds rush past the building.

And it keeps getting worse...
You can't tell, but this is my good side.