The last 6 days have been rough. Last week started with severe back
spasms, the kind where every step felt like someone was taking a
sledgehammer to my back. I was on pain meds for most of the week and
very disoriented but still going to work anyway. Finally I couldn't
take the pain anymore and decided I was going to take a few days off to
get straight when a family emergency came out of the blue (my future
father in law is very ill). Catherine started talking about booking
plane tickets and I was faced with the realization that I was possibly
going to have to fly. I'm scared to death of flying. The very thought
makes me sick to my stomach. Yeah, people say it's safer to fly but I
have control issues and I don't like leaving my life in the hands of a
big hunk of metal floating 5 miles in the air with a pilot I don't
know. Too many variables for me.
I wanted to tell Catherine
that she could fly and I would drive and meet her at her parent's house
but she was taking the news very hard so I knew that suggestion wasn't
going to happen and I held my tongue. I booked the
plane tickets and even then I was thinking of ways to get out of it
lol. I didn't have much time to mentally prepare for the flight. While waiting in the terminal I excused myself twice and threw up (in fact I threw up before every take-off, 4 in all). Walking down the tunnel to board the plane was an out of body
experience for me. It felt wrong and in my mind I was like "I can't do
this". Every terrible thing I've done flashed through my mind and I was
wondering if this is where karma was going to take me down. Seeing
children on the plane calmed me down though. Children automatically
cancel bad karma in my warped mind lol. If I were getting on the plane with people that
looked like a bunch of low-lives I would have jumped off. I also
popped quite a few Tylenol PM for my back (and also to knock myself out) but
it didn't kick in until we were about to board the connecting flight. I
was a bit out of it by then so thankfully I don't remember much.
Catherine's
whole family was at her parent's house and it was really nice seeing
them all support each other through this rough time. The past few days
I realized what a great family I inherited and it made me proud. I
usually get crowded in situations like this and withdraw but this time
was different. I interacted with the entire family and it just felt
natural. I tried to be strong for everyone and give support when I
could. My heart really went out to Catherine's mother. She's so sweet
and vulnerable I just can't help but want to hug and comfort her.
Seeing her react to her husband's every move hoping for a sign of
acknowledgment made my heart break and it was difficult to watch. He's
pretty much on life support and sedated most of the time but he does
seem to react to his family's voice and touch...especially
Catherine's. The chances he'll pull through this are slim but there
are times where he gives us hope and other times where we think
it's just a matter of time before he passes. It's a real rollercoaster
ride. It makes me think of my own parent's mortality and the scary moments I'll have to face.
Last night we were flying back and I was looking
forward to getting through this last (and I mean my LAST) plane ride
and being back home for a few days. Well, things didn't go as planned.
We got stuck in the air for an extra hour circling the airport because
of bad weather. The turbulence alone nearly killed me and my nerves
were shot. Then once we landed we found out everyone's connecting
flight in the Atlanta airport had either been delayed or canceled as a
result of this weather so it was a mad house of people scambling and
complaining. Many were sleeping on the airport floor which wasn't a pretty sight.
Luckily since we were first class passengers, my airline gave me and Catherine two complimentary
roundtrip tickets apiece (which I scoffed at lol). I told
Catherine she could take my tickets because there's no way in hell I'm
getting on another plane after this trip. They also booked us a luxury suite at the
Hyatt which was very nice and put me at ease temporarily. Then I saw on the local news that Chris Benoit and his family were dead. It shocked and saddened me. When I watched wrestling he was always one of my favorites. So I stayed up most of the night surfing the net for news on how this happened and re-living his good moments knowing I had to get up at 6AM this morning to go catch my flight.
The last flight was alright. I kept my ritual and threw up before boarding the plane, suffered some turbulence during the flight and had a new outlook on life when we touched ground once again. Now I'm sitting here reflecting on all of this and I'm tired mentally but wired at the same time.
Catherine's father still isn't out of the woods but he's stable and putting up a good fight. Catherine is also doing ok. Very up and down as expected. I was very proud of her this weekend. The times where she could have been falling apart emotionally she took charge instead and organized a lot of things for her mother and helped her family get through a rough time. She's the baby of the family with brothers 20 years older than her but it didn't seem like it the way she handled things. If it were me I would have been a wreck just like her brothers.
