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Kajsa Lindström
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The Constant Fight For Survival

I'm not the kind of person that likes to talk about my personal problems with or to unknown people. But I have to understand the fact that I will never be able to move on if I never talk about them with people that's around me and almost dedicating their own life to make me feel better. I've been thinking many times, and a lot lately, that I should go to someone unknown that is professional in that area. That would ofc be helping people that actually and literally feel like shit inside but trying to put this untouched mask on themselves just to look undisturbed to what hurts them the most.Many have said to me that I should go to someone and just talk. But I've always said no. I have always believed that I can do it on my own. Until now when I'm actually consider to actually do it. Cuz I know I can't do this all by myself. But then again, I think the word "no". Cuz no one is listening, no one understand me.There for, I'm gonna write here. I'm gonna write what I feel, what I'm thinking and what's wrong with me. I desperately need someone to talk to... And none of my closest friends or my own family, sadly not even my own boyfriend, wants to listen to me, or simply just don't understand me... I feel like I'm dying slowly inside.My life, is a constant fight for survival. I'm suffering from Anorexia. Even tho I may not look like I have it, I have it. Cuz Anorexia is not about how you look, it's not a physical disease, at least not in the beginning, but it's always a mental disease. It fucks up your mind, your brain and making you think you're fat but actually you're not fat at all. When you look into the mirror you're not happy with what you see, all you see is a big fat disgusting human being that is worthless. I wanna eat what I want, but I can't. I can't becuz I'm thinking too much about that worthless fat human being in the mirror that is looking back at me. Stares at me, and saying "if you eat that you will become fat, really fat! LIKE A WHALE! Do you want that? Do you?!". Then I decide not to eat. You get like this inner voice that tells you this really sick things. It's very scary and hard to get rid of.When I got the diagnostic, Gastric Ulcer, and for you who doesn't know what it is, it's big holes in your stomach that can be fatal becuz your stomach juice will one day come out in your body, and as you know that juice is ulcerative, there for the name ULCER. And the GU I got was very serious. First they gave me some pills, to help my whole body, but mostly to help my stomach to repair itself. I thought it worked, but it didn't. I just got worse, the holes in my stomache became bigger than before. They wanted me to do a surgery, the only way to fix it completely. But they said that it's risky to do it. I decided not do go thru it. Now, I'm on another cure (pills) and I will only see when the time has past and first then I will see if it helped me. Or not. I have to take 6 pills every day. Morning and night.My intestines is not as they should be. I still don't know what's wrong cuz I haven't looked it up at the hospital. But I can't do number 2 when I'm going to the toilet. It's freaking impossible. And it's getting worse when I'm traveling. 2 weeks without it, even tho I drank special tea with purge in it and not even when I ate this really strong pills. Nothing happened. But it's fine at home, IF I just drink the special tea. Without it I'm fucked. So I have to drink it, every morning and every night and first THEN I can do number two. Sometimes it has happened that I've been pooping blood. And not just a little. I haven't checked it up. I love my boyfriend more than anything, he's my everything and without him I'm lost. When I'm with him I don't wanna go home, cuz I feel that my home is with him. But he got some problems that I can't find an end to. He thinks I'm hiding things for him, but the only thing I'm hiding is his surprises I've done for him. I'm always telling him the truth. Always. But he still thinks that I'm lying to him. He doesn't believe me and what I'm saying. But, a thing happened, not long ago, and I'm not gonna really say exactly what it was, but I can tell you that I've lost all my trust and belief for him. I'm trying to build it up again, on my own, cuz he's not doing anything about it to help me. He's not listening to me when I'm talking to him, and just a few days ago I opened myself up to him and I really needed to talk to him about my problems. But he didn't listen to me. I just felt so hopeless and worthless and I started to cry. So I hang up. Him and I have a long distance relationship. We live in different countries and it's really hard. I don't even think I can explain how hard and difficult it really is to have a relationship like that. Becuz we have that kind of relationship, then it's "natural" to have hard to believe one and other. But in cases that like, then you really really need all the belief and trust you have for each other to make it work. I love him so much, and I'm not gonna let him go. Never. I want this to work so much, but I'm scared that both him and I will take too much water over our heads and go so far that we will never be able to solve our problems. Cuz we never talk about them. And I hate that we don't. I'm trying to talk about them but it always ends in a fight or something else. And then him and I are not talking to each other for days. I think it's so childish and I HATE IT. I'm talking, I'm listenin, he doesn't. Even tho we have all these problems I still love him as much as I always have. And it's getting more and more for everyday that comes. It's crazy, how many problems I have. But I know I'm not alone with that in this complicated world. This is nothing. I got more. But I feel that it's time for me to stop here and take the rest the following days to come. 

about 8 years ago 0 likes  0 comment  0 shares

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January 26, 2008