That is the by word of the day. Over the last few days I've been looking over my life, why I do things, how I do things... And I've come to this conclusion. I have a lot of fear. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear of failing. Fear of disappointment, in myself, disappointment from my family. Fear of consequence, of being singled out.  

It's ruled my life in the subtlest of ways. And every time, every moment that I let it creep in, I surrender myself to that fear and not to the One who I should seek. I look at Him and tell Him I don't trust Him. I don't remember how I came to this place. I know it's my fault. My life has not been tragic. I've had hard things happen like everyone else. But there's no reason for me to live my life in this fear.

I know that I've moved away from the things that root and ground me. The shift in my heart has been so quiet that I've barely noticed until I've been slapped in the face. Apathy took root and I let it. I haven't fought the good fight. Somewhere in this walk I allowed the monotony of life to cloud my vision and my pursuit of the Lord.

I don't want to write this entry, to asuage my guilt then act like life is peachy keen. I'm recognizing that I need to get somethings straight. I need to do some deep soul searching, deal with my issues and get right. All the while not ignoring what I have to do in life. I realize that the outside of the cup looks clean while the inside is dirty and gross and needs some major cleaning. This is just a lot of blathering on but I need to get my thoughts out. I need to challenge myself. I need to get accountability. I need to get back on track.

I have fallen. It's time to get back up.

I know. 2 entries in one day... everyone just might faint.

Anyway, I just wanted to post some lyrics and a couple vids from a band that I've loved since I was 13 or 14. Switchfoot. If you haven't heard of them, the must hear album from them is 'The Beautiful Letdown'. Absolutely rockin, with incredible vocals, guitars and lyrics. The two songs I'm posting are from that album.

The first is the title track off the album. I love what this song expresses. The premis is that it was a letdown to realize that we were not made for this world, but it was beautiful because we were made for so much more. It's a song about accepting yourself for what you are and realizing that Jesus is going to use you anyway and that the ultimate destination isn't here. This truly isn't our home. So here are lyrics and the video to 'The Beautiful Letdown'.

It was a beautiful letdown, When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone, Unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful letdown, The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain, And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in, Fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here (I don't belong), I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross and a song, Where I don't belong, I don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown, When You found me here
Yeah, for once in a rare blue moon, I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown, That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul, I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails, In the rising sun
In our dark water planet still spinning, In a direction no one wins, No one's won.

See, I don't belong here (I don't belong), Well, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross, With a song where I don't belong
I don't belong, I don't belong here (I don't belong)
No, I don't belong here, I don't belong, I'm gonna set side, And set sail
For the kingdom come, kingdom come, Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down, yeah, Let my foolish pride forever let me down

Ah, Easy living, you're not much like the name, Easy dying, you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list, Easy living please c'mon and let me down

We are a beautiful letdown, Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts, The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown, Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

Repeat chorus

Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wlePWP7QvM&feature=related

 

The second is the last song off the album called 'Twenty-Four'. I adore this song. It's a mellow song, but I so appreciate the lyrics. Here's what the lead singer, Jon Foreman said about it:

"I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run" - Jon Foreman

Here are the lyrics and the video:

Twenty four oceans, Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures, Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me, In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs, At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was, Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices, With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies, In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today, Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling, For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices, With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies, In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCA5KQ1mVr8&feature=PlayList&p=32612EBB6EB29D3B&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7

So my good friend Paul, who I work with, send me this amazing website that I had to share with you all. It's called New Math. And it's pretty stinkin' hysterical. I don't want to explain too much about it because that kind of ruins the point. So the link is below.
http:// http://www.morenewmath.com/154/pirate/

Anyway, it's been an interesting few weeks. Some surprises have come out of the woodwork that I didn't expect. Went on a blind date 2 weeks ago that turned into a second date last week and now... crickets. Drives me crazy. Could anyone explain to me what goes on in the minds of males? Because I'm baffled. I also still have his jacket from Friday night (he gave it to me because I was cold...) so he'll have to see me at least once more if he wants it back. I don't know. I know that at almost 27 I'm getting tired of the game. Even in Christian circles the games are ridiculous. I fully recognize that I am not perfect. Very far from it. However, I'd just appreciate some communication. Honesty. Realness. Is that too much to ask???

I'm going to end my rant now, because it's not solving anything. But it does feel good to get it off my chest every now and then.

Wow. I can't believe it's been that long since I've posted a blog here on AnD. It's been an interesting and challenging month. I've definitely been walking through the valley. I couldn't say if I am coming out on the other side, maybe I am. I feel better than I have in a long time. That's something.

The last six months I was struggling with something that I swore I never would. Depression. I've been determined most of my life to be a happy person. Perhaps it was alot of the pressure that got put on me as the oldest pastor's kid. I know it was a lot of the internal pressure I put on myself. Coupled with the death of my grandpa and a mentor within 12 days of each other and the emotional agony of hope deferred and I had slowly become a mess.

The funny thing was I was slow at recognizing what was happening to me. All I knew was that I felt like I was drowning. Many times like I was suffocating. It wasn't until I had a conversation with my mom that I understood what was going on. My eyes were opened. And it was a blessed relief. So the last few weeks I've been making strides to take care of myself. I've had the opportunity to start going to a Korean church which has been amazing. I'm learning how to manage time by myself and time with other people. It's definitely a time of transition.

So there's the quick update. I'm off to go read and check out what's been happening. Read all the amazing stuff happening with friends and artists here on AnD.

1). News Junkie. That's right. I'm house sitting for some friends who are in Austrailia for a month and they have a dish. (I don't have cable or a dish because I'm not home enough to watch it and justify paying for it...) So while I've been house sitting I've been glued to FoxNews and CNN. Randomly enough I hop between the two. And I pretty much don't watch anything else. Unless I find an awesome rerun of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Then I'll deviate from my news consumption.

2). Pop Music lover. Unabashedly I've had a love affair with pop music since I was... I have no idea how old I was. But it started young. It started with Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson and Mariah Carey. Then it morphed into *N Sync, the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera and Kelly Clarkson. Now it's gone international: Wang Lee Hom (he can be pop when he wants..) F4, 183 Club, Arashi... I love pop music! (For the record, I don't just love pop music. I love rock, classic rock, oldies, rap, hip hop, r&b... pretty much anything besides thrash metal.)

3). A romantic deep down. Although I still don't see myself as a traditional romantic (ie I'm not a chick who likes red roses, being treated like a princess... that kind of thing) I still like romance. But as I've gotten older, had my heart broken... I've discovered I appreciate the subtleness of love. Big gestures can be nice (however, they do kind of weird me out personally...) I love the simple things. A bouquet of hand picked flowers. Someone cleaning my car (since it's a mess this would be a true act of love!). A collection of photos put together in a frame. Someone holding my hand. Someone not afraid to stand up to me. A kiss to the forehead. A smile that shows me I was on their mind. Comittment that when it gets hard, he won't leave. That's what I'm looking for. And I don't think it's impossible.

4). Old Soul. It's much more fun for me to watch black and white movies, musicals, pretty much anything made before 1965 that is cheesy, has dancing and singing. Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, Ginger Rogers, Grace Kelly, Rita Hayworth, Van Johnson, Clark Gable, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Any movie by Hitchcock, Rex Harrison, Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Judy Garland... And so many more! They made great movies worth watching.

5). A geek. I've become obsessed with learning random things on my computer. Latest purchase: video editing software that I am going to spend the better part of the next two weeks learning how to use. And I am so excited. For being an extorvert, I'm suddenly craving some time by myself and my computer and endless opportunites to make mini movies.

6). Person who is more vulnerable than I let on. I present a pretty tough exterior. I've had my heart broken a lot. Not just by a fiance or a boyfriend but by friends, backstabbers, coworkers. I'm sure everyone has. But this tough outside, protects a heart that is actually quite sensitive. A heart that doesn't want to hurt but understands hurt is part of life. A heart that wants to be vulnerable but is afraid to open because it doesn't know if it can take one more rejection.

7). Crazy woman. I want to expereince and do so much. I have so many varied and wide interestest I sometimes wonder what I was meant for in life. I'm learning a new language (Korean), I know sign language, I'm learning to edit videos. For my job I'm learning how to utelize the internet for advertising. I'm working with radio stations. I'm talking with magazines across the country. And I love it all. Even though I stumble and fall through life, I'm learning to pick myself up and keep going. Because I know the end result will be worth it if I just keep going.