God Fix

So, for a very long time, I haven't been going to church. I'm not proud of this fact, but that's just the way it was. I was being selfish with my time.

At first it was simply because I more than likely had to work on either Sunday or Wednesday, or both. Then once I lost my second job and had the free time, I just didn't go. I once expressed it to my mom that I didn't want to go back because people would make me feel guilty and be all like "Oh, Amanda, where've you been? We've missed you so much!" So, my mother looked at me and said, "So, you don't want to go back to a place where people love you and care about you? That sounds really stupid to me." And she was right. Though, at the time, I felt like she was trying to guilt me into going.

Then, I started thinking about my 12 year old cousin, Laura. Who is pretty much my mini me in just about everything, especially looks and attitude. And I began to think, what sort of an example am I setting her by not going to church. And, if I'm not there to help her and be a mentor to her along the way, then who will be? My sister and I are the only two female cousins she has, and while my sister is a wonderful example of a Christian wife and mother, I'm neither of those things and I think that's what makes Laura look up to me. She knows most of who I am, though for her own protection she doesn't know alot of what I've done. But I decided that I wanted to be that mentor for her, I wanted to be a spiritual anchor that she could look up to. So, I decided to go back to church.

The first night that I went back, probably almost two months ago, was the most difficult night by far. People of course, came up to me and did exactly what I predicted they did, asked me where i've been, what i'm up to now, how things have been going, and so on and so forth. By the time dinner was over and it was time for class I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear for all the guilt weighing down my soul. I know they had the best interest at heart, but still, it made me feel like complete and utter shit. However, what really changed my perspective was that as I was headed into the "Upper Room" (That's what we call our teen room) my best friend from childhood comes up to me, gives me a big hug and then proceeds to talk to me as though I've never missed a day of church in my life. She doesn't guilt me into going in with her, instead she talks to me as she picks out seats for us, and we sit down, still talking, and before I know it my youth minister is standing up front getting everyone ready for worship.

And the reason I keep coming back is becasue on that first night, it felt like coming home. We've been going through John in the Upper Room, and that night when I came we were discussing the all time, everyone-knows-it verse John 3:16 : For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten son, that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. And as we sat there and dissected it, I began to realize how much I love it. How much I love singing acapella harmony with my youth group, how much I love listening to the younger kids views on what verses mean, and how much I love hearing Craig's (the youth minister) insight and explaination on what things mean.

Now that I've been going back for several weeks I'm beginning to realize how much of an impact just going back once a week is having on my life.

I've continuously found myself in a better mood. Making it through the day is so much easier now that it was before when I felt so weighed down by everything going on in my life. I knew that things had been dragging me down slowly but surely but it only really came to a head about a week ago when work was just being really really crazy and one of the older women I work with and I almost got in a shouting match. This woman has become like the totally awesome grandmother I've never had. I love her to death and look up to her so much, I don't quite know what to do, lol. But for some reason that day we got into it. And then my boss and I had to have a "discussion" which ended with me bursting into tears and havign to talk it out with him and Sara. But on the way home I popped in my Keith Lancaster Acapella Awesome God CD and sang my heart out to my God. All the while praying through song and asking God to help mewith my temperand my attitude. And you know what...

He delivered.

It's been a week ago today since that incident, and every day has been good. Not one day have I been in a bad mood, and not one day have I had anything to complain about. And while most would proably blame that on a state of mind, I am planning on giving that glory to God. Because I know that it's all God's doing. I just have to keep faith, even when times get rough, even when I'm feeling lower than low, and even more when things are going just right.

That's it for now. Eastwick time.