Almost an entire year gone by...

So according to the last entry I made on here it was the weekend of my sisters wedding. Heh...yeah next weekend will be my sister's and brother-in-law's first anniversary. And there's a lot that's changed. Well, maybe not a whole lot, but enough to where I'm struggling with things.

The good thing about this blog is that I know that there aren't going to be a lot of people reading it. Which is good. It means I can rant and bitch and try to figure out what I'm doing via written form. Which is pretty damned hard to do. But I'm going to give it a shot anyways.

So, I've been seeing this guy since February. Okay, well, seeing him implies that I'm seeing him in a romantic way. And I guess for a while that was true. We were both interested in each other in a romantic way. Unfortunately here I am eight almost nine months later and thinking I'm not quite so romantically interested. Just a couple of months ago I thought I might be in love with him. I'm beginning to re-think that now.

Is it horrible of me that I just don't find him physically attractive? I mean he's an amazing person. He's smart, funny, sarcastic, a gentleman, and everything a girl could want. He's everything I thought I would want. But there's just something missing. In the entire time we've been together the only physical contact we've had has been an occasional hand hold or a hug when we meet up. In the beginning I thought that the slowness was simply meaning that it was the right thing to do. It made me feel shy and cute. But now, the impulse to kiss him isn't even there. Nor is the urge to hold his hand. What's wrong with me?

The realization that I've come to is that I really don't see him as a romantic possibility anymore, but I do see him as a friend. If not a best friend, then something very close to that. But I just don't want romance. Maybe in the beginning I was looking too hard for it. I was wanting love so badly that I believed what I wanted to believe. That I thought he could be it. However, I'm pretty adamant in believing that God's telling me that he's not the one for me. I just don't get "that" feeling. Maybe it's crazy for me to think that. But I've always believed that when I meet the right person God will let me know in some way, shape, form or fashion that this is it, this is what is supposed to happen. So I guess I just wait on God.

I've learned in the past year that I have to really give up control to God for things to work out right. Which is exceedingly difficult considering I'm a severe control freak. I don't even ride roller coasters because of the control issue. I mean, it's baaaad. But I've slowly, but surely been giving control over to God. And, I have learned that it makes life easier in most aspects. But, this is all for now. My eyes hurt, it is soooo bed time. Nighty night.