So, for a very long time, I haven't been going to church. I'm not proud of this fact, but that's just the way it was. I was being selfish with my time.

At first it was simply because I more than likely had to work on either Sunday or Wednesday, or both. Then once I lost my second job and had the free time, I just didn't go. I once expressed it to my mom that I didn't want to go back because people would make me feel guilty and be all like "Oh, Amanda, where've you been? We've missed you so much!" So, my mother looked at me and said, "So, you don't want to go back to a place where people love you and care about you? That sounds really stupid to me." And she was right. Though, at the time, I felt like she was trying to guilt me into going.

Then, I started thinking about my 12 year old cousin, Laura. Who is pretty much my mini me in just about everything, especially looks and attitude. And I began to think, what sort of an example am I setting her by not going to church. And, if I'm not there to help her and be a mentor to her along the way, then who will be? My sister and I are the only two female cousins she has, and while my sister is a wonderful example of a Christian wife and mother, I'm neither of those things and I think that's what makes Laura look up to me. She knows most of who I am, though for her own protection she doesn't know alot of what I've done. But I decided that I wanted to be that mentor for her, I wanted to be a spiritual anchor that she could look up to. So, I decided to go back to church.

The first night that I went back, probably almost two months ago, was the most difficult night by far. People of course, came up to me and did exactly what I predicted they did, asked me where i've been, what i'm up to now, how things have been going, and so on and so forth. By the time dinner was over and it was time for class I wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear for all the guilt weighing down my soul. I know they had the best interest at heart, but still, it made me feel like complete and utter shit. However, what really changed my perspective was that as I was headed into the "Upper Room" (That's what we call our teen room) my best friend from childhood comes up to me, gives me a big hug and then proceeds to talk to me as though I've never missed a day of church in my life. She doesn't guilt me into going in with her, instead she talks to me as she picks out seats for us, and we sit down, still talking, and before I know it my youth minister is standing up front getting everyone ready for worship.

And the reason I keep coming back is becasue on that first night, it felt like coming home. We've been going through John in the Upper Room, and that night when I came we were discussing the all time, everyone-knows-it verse John 3:16 : For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten son, that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. And as we sat there and dissected it, I began to realize how much I love it. How much I love singing acapella harmony with my youth group, how much I love listening to the younger kids views on what verses mean, and how much I love hearing Craig's (the youth minister) insight and explaination on what things mean.

Now that I've been going back for several weeks I'm beginning to realize how much of an impact just going back once a week is having on my life.

I've continuously found myself in a better mood. Making it through the day is so much easier now that it was before when I felt so weighed down by everything going on in my life. I knew that things had been dragging me down slowly but surely but it only really came to a head about a week ago when work was just being really really crazy and one of the older women I work with and I almost got in a shouting match. This woman has become like the totally awesome grandmother I've never had. I love her to death and look up to her so much, I don't quite know what to do, lol. But for some reason that day we got into it. And then my boss and I had to have a "discussion" which ended with me bursting into tears and havign to talk it out with him and Sara. But on the way home I popped in my Keith Lancaster Acapella Awesome God CD and sang my heart out to my God. All the while praying through song and asking God to help mewith my temperand my attitude. And you know what...

He delivered.

It's been a week ago today since that incident, and every day has been good. Not one day have I been in a bad mood, and not one day have I had anything to complain about. And while most would proably blame that on a state of mind, I am planning on giving that glory to God. Because I know that it's all God's doing. I just have to keep faith, even when times get rough, even when I'm feeling lower than low, and even more when things are going just right.

That's it for now. Eastwick time.

So according to the last entry I made on here it was the weekend of my sisters wedding. Heh...yeah next weekend will be my sister's and brother-in-law's first anniversary. And there's a lot that's changed. Well, maybe not a whole lot, but enough to where I'm struggling with things.

The good thing about this blog is that I know that there aren't going to be a lot of people reading it. Which is good. It means I can rant and bitch and try to figure out what I'm doing via written form. Which is pretty damned hard to do. But I'm going to give it a shot anyways.

So, I've been seeing this guy since February. Okay, well, seeing him implies that I'm seeing him in a romantic way. And I guess for a while that was true. We were both interested in each other in a romantic way. Unfortunately here I am eight almost nine months later and thinking I'm not quite so romantically interested. Just a couple of months ago I thought I might be in love with him. I'm beginning to re-think that now.

Is it horrible of me that I just don't find him physically attractive? I mean he's an amazing person. He's smart, funny, sarcastic, a gentleman, and everything a girl could want. He's everything I thought I would want. But there's just something missing. In the entire time we've been together the only physical contact we've had has been an occasional hand hold or a hug when we meet up. In the beginning I thought that the slowness was simply meaning that it was the right thing to do. It made me feel shy and cute. But now, the impulse to kiss him isn't even there. Nor is the urge to hold his hand. What's wrong with me?

The realization that I've come to is that I really don't see him as a romantic possibility anymore, but I do see him as a friend. If not a best friend, then something very close to that. But I just don't want romance. Maybe in the beginning I was looking too hard for it. I was wanting love so badly that I believed what I wanted to believe. That I thought he could be it. However, I'm pretty adamant in believing that God's telling me that he's not the one for me. I just don't get "that" feeling. Maybe it's crazy for me to think that. But I've always believed that when I meet the right person God will let me know in some way, shape, form or fashion that this is it, this is what is supposed to happen. So I guess I just wait on God.

I've learned in the past year that I have to really give up control to God for things to work out right. Which is exceedingly difficult considering I'm a severe control freak. I don't even ride roller coasters because of the control issue. I mean, it's baaaad. But I've slowly, but surely been giving control over to God. And, I have learned that it makes life easier in most aspects. But, this is all for now. My eyes hurt, it is soooo bed time. Nighty night.     

Well, my sister's wedding is finally over! Don't get me wrong, I had a blast, but I had no idea just how much work it was to be someone's Maid of Honor! No one told me all the stuff you had to do, lol. Like the whole being the one to calm the bride down thing, yeah alot harder than it seems. But I did enjoy every minute of it. And on top of that my entire family got to be there. AND my cousin stayed for her birthday, her first birthday in 28 years where the ENTIRE family has been there. So of course, there was a packed house, 15 people including the baby- this doesn't include the 4 dogs either. Which resulted in much hilarity, the occasional WHACK on the ass, thank you Cait's, Jamie, Billy, and Kristan! My ass still hurts! And a lot of great memories that I really needed. You know, God works in mysterious ways and I think today was his way of telling me to stop, relax, and take time to remember what makes you happy in life. So, God is good, and knows what's best, especially when you don't!

Okay, so yeah, it's ben forever since I've added any sort of blog. And this probably isn't going to be much of one, lol. There isn't much that's happened except for the fact that I work all the time. I haven't had much time to do much of anything, much less blog. I did finally get to go on a bit of vacation and so I went to Georgia to visit my family. I had an absolute blast, though I had to pay for it. I worked both of my jobs everyday this week. 55 hours total. I'm so damned tired I can hardly form coherent sentences. But here I am, sitting in front of my computer uploading my pictures, and writing a new blog. I've been happy and I've been hurt. I thought I'd found the guy of my dreams, who has really turned out to be , at least right now he is, a total jack ass. We had a few really great dates, talked on the phone constantly, and then after I talked to him last monday, i've heard nothing from him. I've lost 30 pounds and was beginning to feel sexy, to feel like i'd accomplished something. Someone liked me, someone wanted me, and then BOOM nothing. I don't know what to think. I haven't even tried calling him because I don't want to seem desperate. But then again, I want to know if he's okay. He's has Chrones and Colitis disease and it makes him depressed. I'm hoping that his aversion is a part of that. But I just don't know. He also has a kid so that could be part of the problem. I just don't know. This whole ordeal has thrown me for a loop and I don't want to think he's an ass, b/c when we're together he makes me so happy. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel like I'm someone special. What am I supposed to do?! Give up and move on?! I just can't do that until I know what's wrong with him, or me, if I'm the problem. I admit now that I might have fallen in love with him, despite that I'd only known him for a couple of months. Oh well. Unless something happens I suppose I'll have to give up. Maybe this is God's way of telling me this isn't it that there's something else I"m supposed to do, someone else that's meant for me. Who am I to know what is the will of God? All I can do is trust in Him, but damnit it's hard to do! I'm such a control oriented person that it's so hard for me to give up that hard won control. I know that probably no more than five people will read this, but oh well. It at least makes me feel better to get it out there and off my chest.

I'm out. It's almost midnight here and i've worked all week and finally have the day off tomorrow. So, I'm gonna go finish my beer, watch Primeval, and then go to bed. Laters.

Okay, so I know it's been forever since I updated, oh well. I got a second job. And between that and my first job, while I'm making some damn fine money, I have very little time to do much else of anything. Which sucks. I love my free time. However, as stated previously, I'm making some really good money, which is enough to pay my rent! WooHoo. AND can't forget that I have a two month old niece. Who I love more than anything. So, time, I don't have much of it...bleh.