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• Trip Like I do : American Swine

  Tuesday, May 19, 2009 2:57PM / Standard Entry / Members only
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  OK. I really wanted to write about my vacation in the U.S., Canada, and Alaska but I think I’ll be writing backwards and start my way from when I arrived. Soooo, “Swine Flu” right? Raging epidemic, multiple casualties spawning from North America, Europe and down to Asia. It’s scary since there hasn’t been an incident of swine flu since 1976 and now all of a sudden it’s sweeping across continents and across the waters and the number one carrier of this deadly cocktail is the common world traveler. Which brings us to why I shall be trashing David Cook and David Archuleta for their superstar complex and how they are “above” going through my country’s health inspections. But first let me tell you about my horrible 3 flights back to the homeland, which could be the same reasons why they wanted to just get out of the airport as well. Alaskan airlines was decent and forgiving. I appreciated the large seats that were obviously designed for the average fat westerner. This gave my six foot three frame about an inch of comfort. Enough to not wanna slam the guy sitting in front of me for reclining his seat too far back. Now it is no myth that airline food is terrible and gives you a fair amount of gas to want to open a window at 35,000 feet. That extra inch of legroom eventually paid off as I casually angled myself to fire off the results of that nasty excuse of a sushi meal. If anyone took a wiff of that I didn’t really care, as I would never see those fuckers again.

   

  LAX is Disneyland. If you ever wanted to know what California might be like, then LAX should be the first part of your tour through Hollyweird. As I checked on my connecting flight status, I wondered if it would be rude to photograph these random folks just so I could capture the essence of Los Angeles. About 6 of 10 of everyone that went through there was either dressed like a Rockstar or dressed like Elton John, which I don’t count as being a rockstar. Purple hair, knee high shiny black boots, black lipstick, black fingernails, the words “Suicide Blonde” written on the back of ones jacket. Another woman with obviously California sized breasts wore a half shirt with the words “Place Eyes Here”, which made me swallow my gum by the way, but I later on noticed that the shirt was merely a distraction to lure people’s attention away from the thong that was visibly escaping her very very low skinny jeans. At that point I mumbled to myself “God Bless America” and proceeded to my terminal, wiping my mouth along the way. By then I had decided that my feet were not comfortable, and since I still had 19 hours of air time to go, I decided to switch to the unlikely fashionable pairing of my leather jacket, jeans……and flip flops.

   

  Here we go, AMERICAN AIRLINES or AA. Economy class was a nightmare. Cramped seats, awful food, and flight attendants that looked like they were recruited from some retirement home. There was this one short balding possibly gay male attendant who gave me a smart ass remark when I simply asked if the lavatories were available, and he looked at me with the fakest of smiles and said “if it says occupied! Then there’s someone in there!” Now maybe I was just tired but I decided to ignore the idea of putting his face into the toilet, which he was just cleaning, which was the reason why I asked in the first place. We had just boarded the plane and he was cleaning one lavatory, which made me wonder if the other two were already clean. I just had a thought, he reminds me of Jack from Will & Grace Haha. So 6 in flight movies, 2 in flight meals, 4 visits to the lavatory and one dead Ipod later, I am finally awakened by the beeping seatbelt sign and the captain’s inaudible voice letting us know that we’re now on our final decent. I close my eyes again only to feel the piercing tap of “Jack” on my right shoulder with his ever frozen smile telling me to put on my seatbelt which at that moment I wanted to strangle him with. The flight would be over soon, and I would let that little incident go just so I could get the hell out of there faster.

   

  Now my arrival at Nagita, Japan, which has a reported 135 cases so far, was like a scene out of some post apocalyptic zombie movie. People in blue rubber suits and surgical masks and goggles carrying thermal imaging cameras, scanning the isles of the plane for any passenger with above normal temperature readings. Now I had coughed maybe 3 times for the whole flight and my eyes had gotten irritated due to the sudden climate change and for some reason that had gotten the attention of this old woman sitting a few seats in front of me. As the medical crew approached our isle, this woman would occasionally look back at me as if she had this feeling I was gonna be yanked out of there and put in some plastic bubble. It’s ALLERGIES, lady! Look it up! Anyway, that nightmare of a flight lasted 15 more minutes while parked which really put my aggravation through the roof. I grumpily pushed and shoved my way out of the plane and flat out ignored the pleasant Japanese smiles that greeted me at the gates. 4 more hours I thought to myself. One more flight and I can take out my frustrations inside a hot shower till I prune.

   

  As I boarded my final flight to Manila, more good news as I heard the pilot announce even more delays due to incoming air traffic. Keeping us grounded for another 15 minutes as we taxi our way around the airport at one inch per second. (SCREAMMMMM) That’s what I was doing inside my head as my body twisted and turned into this seat that was made for a Hobbit. 4 hours was just too long for this kind of discomfort I thought. As we finally bolted into the pitch black sky I still couldn’t find relief and this old Japanese man had reclined his seat early into the flight that I could practically memorize the remaining number of hairs that he swirled around the top of his head to cover up the balding circle he kept camouflaged. I had it! The seatbelts off sign was like a green light for me as I got out of my seat and walked into the flight attendants little room and stood there against the wall. I had never felt so claustrophobic and I really wanted to open a window at 35,000 feet. They immediately understood my dilemma and motioned me to a better position closer to where they sat. I briefly expressed my 24 hour ordeal and they had sympathized with me and invited me to stay as long as I liked. One girl in particular, “Hara” is her name, who had the traditional Japanese look and equally hospitable charms, kept close by to make sure I was alright, or probably to make sure I didn’t raid the liquor cart while she made her rounds. Either way she was very sweet and even provided me this AMAZING tool the Japanese used to relieve sore feet. I cant recall what it was called, but it was a bamboo pipe split in half and you just stand on top of it and you rub your feet all over it in every angle in which it hurts. It was a brilliant little device that they took along with them on long flights and it worked magically. We chit chatted each time she passed by and I think that was really what got me through the flight. I stood for 3 hours on top of a piece of bamboo and before I knew it, I had to be asked to go back to my seat cause we were landing. I actually felt bad cause that was probably the only time I got to relax, but thank you Hara of JAL. You made it easier

   

  Now, I’d like to thank David Cook and David Archuleta for making the department of Health make our lives even more difficult by extending the time it takes to go through the health inspection because of your superstar complex of not wanting to be quarantined for a short period of time just like the rest of us regular travelers. Being on American Idol does NOT make you above the health and safety of an entire nation that has no reported cases of swine flu. So for both of you to want to bypass the health inspection was rather stupid and just seriously anal of you and your entourage. In my opinion, you should have been shipped back to the U.S. the moment you guys started bitching about waiting an extra 20 minutes just to get checked out. I know it was a LONG ASS flight coming here but 20 minutes? For the safety of millions? Come on! What kind of people are you? I’m sure the screaming fans don’t give a rats ass if you guys have the Ebola virus tucked in your crotch but have a little consideration for the rest of us that actually like LIVING. So with that, enjoy the rest of your stay here. Sing your songs, fuck our women, and hopefully you take a souvenir back with you guys…

   

  … Like an STD.

   

   

   

   P.S. Yeah I got home safely. Now I’m off to wash six loads of laundry.