It's stupid.
I'm tired.

BTW, it's a song of Secret Machines from the album Ten Silver Drops.
Blue Lightning Eyes is my favorite.

"Lain, you are a thoroughly ridiculous person."
Well I assume that I am. Like, I went to the wrong airport this morning.
I mean, seriously, wrong airport.
No I didn't assume that it would be Dulles, I was just... ok I did assume, like how I assume that I am a ridiculous person. Duh.
The AA agent took a glimpse at my eticket, pointing out "Reagon", and then kept staring at me as if I was an emo punk and she had never seen an emo punk, nor even heard of the term, ever in her entire life.
And I was like, OH, MY, GOD.
So me as a potential emo punk kid, totally did something as unemo as rushing out of the airport lobby with 4 luggages and flashing into the nearest cab and yelling REAGON AIRPORT PLEASE HURRY UP IT'S REAL URGENT to some not so innocent Indian driver who took me 60 bucks in total.
As an emo punk wannabe I could have just hid myself from people and cried for the darkness of the world and the loss of 1,300 bucks and then set the airport or maybe the whole city on fire.
But no I'm kidding. I don't wanna be either emo or punk.
So anyways I got to Reagon in time and caught up with my flight.

The flight was 18 hours in total, including connection time in Chicago. I never know how I managed those 12+ flights I've taken so far and actually there are plenty of them. I'm pretty bad at killing time, and it's as if the memory of "how to" is never stored in my brain. Yea it just completely disappeared after arrival.
However we are designed to remember pain. Remember, and recycle it.
At one point it was like 5 hrs to Shanghai and I was like whoa 9 hrs is passed but at once I realized that hmm it took me 5 hrs from DC to NYC and yea I remember how painful it was to kill the time.
So you see, I thought I got over most of it, but the inherited memory chain of pain had just started.

I think I'm a lil' bit a pessimistic person. But I even love being one, for searching for pain is sometimes both artistically and psychologically fun.
I cling to pain as much as it clings to me. We are like each other's secret mistresses. We live together. We survive together. We help each other to cheat on something called optimism.

Well I don't like the taste of Virginia Slims. They are just too strong.
But I can't change my taste just for "smoking a cigarette".
My life is just fucked up. It is so fucked up.
I did something that I regret a whole lot but I can't turn around.
I wanted to tell you that day but I ended up not saying anything.
Sorry I have to escape from you before you hurt me. Yea I'm dumb.
I know. You've been in my backpack for almost 2 months and I liked you a lot.
I still do.