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Landing a JOB

Wednesday, Sep 24, 2008 10:09AM / Standard Entry / Members only

The time between me finally entering into the workforce is approaching guess I'll learn a thing or two that might land me a job.

10 Things That You Can Do To Get a Job That Might Actually Work
If you didn't read my last post, I highly recommend you don't. It's not that good. But, if you did, you probably were wondering if I could do a post how to actually get a job, instead of blowing it.

I must admit, it's certainly more fun screwing up your interview, but alas, there are things that must be paid for, like food, insurance, the electric bill, the car, cellphone, bacon, lottery tickets, pads, booze and candy. Then, you have all your extra luxuries, like video games and prostitutes. These things aren't cheap and money doesn't grow on trees, so much to everyone's dismay, work must be done.

So, here are 10 things you can do to help you win at the interview:

1. Smell nice, but not too nice. Your scent must be enticing, but subtle. You don't want to overwhelm the interviewer with your lemony-freshness or they might pass out and then you'll have to call an ambulance.

2. Make sure your teeth are brushed, your face is shaved and all your gang tattoos are covered up. All these little things, like combing your hair, can help. Imagine you're a knight going out to slay a dragon, such as Sarah Palin. You need to get prepared by having armor and a sword and all that crap.

3. If you're not sure what to wear, overdressing is always better than under dressing. In fact, why not go in a tuxedo? If you're a girl, you should still go in a tuxedo. A purple striped one.

4. Don't lie on your resume. Companies have armies of agents who are making sure everything is legit. They cannot be stopped or thwarted. I doubt they're even human.

5. Smile and sit up straight. Speak the Queen's English and not "Yo, I gots ta have dis job cuz I gotta make bread so I can get down wit da sticky sticky, ya'ow what I mean, boyyyyy?" You do so because you want to be respectful of the person interviewing you. You want them to be at ease with you. Don't offer them a blunt.

6. Show confidence. This is where all those karate classes are going to come in handy. Look into the interviewers eyes and into their very soul. Speak audibly, but not more than 35 decibles.

7. Be sure to take all your medication before the interview. For example, let's say you have explosive diarrhea. Nothing is more awkward than running off to the bathroom during an interview except for staying with interviewer and shitting your pants. If that happens, though, you should say to them "Well, sir/ma'am, I could've ran to the bathroom, but instead, I chose to shit my pants. I shit my pants for you, because I'm serious about getting this job."

8. Pretend that you're really interested in working for the company. Do some research and find out what they make. That'll really impress the interviewer, for example: "I love McDonald's. You guys are such an exciting company and I've heard nothing but good things about how great your workplace is! I also understand you guys make hamburgers. I love hamburgers."

9. Ask lots of questions to make it seem like you want to learn. Make sure the questions are about the place of employment, and not "So, do play Call of Duty 4?", because they probably don't. No one plays that game, Rob. Uh, so anyhow, just think of anything you can, like "So, how do they clean the sludge out from under the freezer units? I've always wondered that." because it's related to that job.

10. Blow your interviewer. That's right. Slide over to them and say "When I look into your eyes, I see something... beautiful..." then start making out with them. Slide one hand down and... yeah. That should get things going enough for you to perform the dark deed upon them, thus ensuring you get the job, because they'll want moar. This works quite a bit better when the person is of the opposite sex as you, just because statistically, homosexuals only make up about 10% of the population, so the odds aren't really in your favor unless you go to certain parts of certain cities.

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Another year

Tuesday, Sep 9, 2008 4:19PM / Standard Entry / Members only

I'm officially

22 + 1

peace

J

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Akon Concert

Saturday, Jul 5, 2008 5:29PM / Standard Entry / Members only

AKON concert 26th July Hong Kong

Anyone going? gimme a holla if you guys are.

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BURNNN

Sunday, Jun 29, 2008 1:09AM / Standard Entry / Members only

LOL :p

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Lecture Hall Guide

Saturday, Jun 7, 2008 12:42AM / Standard Entry / Members only

For those going to lectures everyday including myself I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Btw I'm roughly categorize between the sleepers and gamers.

Lecture Hall Guide.

The Prof (black color) -The guy who stands at the front of the room and speaks non-stop for the duration of the class. May crack a joke at the beginning of the course as an attempt to gain some brownie-points from his/her students, but all those points will soon be revoked once he hands back the first midterm. [Note: You can't sit here].

The Keeners - The 1-5 students that occupy the front row of every class. They have a habit of interrupting the professor by asking stupid questions that nobody cares about to make themselves look smarter, remarking that a word on the slide is misspelled, or for the gutsy ones, even challenging the professor on topics that nobody cares about. Also known to be ruthless when it comes to obtaining marks, may opt to backstabbing fellow students. Regarded with hatred and annoyance by everyone else.

The Secret Keener - To the unobservant, they appear as an average student. However, after further analysis/PeopleWatching™, one will uncover a keener in disguise! They are ruthless when it comes to obtaining marks, except that they keep a low profile out of fear of being ousted as a keener. As well, instead of asking the prof loads of pointless questions that nobody cares about during the lecture, they save them for the end of lecture once everyone has left the room. If school fails, they'd probably fare well with a job as an undercover cop.

The guy who skips class and still aces this course - This is the person who attends the first and last class of the course, skips out on the rest of 34092 classes, and still manages to beat you and 98% of the class on the final.

The Complainer/Talker - I placed them in the same group because usually something like this happens: You find yourself situated near a group of people who, instead of sitting quietly and listening to the prof, ends up talking throughout the entire lecture at audible levels loud enough so that only you can hear them. Towards the end of the lecture, one of them will switch the topic from getting tottallyyyy trashed at some kegger to complaining about how the prof sucks, how frustratingly hard this course is, and how they're going to fail next week's exam. After overhearing this, you silently think to yourself, "well, maybe if you had shut up and listened to the lecture instead of yapping away, you wouldn't be in this predicament!"

The Sleeper - This is the guy who gets out of bed to go to class, only to fall back asleep during class.

The Old Guy - Also known as The Mature Student. It's that middle-aged person who, after 40+ years of life, has finally realized their true calling, thus, enrolling back into school. They enjoy adding input into class discussions, usually throwing in the line "my family", "my kids" or "my experience in life has..." into their answer, just cause they think that after living for almost half a century they're wiser than the rest of us (which of course, is why they're back in school at 50 years of age to complete an undergrad degree...)

The Gamer - When your parents bought you a laptop for university, they thought it would be put to good use for typing up lecture notes. Little did they know that instead it would be used for facebook stalking, blogging, playing freecell, watching youtube videos and chatting with your friend who's sitting on the other side of the lecture hall. Oh naive parents, how great are they?

Mulitpen Clickers - Mulitpens are basically the lifesource of lifesci/pre-med students. Sometimes, if you pay close attention, you can hear a few of them frantically clicking away as they change the colour of their pen to colour code something that doesn't really need to be colour coded. [Note: Some Keeners may also double as Mulitpen Clickers].

The Socializer - Makes it their mission to say "hi" to everyone they know before they sit down for class. Also makes it their mission to say "bye" to everyone they know before leaving class.

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