When I first got the role of Team Leader "Chao Kok Huang", I was told it would be one of the lead character in C.L.I.F. And as you can imagine, I was pretty bumped when I realized that what I've landed myself with is yet another supporting role.
I was convinced that my hard work would once again be unseen and overshadowed, this time not by 1, but the 6 leads that will inevitably be given all the publicity and focus.
However, being an actor, I couldn't bring myself to give anything less than what I could, after all we're are the ones that looks stupid if we act stupid right?
So I slogged on my scrīpt to instill personal emotions into the technical and chunky lines, practice my mannerisms in front of the mirror to play an officer to actors that are easily 5 years my senior and as usual, I changed my diet and trained my physic to match the up coming role.
I'm no newbie anymore, after putting my heart and soul into every detail of this career for 4 years, its taking a toll. During the filming of C.L.I.F, I'm was a junction where I was questioning myself if I could go on.
Soon enough, C.L.I.F was hitting the small screens. I was all prepared to fight my own emotions with constant reminders that I'm not in this for the approval but for the passion. "You've been through this many times, whats one more?" I kept brain washing myself, all this while preparing myself to fight against my disappointment, my jealousy and envy.
So I waited. I see the amount of screen time the leads are getting, the posters, the adverts, the screaming fans. I'm acutely aware of the things that has the ability to evoke the overall feeling of shitty-ness.
But it didn't turn up.
Then I realised I'm older, more settled, and no longer sucked into the belief that a famous actor is a good actor. I realised what I want is no longer to have every Tom Dick and Harry patting my back every few minutes. I wanted good projects, be it an international feature or a student film. I need them, projects that can make me grow, projects that can help me see what I've always failed to see, projects that can help change the world just a little bit and maybe one just because I've always wanted to to wear my underwear outside.
It was a long time coming, but I'm glad I've became so comfortable with who I've am, with my strength and my flaws.
Most are in this for the vanity. I'm in it because its my purpose.
On a side note, here's my last tribute to my brothers/sisters in blue. Thanks for the ride guys.
Andie.